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Legal matters

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Original poster

child contact issues with ex husband

20 replies

Charlie125 · 15/09/2019 22:41

I am posting for some advice about child contact with ex-husband. To cut a long story short we divorced when kids were very young, we have 2 girls under 10 - we don’t have a legal arrangement for contact as kids were so young when we divorced. Ex likes to live his own life and do what he wants and basically, we cramped his style. I don’t like him, he was aggressive and difficult at the end of the marriage. Kids and I are settled and we plod along okay.

The problem is now that he wants to see the kids whenever he wants to see them at short notice. He does not live near and when he takes the kids they are in another place and end up missing events with friends and activities. We generally have every other weekend rule and half the holidays, but atm he wants more time which will involve a lot of traveling for the kids with his activities at short notice. I think it’s not fair on the kids that they are missing out on things where they live so that he can take them places. I say no, but he just says he will be taking them.

Also I have asked him to drop off the kids on the door-step when he collects and drops off, but he just walks right past me and comes into my house, he will make derogatory comments to me and sometimes he subtly invades my personal space to intimidate me. I really don’t want him in the house, but short of calling the police I cant stop him without upsetting the kids – and he knows it. If I refuse him access to the kids, he will just turn up at the school.

I think the only way to resolve this is likely a contact order, but I can’t really afford this. Also how can I stop him walking in my house without having to call the police and upset the kids.
Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/09/2019 22:47

Refuse all contact and let him take you to court and you self rep.

Door chain on the door, yeah you may have to call the police and it may upset the DC but what they are witnessing is harmful anyway... a man consistently ignore a woman's rights and boundaries and so on.

Original poster

Charlie125 · 15/09/2019 22:54

Thanks RM - you are quite right of course. Though if I refuse him contact, he will turn up at the school and at my house. I don’t have a chain on the door.

Would a solicitors letter to him help (I could afford that) making it clear he is to drop off on the door step and when he can have the kids as a first step - rather than going to refuse all contact as the first step ?

That is - does it carry any weight ?

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 15/09/2019 23:00

A CAO would help sort this. If you can't afford a solicitor you can apply direct to the court and represent yourself. It costs £215. I have done this myself. It's not quite as scary as you might imagine.

You should show you have considered mediation in advance. You may not have to pay if you are on a low income. At the very least, you should attend a MIAM meeting where a mediator can sign the application to say mediation is not wanted or suitable.

RandomMess · 15/09/2019 23:01

Not 100% but I think only a court order with penal notice/power of arrest (not sure the technical term) is the only thing that really does.

He doesn't seem to respect you so I reckon that is the only things that will actually work...

Do you claim maintenance from him or is he not earning?

Yes he could collect them school but he's not going to want to hang onto them for too long if they impinge on his lifestyle...

Original poster

Charlie125 · 15/09/2019 23:13

Thanks DYM I will look into the CAO. That could work, perhaps a solicitor’s letter to start followed up with this.

And no RM, he has no respect for me – which of course says much more about him than myself. He is not a nice person (though this was very well hidden initially) and uses the fact I don’t want to upset the kids against me.

I think refusing all contact will really inflame this situation and I don’t have any protection to stop him causing problems at my house or the school.

OP posts:

Original poster

Charlie125 · 15/09/2019 23:14

And yes he pays maintenance.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/09/2019 23:15

Don't waste your money on a solicitor's letter it doesn't carry weight. Just apply for CAO it will
Inflame to start with but anything other than you rolling over to let him do as he wants will...

Original poster

Charlie125 · 15/09/2019 23:19

Would you know how much a CAO could cost of you do go through a solicitor ?

OP posts:

FuckFacePlatapus · 15/09/2019 23:28

You can stop him just do not answer the door, keep it locked, never mind you cant ring the Police, you need to, your DD need to see you not putting up with his abusive controlling behaviour.

Communicate through Email only and arrange to meet in a busy neutral place. If he turns up unexpected as i said ignore. If he persists perhaps a Child arrangement order through the court might help.

Original poster

Charlie125 · 15/09/2019 23:41

Thanks for your advice. I cant lock the door when he is dropping the kids off after spending the weekend with him. I need to open the door for the kids to come in. That is when he walks in. I would not let him in if he just turned up. He is very entitled, and I only communicate via text. I have asked if he can drop the kids off elsewhere, but he refuses and sayshe will hold on to them until he can drop them off at the house, then they will be tired for school the next day. I could not be clearer that he is not welcome at the house.

