Divorced and arguing over school

[MelbaToast]

The other day I found out eldest son's Secondary School, which is a really good school and local to me. My youngest is still at primary at a school half an hour away and down the road from his dad.

In a nutshell exh and I share custody with 4 /3 day split. Sunday to Wednesday at mine and Thursday to Sat at dad's. I would like my youngest to attend a school closer to me as it would make my life much easier and the school I'm thinking of is half way between us. I keep on getting told to "just do it and move my youngest". However, given our set up I'm not sure if I can. I'm wondering if anyone has been in this position and what they have done about it? If not, does anyone know if I can legally just move him, without hys father's consent?

I should also add that ex husband is really against moving DS and won't even look at the school I have in mind so I'm not sure negotiation is an option.

In short, no, you can't just move him without his dad's consent if dad has PR.

Would it be best for your son? You don't mention anywhere in your post whether your son is likely to cope with a school move just that it would be more convenient for you. What year is he in, how long do you need to manage the two school runs etc?

You both need to try and agree which high school he'll go to. Neither of you can make the decision unilaterally. If you can't agree one of you will have to refer it to the court and a judge will decide.

My son is the sort of child who would do well anywhere. The way things are at the moment (and have been for the past year) I am having to get him up at 615 to leave the house 7 so that we're on time for breakfast club at 745, so I can go to work after. If he were to move schools the travelling would be halved. He still has 2 years at primary, so it would be another 2 years of doing this journey plus. The other factor would be my eldest. He's a good boy but expecting him to sit at home until it's time to leave for school would be a big ask.

The school I have in mind also has a phenomenal reputation and is known for it's pastoral care

In that case I would suggest writing down factually why it would benefit everyone, mainly focusing on the two children, and then presenting it as something to discuss and not as something that has to be done. Sounds like you need to persuade the Ed which won't be easy I imagine!

I don’t think you can either. Your eldest is going to a school by you so that’s all good. But pulling your youngest out of his primary for your own convenience isn’t a good argument. Presumably he doesn’t want to lose his school, plus it then makes it inconvenient for your ex. It’s unfair insist that both children have schools by your house just to make it Easier for yourself when the custody is shared. Presumably your youngest will start secondary soon and will likely get a place at your eldests school which makes it even easier on you

@GeraltOfRivia I don’t think she’ll have two school runs. She says the eldest will get himself to school and she’ll just take the youngest. Her argument is that it’s closer to her house. But right now that’s the exes argument for keeping the youngest there. Not really fair on the child to move him halfway through primary unnecessarily

It's not the fact that I'll have two school runs. I feel the other element of this is, is it reasonable to expect an eleven year old to know when he should leave the house and make sure the house is locked? If I could move the youngest I would be able to make sure my eldest left the house on time and we would all leave together.

My ex doesn't work on the 2 days he does the school drop, so for him the challenge would be significantly reduced.

I feel the fact we have to leave the house insanely early is a significant impact in itself. Would that not even be a consideration?

How early is insanely early? My eldest has just started secondary. Two days a week I’m out of the house before her, but she’s pretty much self sufficient anyway. Her alarms set for 6.10 to go off every weekday. She gets up, gets dressed/wash/teeth/hair. I leave her a smoothie in the fridge for breakfast as she struggles with proper food that early in the morning. She’ll then sit with a book or on her laptop, keeping an eye on the time and leaves at 7.10 for the bus stop to catch the 7.25 bus. There’s no issue. Even when I’m in the house with her, I’m busy with her sister and the baby and our interactions are usually just ‘good morning, and bye, have a good day’. Can your son not tell the time? Can you set an alarm on his phone when he needs to leave if you’re worried about him being late?

Instead of an alarm you can set a daily reminder of ‘don’t forget to lock the door’ to
go off when he needs to leave

Both my children took themselves to secondary school from the start of y7 as me and OH had to leave for work before 7am. The first couple of months, I made them call me when they arrived at school but they always did and didn't arrive late once. It worked fine.

The issue is that 3 mornings a week, your youngest has to get up early, but ultimately, 2 days a week, he gets to sleep later now than he would with a school in between, so what will be better for 3 days will be worse for 2 and 1 afternoon. Not sure he gains much from it.

Also, have you checked and totally insured that he could get a place there if it is halfway and so out of catchment area for both residences? Why did you agree on that primary school in the first place, or did you separate after he had already started primary school? If it is you whose moved further away, it makes even less reasonable to expect your ex to do more travelling.

@Herpesfreesince03 whoops. Sorry. My mistake.

Have you checked to see if the school you're after has a place available for your dc?

Personally I wouldn't move a child that's settled into school

If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if your dh wanted to move your ds's school as it wasn't convenient for him? I think he'd be flogged on here 😂

We separated half way through primary. I've been taking my kids on the school run for the past 2 years and been doing the lions share in the first year (5 days a week) and with dropping them at my ex's, it has run me ragged at times.

I moved out of the area so that I could afford a house (all I would have been able to afford in our previous area for my budget was a flat), and also the schools in the area I moved to have a really good reputation.

The school has a waiting list but it is relatively short.

The way I see this school, is that it's half way between us and therefore not a nightmare for either one of us. There are some issues with the current school he's at, which although relatively minor in the scheme of things, I think would have a significant impact on his life, if he were to move.

I feel like the shoe has been on the other foot for a while. If my eldest had his first choice of school both the kids would have been round the corner from him and at that point I would have considered moving house again.

I accept that maybe it's about time to let my eldest sort himself out a bit but I feel that at least for a couple of weeks he might need to be taken through the morning routine so he knows what he needs to do.

Looking it at it naturally.
Your younger son is settled. It would take something significant to make most parents change primary.
Ds1 is at secondary just round the corner. Presumably this means that dad will have to take him all the way to yours from Sept each week day he has him.
You moved. Not arguing with the reasons but that's a fact. I think you are stuck with it but will much easier for you at secondary.

Doesn’t really seem fair on your youngest. I know a few kids in y4 and, without exception, they would all hate to change schools