What do I really have to pay him?

[gabby79]

I would be so grateful for advice on this please.

Separated 14 months ago after 13 years of marriage. 2 children aged 11 and 13. 13 year old has very significant SEN and cannot do anything for herself. We receive carer hours for her which means we can both work full time Monday to Friday. I have a well paid carer earning 65k, ex is a talented skilled worker who is self employed but has not worked a full week for many many years (this apathy contributed to our breakdown but that's another story).

I moved out of the marital home into private rental and from day 1 we have split the children 50/50. Due to our daughter's significant needs we receive £715 a month in benefits - I have not touched a penny of this since I moved out and at first I also paid the £500 a month mortgage on the marital home whilst he "found his feet" (this was partly fuelled by the guilt I felt at leaving). After 6 months I reduced this to £300 a month. I saw a solicitor in January who told me to immediately stop paying him anything due to the benefits and 50/50 arrangement. I warned him this would be stopping once I needed to pay my own mortgage. Fast forward to now and I've exchanged contracts on my own house as I desperately need a property that can be adapted for my daughter's physical needs. So after 4 months warning I've stopped the payment from this month, but still assured him I won't touch the benefits.
He is not happy at all...pleading poverty etc. He has the capacity to work and earn far more than he does, but has chosen not to for no other reason than getting used to an easy life for the last 6 years. I believe I've given him 14 months to get back on his feet career wise, in that time he has splashed out ££££ on things for the house, holidays, weekends away etc...knowing the bills and mortgage were all covered by benefits and me. He has had very little motivation to roll his sleeves up and work, relying on me to fund his lifestyle.
We decided to wait for the 2 years separated to divorce and his lack of proof of earnings (ie cash in hand) means i doubt he will be able to buy me out anytime soon. We have around 200k equity in the house.
So my question (if you're still reading and thank you if you are!!) Is...what do I have to pay him? He is adamant I should still pay to the mortgage, my argument is that I will have 2 mortgages, have the children 50/50 and don't touch the benefits. He has the capacity to work far more than he does...so why should I continue to fund this lack of drive to support himself after all this time?

In the absence of a court order you don't have to pay him anything. However, assuming the mortgage is in joint names, if you stop paying and he defaults on it your credit record will be affected. Also, the lender can come after either of you for any shortfall. As you are the higher earner, they may think that you are in a better position to pay.

If you are asking about the position post-divorce, you need to consult a solicitor. Anyone who attempts to answer on here will be guessing. The only comment I would make is that, if this is decided by the courts, they will look at his (and your) earnings potential rather than actual earnings when determining the financial arrangements.

Well nothing legally, no one is compelling you to pay him. Morally, if he had the capacity to support himself and your children when they are with him he should do it. I would just stop paying and tell him to go to court if he disagrees.

Nothing! Don’t fund your ex at all. Is he getting all the kids benefits?

Not quite answering your question but you should get legal advice. I thought I'd have to pay my ex spousal maintenance and maintenance but she said he would have to prove he had been trying to gain employment and the courts would ask for serious evidence of this. Ie I didnt have to support him.
Once we had got things going with a consent order I was also no longer liable for the mortgage as he was buying me out you really need to go to a solicitor asap

@AlwaysCheddar yes he gets all the benefits although we share the children 50/50. As my daughters needs are so severe they do add up to quite alot.
@prh47bridge that's really helpful to know that they will look at potential earnings as this is my biggest argument with him...he CAN but he chooses not to. I want to spend my hard earned money on a better life for me and my children, not funding his lack of work ethic. I feel trapped in a financial vice with him, I can't and don't want to force him to sell the house as it is all fully adapted for our daughter but his lack of proven financial status (because he mainly has cash in hand jobs) means I just can't see how he can buy me out.

Agree with @prh47bridge but also be realistic of the amount of women that are in your ex's position and get handsome payouts due to other assets etc such as pensions etc

A friend of mine had an ex like yours. She was a nurse but will lost 1/3 of her pension built up over years and before she met him, and also had 90% care of the children so brace yourself.

I was in perhaps a similar situation but no children. My ex husband wasn't working - wasn't looking and claimed he couldn't work due to mental health issues which he wasn't seeking help for. So while this doesn't read well he could have chosen to find work but didn't and lived on my income.

He owned the flat (only his name on mortgage) and when I left I continued to pay the mortgage until we sold. This was done by way of agreement that he would prepay all the money I paid post leaving him and a share of the equity.

My solicitor was risk adverse as the concern was that my partner was going to ask for maintenance from me as effectively I had Been funding his lifecycle for nearly 5 years. I didn't but I gave him
More equity to be done with him.

Also - one solicitor told me I didn't have to pay - however in my situation if I hadn't - the flat would have been repossessed and we all would have lost.

prh is right about.
What you need is to agree a binding court order - a consent order- with him if you are in England - with a full final order sealed by the court which either you agree with him or the court approves dealing with all the house financials. As you earn more than he does there is a chance you might have to pay him some spousal maintenance - try to avoid that even £1 a year as he can later try to increase it. (my ex husband wanted maintenance for life as I earned a lot more than his teacher earnings - he did however work very hard so not quite your situation. I was able to remortgage our house and my husband moved out at the last minute - he got about 60% of our joint assets. One reason he got more than half was I bought out his maintenance for life claims with a lump sum payment.

In your case is there a way his parents or a sibling could guarantee the mortgage so you come off it? It sounds like selling the house so he has a smaller one and you get say £100k equity out of it is not feasible due to the child's special needs adaptation and the 50.50 residence of chidlren and fact he could not buy another house so may be the traditional divorce order where the higher earner gets their capital out of the house when their ex remarries or cohabits or moves - (I think called a mesher order) is the only solution here but if he just cannot afford to pay half the mortgage could you get more of the equity now eg get 80% on the subsequent sale to make up for paying the mortgage now as we cannot force him to get a job?

There is a lot to be said for clean breaks as the poster above says - to be done with it. Had I had a court hearing it is possible my husband might not have got 59% but lower particularly as he doesn't pay a penny for the children nor chooses to see them but it was risky, expensive and I wanted a quick clean break.

Thank you everyone. Can I get a consent order before we proceed with divorce next February or is it all part of the same process?

@Xenia I really want to come off the mortgage, and he has got family members that could guarantee it if I did. Would I still retain my entitlement to the equity in the property if this happened?

Please go and get legal advice from a solicitor now. You can afford it. You do not want to be left with ties to him (other than the children). If he cannot afford to buy you out I really would advise that the property be sold.

@gabby79 - the mortgage lender will generally not permit you to come off the mortgage if you still own part of the property. He needs to buy you out or sell the property.

he gets all the benefits although we share the children 50/50. As my daughters needs are so severe they do add up to quite alot
And that money should be spent on your DD solely. Is it? If it is spent to fund his lifestyle it is really despicable. I would keep that money and put it in a trust fund if it isn't currently needed for her.