Court

[happysoul1980]

So had court today , seems like the judge didn't like me or my Barrister and gave everythin the dad wanted , I had some tearful children , they are not gonna cope but they haven't got any choice , very sad in my home tonight :-(

What was the order the judge made and how old are your children?

They been cryin , they don't want to spend a week away from me , my 5 year old still sleeps in my bed , he got half of all holidays , tea every tue , every other fri till Sunday , he dropped takin son to football when not his weekend , he won't share birthdays when fall on his weekend , my eldest has been cryin cause she gonna really miss them , I'm drained so many tears in this house tonight he also takes son to football every wed for training , the judge wasn't nice to me at all :-(

That doesn’t sound like a healthy situation. This is a normal arrangement. Why are they so resistant to going?

That is a very standard arrangement. Did you go in with a proposal regarding what would happen on birthdays, at Christmas etc?

That doesn't sound like the judge was unfair, our sounds normal. Is there something we don't know about the situation?

It, not our

When I read your post I thought he'd got residency over you!!

This really isn't that much. Is there a back story? Have you be engaging in Pa?

I'm assuming your eldest daughter isn't his? Her feelings really don't matter and shouldn't be taken into account. That's for you to sort out.

Yes sounds very normal unless there are other factors such as domestic abuse

Judges now are much more insistent on equal treatment for both parents unless there is strong evidence it isn't in the children's interest. I'm sorry but they do see a lot of cases whereby one parent does persuade children or turns them against the other parent and judges are keen to maintain meaningful contact

So every other weekend, tea once a week and a week in the holidays?

That’s perfectly standard. You wanted him to have less contact?

This is a pretty standard and fair arrangement. You should have been prepared for this. You need to work on changing the narrative to a more positive one for the sake of your children otherwise this is just going to be awful.

Children that young will take their emotional cues from their parents. Your anxiety about what are perfectly normal and fair arrangements may be the problem here.

Sorry you are all sad It will be really difficult. Really really difficult.. you will get through it and it will get easier. 5 is so small.

I know I have an unpopular view - not the same as previous posters. My kids were very attached to me and when they had to start going to their dads for weekends it was very traumatic. (It wasn't court ordered).

It's not nice that the judge was dismissive of you. I have not been to court but it must be a horrible feeling

@happysoul1980 can I ask what it was you were proposing?

As others have said, that’s a very standard order.

You need to encourage your children to feel positive about contact. Young children will be tearful and scared if they can see Mummy is upset. You need to put a brave face on and encourage them to build a decent relationship with their father. If you don't, then deliberately or otherwise you may damage their relationship with their father and even their long-term mental health.

Really, your children should have had no idea about the court process or that anyone was deciding when they were and weren't seeing their father. They are far too young to be told about any of this.

In their best interests you should simply say "You're going to have tea with Daddy on Tuesdays. That will be nice." You are damaging your children by doing anything else. Please try and remain positive for their emotional wellbeing.

Op, it does feel pretty standard contact arrangements so don't think it was about the judge disliking you..just a template that they roll out.

Court is so stressful and you might have been given fake hope for a better outcome but you will settle into it.
Please try to be positive for the children as they usually cope way better than you expect.

How are you today?

It is a standard amount of contact, your child has a right to see both parents equally. It is not the judge being horrible to you - their remit is to think of the child.

I understand it is all very raw at the moment and it will be a huge change, but the best thing you can do is to support both your children through this. Don't criticise your ex, if you can't say anything nice say nothing and give it time to settle down. Don't declare it a failure after a couple of weeks - give it a good few months to bed in and everyone to get used to it. Your attitude is key to the happiness and safe feeling of the children here - you can help make it better for them, but you can also help make it much worse - the choice is yours really.

It sounds like it's all been very acrimonious between you and your ex, but maybe in time things will ease and there will be more leeway around holidays and birthdays, especially as the child grows up and begins to express a preference.

I always been encouraging them , we neva lived together he was hardly ever around , he only showed interest when he met his new partner, they been a lot of changed they will have to adjust to , it's hard on everyone , :-(

You should be acting positively around your children not helping them view it as a huge negative and letting them see you upset - this makes them even more upset and is frankly, damaging.

Remind them that they're with you more.
Remind them it's not forever.
Remind them Daddy loves them too. Do not slag him off to/in front of them; as tempting as it can be (trust me, I know!)

It's your responsibility as their Mum to show this whole situation in as good a light as you can. Find the silver lining. There is one, I can see it myself