Consecutive unhealthy relationships

[fuzzledface]

I know someone who was in a volatile relationship. Lots of screaming, threats to leave, begging to stay etc. The man she was with had various convictions and her children witnessed a lot of their arguing and attacking each other.

Social services were in and out as she said she had ended the relationship and then she would be reported again by someone and they would get back involved. In the end, the kids Dad got in touch with social services who asked that they children stay with him whilst they sorted it out.

She agreed to stay away from this man and agreed that she didn’t make safe decisions for her children when it came to him and a safety plan was put in place in which everyone was named with a role and what they should all do if her ex partner tried to get in touch with her. All seemed fine.

A month or so later, she said said she had been seeing a new man pretty much as soon as the last one had ended but that the kids hadn’t met him, didn’t know him and she wouldn’t be involving him in their lives. Shortly after she’d told me, she said they’d split up as he had numerous injunctions against him and she’d now involved the police. Kids Dad was on standby in case things turned nasty but she was really remorseful and gutted that she’d gotten involved with someone so soon after the last one.

Anyway, the point of the story: she is now back in a relationship with this man and he is around her children and she is categorically denying that she is with him to the kids Dad.
I’m worried if I try to speak to social services it will seem like something malicious as her last relationship was so similar. I keep telling myself that the kids haven’t said anything bad so they must be okay but he didn’t get all those injunctions from nowhere!

She obviously doesn’t make good choices for her children when it comes to these men but I’m not sure what best course of action should be?!

Who cares if it seems like something malicious? You need to report this. Kids don't speak up due to various reasons. Fear, worry that they'll be removed, worry their Mum will be unhappy. YOU are the adult who sees something is amiss. Report them.

Report it. You'd never forgive yourself if something happened to the kids.

It's early days, he's probably buying them toys and treats to impress them.
Give it a few months and things will change.
If social services have a cause for concern, so should you.

You have to report it.

The cause for concern was for her last boyfriend though. This is a new one who I’m not sure has had any involvement with social services previously but who definitely has injunctions our against him. She has one herself. She’s just bloody ignoring that for some reason. I’m very frustrated with her. I’m pissed off that she’s not considering how another volatile relationship will effect her children.

You have a concern about the safety of the children. Report to people who can look into it and safeguard the children. Which is social services. That’s it.

There is though about it, you don’t trust the mother, her old boyfriend or her new boyfriend.

Oh don’t think that I’m worried about phoning. I absolutely am not. I’m just trying to find the best course of action. I’m pretty sure if Dad was to phone they would tell him to just withhold them and go through court. Obviously I’m not their Dad but I wasn’t sure whether social services was where I should or the police etc. I will talk to them.

Social services are there for exactly this reason. If they investigate and find nothing then happy days. If they investigate and remove the children, you'll know you did the right thing.

Report this, please.

It's common for women who haven't been supported to learn about abusive vs healthy relationships and address trauma and other vulnerabilities that meant they were targeted by such men and accepted such treatment to end up in further abusive situations. If they still think abuse is normal and/or the best they could ever hope for then there isn't much of a cue to try and leave, for instance.

Nobody in the field will find it implausible this has happened. You need to act in the children's interests.

The really sad thing is that the children may be so used to living in an abusive environment that they wouldn't consider any of it noteworthy enough to mention.