I have to supervise contact and I don't want to!

[Tumblelord]

My DS has been going to court to see his two kids and a final order has been made. It says that he can have direct contact at my house supervised by me and DH. I don't want the responsibility if something goes wrong.

My question is can this be ordered when I haven't agreed to it or been involved in negotiations? Can I do anything?

Your son has, presumably, agreed with his ex that you and your husband will supervise contact. Your son should have checked with you before agreeing this. You can refuse but, if you and your husband both refuse, your son will have to get contact moved to a contact centre.

What do you think might go wrong that you could be held responsible for?

No you're not a party so you can't be ordered to do anything, you need to clearly and unequivocally tell your DS (and his ex partner if you're in touch with her) that you're not willing to do it and they need to restore it back to court.

I won't go into the backstory but it seems he was not going to get any direct contact unless it was supervised so he volunteered us. Contact centres have been tried in the past and not worked. Court is meant to be finished now so would he have to make a new application or just have no contact?

What are you worried will go wrong? It must be pretty bad if you are prepared to give up your chance of seeing your grandchildren and allowing your DS to have a relationship with his children. If it really is that bad then perhaps the children are not safe with him and it is not in their interests to see their father and therefore you should refuse.

I haven't seen my grandchild in years and haven't met the other one. DS lied to me for a long time about why but I found out eventually that he, amongst other things, had smashed up a contact centre and harmed his ex. It seems that he volunteered us for this and a judge ruled on it. I would like to see the children but this doesn't feel right at all

My Aunt was in a similar situation. She genuinely felt it would do more harm than good for her young grandchildren to see their dad (her son). She initially refused to supervise. I don't know what the final outcome was as I've heard my cousin now sees his children but they are a lot older now. You can't be forced into doing this if you don't want to.

Oh gosh how heartbreaking for you. I think you would be doing right by your grandchildren by refusing this. Your son sounds violent and dangerous. Would he be likely to take it out on you if you refuse?

You don’t actually have to facilitate the contact. The order only allows him direct contact if it’s under your supervision at your house. If you don’t allow it, he won’t have any contact.

The court ruling is simply an attempt to find some safe way for the children to have a relationship with their father. If you don’t feel it will be safe, you can (and should) say no.

Do you trust that he won’t smash up your house during contact? Do you feel able to stand up to him and tell him to leave if his behaviour is even slightly inappropriate? Do you feel safe having your DS in your house? If not, you can just say no.

I’m sure his ex won’t be upset if contact goes ahead. And the court will only be supportive of you for acting in the children’s best interests.

That should say: I’m sure his ex won’t be upset if contact does not go ahead. Honestly, she’ll probably be relieved that you’ve said no.

How very refreshing to hear a mother seeing the risks her son might pose to his children with clarity.
My ex can only have supervised contact with our kids. This is done by the grandparents who refuse to discuss their son's behaviour with me.
What is your relationship with his ex like? Would she be willing to allow you contact with the kids without him there? Could you have a conversation with her about your concerns?
I think you can absolutely refuse to supervise, especially if he has hidden this from you and you have doubts about your ability to protect the children. Your first thought in this should be - what is best for the kids?

You don't have to do it - the court has ordered that those are the terms under which your DS can have contact.

If he didn't clear it with you first, then more fool him as he's put himself in a position where the contact order is useless.

I assume that when he was asked if you were happy with the arrangement, he lied to the court so his lie has rendered him unable to see his DC (which doesn't sound like a bad thing under the circumstances anyway).

The worry I would have, OP, given his previous violence and manipulation, would be what he might do to persuade/manipulate you into changing your mind and giving him what he wants.

I'm not scared of DS and I have honestly never seen any hint of violence from him. It came as a huge shock when I found out the truth. I don't have any relationship with his ex so can't contact her. For a long time I was convinced that she was making up allegations to prevent contact so I would expect that she wouldn't be too fussed if it didn't go ahead. I didn't know if I would be in trouble for not agreeing to supervise

You can try it for a bit. See how it goes. Our ordered contact through a centre was for 3 months only. Then the kids decided that actually they'd rather not. Have you had full details?

You don’t have to do anything.
It is a massive responsibility to shoulder, even if an accident were to happen during this time.

It needs to go back to court and have supervised contact with someone else, a social worker for example.

It needs to go back to court and have supervised contact with someone else, a social worker for example.

There's no way they'll have access to a social worker if it's bog standard private law. Given he's also exhausted the option of contact centres this is the end of the line. All his own doing of course.

Well done OP for putting the children's needs above your son's.

I can't take any credit for putting the children before him. For a long time I supported DS and this caused them and his ex harm. I have almost made peace with the fact that I am unlikely to ever have a relationship with the children and this arrangement certainly doesn't feel very healthy. I expect that I will never have the full details of what has gone on.