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Original poster

Can anyone who knows about law advice me?

21 replies

inthedarkx · 31/03/2020 14:36

So my husband applied for divorce based on two years separation. He lied about the date as it's not been two years. So I don't want to sign them. If I contest it it will cost me £245
So can I ignore this divorce and apply for my own divorce based on his adultery and unreasonable behaviour? That way if he wants a divorce he gets one but on my terms? Sick of him being in control and want to take control back.

OP posts:
Gohackyourself · 31/03/2020 14:43

Can I be honest.... in the end it doesn’t matter who divorced who.
I’m sure you cannot start your own once a divorce in progress but you can contest ... but is it worth the £245 tbh?
If you will be glad to see back of him , just sign the papers and move on, in the end it’s just a piece of paper to say your divorced!!
The control thing is probably a different aspect to the situation but having been divorced twice ( both dh’s cheated) , it’s not to do with the actual piece of paper that says divorced. Hope this doesn’t sound flippant

Collaborate · 31/03/2020 16:38

It won't cost you anything. You simply state that you cannot consent because it hasn't been 2 years.

fairydustandpixies · 31/03/2020 16:44

IMO a divorce is a divorce. I've had two! It means nothing in the end other than the end of a bad marriage. Don't over think it, the grounds of the divorce are neither here nor there in the end. Just get it done and move on.

KitchenConfidential · 31/03/2020 16:48

It won’t cost you to contest it? But it will cost you if you want to initiate divorce proceedings (which I don’t believe you can do now one set of divorce papers have been served).
Just contest it for the reasons you’ve stated. This is a legal process after all, so it’s important that dates etc are correct.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 31/03/2020 16:48

He's already told me after the divorce he will not come to an arrangement for the children, he will keep
To what we have ( him coming over and collecting the children when it suits him. And not paying for his kids regular apart from him buying the odd bit of food)
So me accepting this gives him everything he wants and wants all the control

OP posts:
Original poster
inthedarkx · 31/03/2020 16:49

I've spoken to the divorce service and they've said if I contest it and submit my answers it will cost me £245

OP posts:
cupoftea84 · 31/03/2020 16:55

You need to get contact with the children formalised by a solicitor or a court order.
Stop him coming to your house, insist it's a consistent time/ length.

Go through CMS for maintenance.

FluffMagnet · 31/03/2020 17:01

If you are on benefits or low income you can get help with court fees ((we.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees))

prh47bridge · 31/03/2020 17:16

I've spoken to the divorce service and they've said if I contest it and submit my answers it will cost me £245

You don't have to contest it. Just refuse to consent. If he is going for divorce based on 2 years separation he cannot proceed without your consent.

3rdNamechange · 31/03/2020 18:39

I'd let him have the divorce but go to CMS and court for access arrangements

TreeTopTim · 31/03/2020 19:57

Just because you sign the papers does not mean that he is in charge.

If he refuses to come to an arrangement for the children stop contact and make him go to court and also go to the CMS for money. He can not refuse to pay towards his children.

TreeTopTim · 31/03/2020 20:01

Also I was told by my solicitor that proving adultery is quite hard in a court. I had photos of my exh and OW together.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 31/03/2020 20:08

They've had a baby so it's easily proven.
But he's blackmailing me, he said if I ask go. For arrangements for contact and financially and not just carry on the way we are then he said everytime it's his contact day to have the children he will allow his gf and 3 children to stay with him as well, that would mean having 9 children and 2 adults in a one bed flat and said he might even decide to have them stay over at her house which is an hours drive away ( when he knows I object to this being so far away and I don't trust him and his gf, they can easily torment me and refuse to bring them back if I allowed this and I don't drive or even know her address)
He then said and when he buys a house and I've not complied to what he wants he can even have the kids living with them all in his new house and if I ask for arrangements I am opening a can of worms and I could get my kids taken away from me for that. He's blackmailing constantly. This morning said 'why do you even have kids when you vs r look after them' just because my baby daughter had something in her hair. He's really toxic

OP posts:
Original poster
inthedarkx · 31/03/2020 20:10

Can't look *

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 31/03/2020 20:18

Don't allow contact and go through CMS.

TreeTopTim · 31/03/2020 20:20

My exh and the OW also had a child when I was granted my divorce. I had to put down unreasonable behaviour.

When he is saying all that rubbish how do you react to it? I would be as calm as anything and ignore him. It sounds like he is only saying those things because he knows that it annoys you. Can you really honestly see him and the gf wanting the children more than he already does.

RandomMess · 31/03/2020 20:22

@prh47bridge is able to legal advise so don't consent to the divorce on the grounds of 2 years for all the reasons stated on your other thread.

He doesn't get to decide contact if you can't agree it will go to court via mediation - he sounds abusive so you can be excused from mediation as it's not suitable for abusive relationships.

You need emotional support please speak to Women's Aid and Other agencies that can help you.

Have you claimed maintenance via CMS?

JeSuisPrest · 01/04/2020 14:00

What @prh47bridge said. You shouldn't sign the papers if it's not been two years. His solicitor will chase you and you can just call them and say it's not been 2 years yet and you don't want to perjure yourself by signing the papers, so that's straightforward enough.

You can't use adultery as grounds for divorce unless you start the proceedings within 6 months of finding out about the affair - it sounds like you're way down the line with it (as I found out even though I had a letter from the other woman/numerous text messages between them and neither of them denied it). You can use unreasonable behaviour grounds at any time.

If you cannot agree, you need to do mediation first over what is reasonable for access and arrangements for the children (including where he intends to house them when they're not with you), before it goes to court. The judge can then see he's being an arsehole. If he refuses mediation, this also speaks volumes.

Keep the money issue separate and go via the CMS.

My solicitor advised me to break it down into separate parts, rather than just seeing one big rats nest of problems all tangled up.

  1. Divorce & division of assets/liabilities
  2. Access to children
3 CMS Flowers
Collaborate · 01/04/2020 17:04

Its not perjury - you have a simple choice. You are able to say you do not consent to a 2 year separation divorce and no one will question that. If you say no, the petition will fail there and then. He'd have to either withdraw it or amend it to divorce you on one of the other facts.

You could also cross petition if you have grounds.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2020 17:11

Op, if you say no, what will change? In reality what difference will it make? He’s not going to give you more money, and he’s unlikely to change his visiting habits.

RandomMess · 01/04/2020 18:36

@Bluntness100 there is a slight complication that he based his residency/citizenship based on still being married and living with his family up until he actually did leave 😳

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