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Original poster

Advice please ...

25 replies

Ann87 · 21/02/2020 19:32

Hi me and my ex partner have one child together, been split for three years he has had regular contact always on his terms,working around him.He currently has her ever Friday night anyway over the years he has used money as a weapon stopping payments (100 a month ) when he wanted his own way,I decided not to give in this time and contacted the CMS now has using taking me to court for 50/50 saying if I don't cancel the cms he will take me court .. should I give In? There due to take a payment end of the month and I'm scared it's also sad he's only doing it to save money thanks for any advice 🤗

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 21/02/2020 19:39

Can he afford to take you to court?
How old is the child?
Is the Ex named on the child’s birth certificate?

Original poster
Ann87 · 21/02/2020 19:41

6 years old,yes hes on the birth certificate and I'm not sure about his finances tbh he but works full time he live around 18 miles away if asked how he plans to get her to school ect.. says he will go self employed

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/02/2020 19:43

Well I think you need to stand firm or he will just bully and control you forever...

Realistically he doesn't want 50:50!

Original poster
Ann87 · 21/02/2020 19:46

Hes told me he doesn't want it to come to that I have saved messages of him stating hes only going to go a head with it if he has money taken from his wages x

OP posts:
12345kbm · 21/02/2020 19:47

Do not give in and well done for going through CMS. He can take you to court to contact. In the meantime, stick to what you're claiming for. Perhaps contact Gingerbread for further help and advice.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 21/02/2020 19:48

Stand firm, you're doing the right thing. He's trying to bully you as he doesn't like losing control.

TooTrueToBeGood · 21/02/2020 19:49

I would hope the court would have nothing but contempt for his access request when you show them what his motivation is. Hopefully you have texts or some form of evidence, though he probably won't follow through anyway.

TooTrueToBeGood · 21/02/2020 19:52

Also, maybe point out to him that you're only asking him to pay what the law says is the minimum due. If you do take him through CMS for collection they will hump him for an additional 20% to cover their admin. Best solution or round is for him to stop being a bullying wanker, pay the amount he is due for his kids and focus on trying to make at least a pretence of being a caring father.

Original poster
Ann87 · 21/02/2020 20:17

I do have messages of him saying it and cms have been involved since last year hes now over 1000 pound in debt with them so there now planning on collecting it them selfs.. I can do with out the money I have for more then a year but why should are child not get whats hers,I'm just fed up of his bullying and hanging it over my head,its worrying as he lives in his girlfriends house last weekend he got kicked out while r child was there bin bags the lot,she spent the whole night worried about her dad it's not a stable home

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 21/02/2020 20:22

It’s just a tactic to threaten and bully you. Unlikely the Court would approve it, as the child is in an established routine, and it would not be in the child’s best interest to change that now.
Keep a detailed record of all communication between you, and of when he chops & changes contact arrangements, which would show him as unreliable.
Stick to your guns, and good luck.

Original poster
Ann87 · 21/02/2020 21:44

Thank you for the advice think I'm gonna have to stick with it and see what happens x

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/02/2020 22:02

Ask him for his plan to increase hours up to 50:50 over a period. 5 months or so Wink

Original poster
Ann87 · 21/02/2020 22:14

He did mention one week with me another with him and weekends alternated but thinking about it logically it wouldn't work he used to have her Wednesday nights for tea but stopped cos he moved away he works alot including Saturday nights he lives 18 miles from us and her school,hobbies ect think as soon as he says it I just start to panick and give in iv not been able to sleep just dreading the end of the month when they take it cos I think he thinks iv cancelled it

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 21/02/2020 23:01

Don't give in - if he takes you to court, you get a solicitor and fight back, focussing on what's in DD's best interests.

he got kicked out while r child was there bin bags the lot,she spent the whole night worried about her dad it's not a stable home

Keep a record of all of this kind of things (dates, times, witnesses, etc) in case you do end up in court.

It sounds like he would need a radical overhaul of his own lifestyle to be able to care for a child 50/50, perhaps he will step up and perhaps he's bluffing.

But don't give in to him and, as a PP says, reiterate that you're not taking the money - it's for DD's living expenses and it's what the law says he needs to provide, it's not some bollocks you've made up to spite him!

Original poster
Ann87 · 21/02/2020 23:55

I was fine with the 100 he was paying but he kept stopping when he felt like it then nothing for a year and now due to csm calculations payments have more then doubled, even in November I agreed to a amount that was less and he didn't bother to pay so short him self in the foot really x just have to call his bluff and see where it goes x

OP posts:
redastherose · 22/02/2020 15:07

As you say he is bullying you,it costs money to go to court for access so I sincerely doubt he will pay the solicitors and court fees necessary. Also, he had more contact which he decided he couldn't be bothered with so that's not going to help him wanting the court to agree 50/50. Nor is his one week on one week off proposal likely to find favour as it would be unnecessarily disruptive to your daughter.

Original poster
Ann87 · 22/02/2020 17:28

Thank you dd just turned up two hours early ( no message phone call to say she would be ) and had spent the day with his girlfriend while he was in work .. and he moans about more time 🤬

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 22/02/2020 17:50

Put that down in your record book/log Ann! I wonder what the girlfriend thinks about 50/50 care, she would probably be doing most of his share!

Original poster
Ann87 · 27/02/2020 11:16

Well he found out they took money today got a message saying if I give him 100 pound back from it he wont take me court

OP posts:
ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 27/02/2020 11:45

My ex-husband tried this last year. My children are a bit older than yours, 9-10 tho.
Like you, custody has always been on his terms and then suddenly he wanted 50/50 and was making it clear it was for the money to me.
Cafcass (court) spoke to me and I said that I feel it’s important they have continuity through the week for school as they always have. I felt his claim for 50/50 was malicious because of the child support etc. They spoke to the children who said they wanted it to stay at it was. He said he wanted them to live with him.
I now have a residency order which means I can take them abroad without needing permission for up to a month.
Cafcass recommended all stay the same and he did not have 50/50 or residency x
I’d play the long game and stick with CMS and let him take you to court. X

LonginesPrime · 27/02/2020 11:47

Don't even respond to him, OP - it's not your problem.

If he takes you to court, it's only going to shine a light on his parenting so it will backfire.

AdaColeman · 27/02/2020 11:53

Keep a copy of that message, it proves he is threatening and intimidating you.
Don’t sent him the money back!

Original poster
Ann87 · 27/02/2020 12:48

Thank you I'm actually starting to think court might not be such a bad thing as iv had enough of it and it all needs sorting properly x

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 27/02/2020 13:07

They always do either this or stop contact.

Just ignore, if he gets 50/50 he will be paying a lot more out than the measly percentage child maintenance takes.

If he does take you to court then the access will be sorted out properly anyway, so no bad thing really.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 27/02/2020 17:20

I was absolutely petrified of court but now I’m glad he filed as I benefited from it with a residency order or whatever they call it now.
He also did stop seeing them for the 5 months it took until our court date. They play funny old games some of these people x

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