I am going to book a solicitors appointment this week. Good advice here, I think I am protecting the kids by not making a scene but of course they think this is okay behaviour.

OP posts:

wibbletooth · 16/09/2019 05:16

What would happen if you stood outside and locked the door behind you to receive the dc, and then said we thought we would wave you off so you don’t need to open the door?

And / or if you then popped the dc in your car and said we just need to pop to the supermarket/ see a friend/ go out and then drive off - preferably driving out after him...

Or if you don’t have a car could a friend with one be there to give you a lift? Or do you know your neighbours - could you pop in to see them? Or a corner shop? Or anything local so that you don’t have to go on the door and that means he can’t barge in after you...

Also ring up your local police on the non-emergency line and ask to speak to someone for advice - it’s a form of coercive control and domestic abuse even if you’re no longer married and living together - still counts. The police will be able to give you a much clearer idea of things you can do to protect yourself.

Original poster

Charlie125 · 16/09/2019 08:24

Thanks Wibbletooth, good advice here. I have done your suggestion before by locking doors and standing in the garden. That time he stayed for at least 40 mins, asking the kids to show him the garden. I did keep saying, ‘hadn’t you best be off now’ – just ignored, running around with kids ‘playing’ – what a pratt!. I did have him drop off at another place, but he now refuses to do this, saying he will hold onto the kids as long he he likes, until he can drop them off at my house.
This issue will not go away and I can’t involve others for the next 10 years + at drop-off.

Unless any other suggestions, I am going to get the solicitors letter, I will stick to locking the door and go for the CAO. I can’t see any other option. Also good point to seek informal advice from the police – I do feel intimidated by him. I just don’t want the school involved ect, which will likely be the case if I speak with the police.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 16/09/2019 08:27

What do you think the solicitor's letter will do? I just don't want you to waste your money because he can (and will) ignore it.

Original poster

Charlie125 · 16/09/2019 08:39

Hi RM, I know he will ignore it – but I think its a formal marker of the state of things, recorded in a proper way (unlike texts ect). Its about drawing a line, even though its in chalk. It will stay as a reference point, as he does not respect my wishes. Also I think it will help if he gets a letter from a legal representative, as he likes using legal threats often (e.g. ‘I will go for joint custody ect’) and due to his lack of interpersonal skills and bullying nature has resorted to legal means with others to solve his problems in the past.
Looks like the only thing that can be done is the CAO, and advice from the police to keep him out the house. Never thought I would be in this position. I am not even married to him! Off to work now will check replies later.
Thank you for your advice

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 16/09/2019 10:12

You asked how much it will cost if you use a solicitor. It's not really possible to say because it depends how much correspondence is required, whether it ends up going to court ordered contact or an agreement can be made before the final hearing and whether you have a solicitor or barrister in court. It could be several thousand.

Original poster

Charlie125 · 16/09/2019 22:49

Thanks DYM, I take it you can avoid these costs if you represent yourself, as you did ?

OP posts:

FenellaVelour · 16/09/2019 23:58

£215 for the application, if you apply direct to the court.

Doyoumind · 17/09/2019 10:09

Yes, you can avoid all costs except the £215. You could spend some money getting advice from a solicitor first and then still do it all yourself. You can also do it all yourself but get a direct access barrister to represent you in court. There are usually several court dates though so that could still end up being expensive.

OddSockMonkey · 20/09/2019 18:34

Not sure if you’re aware op but you can speak to the school and whilst they cannot stop a parent with parental responsibility they can stall and call you if he turns up unannounced to give you time to get there and get the children, possibly from a back door, my mam has had this happen often at her school she works at where a non resident parent will turn up 15-30 mins early and asks to take the children not on their contact days

Original poster

Charlie125 · 21/09/2019 19:54

Thank you DYM. I will need to do this myself and will look into DA barristers.

Also, thanks OS –useful to know its not just me in a situation like this. Though I hope it does not come to this, it feels like I would be starting a game (who can get to the school first) that only the kids ultimately loose and I would not be able to win.

Spoke with solicitor and agreed the course of action. Will see how it goes – might need further advice though – thank you for your replies.

OP posts:

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