Ex threatening not to bring DC to their own party

[Pogmella]

DC has their birthday party in a few weeks, all booked and paid for, invites sent out. Child Arrangements order specifies we share party costs and celebrate it together.

This is where I have probably fucked up. Fell out with a close friend who was always pretty toxic and she’s invited ExH and OW to stay with them for a week. A lot of mutual friends around, v hurtful to me.

I had agreed that Ex could have an extra night with DC which would involve them attending too. I’ve now said that’s incredibly hirtful and I’d rather they stayed with me.

He’s just written to say if I don’t honour my original offer he won’t bring DC to their own party which is on his weekend.

Can I do anything or do I just need to hand them over for the extra night? He’s threatened in writing to disregard the court order.

You fell out with friend. Why does that change your DC staying with ExH? I am confused about original offer, sorry if I am being stupid.

LL83 they would all be staying at friend’s house. I know I’ve been a bit of a dick.

All sounds really petty and not about best thing for your children. You said he could have them an extra night, let him. Then there shouldn't be an issue with the party.

Arrangement orders are a great starting point but, in the long term, behaving like mature adults is the way to make the arrangements work.

I think you have to honour original plan. It isn't exH or OW fault you have fallen out with friend.

Unsure of legal position but given party is next week it needs sorted asap. If you and ex are parenting amicably it is a shame to fall out due to friend.

We’ve been divorced several years, friend has never shown any interest in them so it’s rather petty, yeah.

Ugh. Thought we were past this.

Where do I stand if I don’t release DC to him on the weekend in question I light of the threat? He’s paid half for the party.

I don't think you can change plans unfortunately. Just arrange to do something nice yourself.

I’ve messaged him to confirm he can have her but he’s blocked me. I can’t get hold of him at all.

Stick to the court order then you can't be accused of doing anything wrong. Experience has taught me that deviating from the order always makes things difficult for me as give the ex an inch and he takes a mile.
I never agree to extra time now as it just leads to problems. If he doesn't bring the children to the party then he will have breached the order, not you. Let them go as per the order and hope that he sees sense.

I got hold of my solicitor who advised if he were UK with old her from the party she’d suggest returning to court to revise all contact.

I understand why you want to, but I don’t think you should unilaterally rescind an agreed variation.

He is threatening to retaliate in a silly way, and could get himself in trouble because it’s a breach of the order. It would be more understandable if he said - well don’t expect me to stick to agreed variations in the future, if you won’t. (Clearly you both need agreed variations to be reliable). He may say this if someone gives him legal advice not to mess around with the children’s birthday party.

If you want to vary the agreed variation concerning your children visiting ex-friend, you need to find a way to get their father to agree. Eg offer him something.

(Supposing he does what he’s threatened and you did take it back to Court, I think you will find it is a waste of money on legal fees and that the judge thinks you both behaved poorly (albeit in different ways, and him more than you assuming the judge can be bothered to listen to the details). My bet is the judge simply says ‘both of you stop behaving like this’, so in effect your ex would only be warned; nothing would change.

He’s apologised. Which was extremely unexpected. I think I can count on one hand the times that’s happened...

Well it’s good that he climbed down his ladder. However you would have had a part in this if he hadn’t. I suggest you acknowledge your part and apologise as well.

It’s cheaper to be able to resolve these issues as adults rather than use solicitors. Which I think is something he realised. But you moment of being a dick will have cost you money.

Yep OP you need to apologise as well.

Quite frankly, you caused this. Ex previously had plans to have DC on that day, you argued with friend, friend invited ex over, ex accepted and wanted to take DC too, you disagreed because you're upset with friend (not at all a valid reason) and then wanted to stop contact.

Ex was petty by suggesting if you didn't keep to your plan then he wouldn't keep to his (taking her to her birthday party) but it sounds like that was an empty threat to get you to stick to plans. After all he has already paid for half of party and later apologised.

I'm sorry if that's a bit blunt OP but unless there's more to the story (and there always is) then based just on what you've said you almost caused a lot of stress to DC and your coparenting arrangements with ex which could have been completely avoided.

Your personal life shouldn't ever affect arrangements with ex unless there is a genuine risk.

Obviously I apologised immediately when I received his apology.

She was my bridesmaid and is socialising with the OW out of spite. I know I was in the wrong but there is a limit to what a person can bear emotionally not legally