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Original poster

Issues with 'daddy'

21 replies

Almostmama · 15/09/2019 19:51

I'm pregnant, close to term and uninvolved with the father, I am concerned about fathers appearance after babys born. I have not spoken to him as he has an abusive side and I know his response will most likely be denial of paternity, accusations etc. He is aware as he is local though. Does anyone know my legal obligations, paternity testing etc. If I don't want him involved, I'm sure it wont be held against me for not speaking to him since last abusive episode with said guy?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 15/09/2019 20:57

Any trusted intermediaries?

I think he should be told he has a child

It does sound as if non-involvement could be best. But can you comfortably afford to raise a DC? Men should support you their DC unless there are truly exceptional reasons why not

Original poster
Almostmama · 15/09/2019 21:01

He knows... different things have been heard, he knows the chances but is imagine he is convincing himself hes not the dad and hiding with girl he is with, maybe hoping it will irritate me?

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 15/09/2019 21:16

You have no legal obligations. You don't have to involve him at all. It is up to him to apply for contact if he wants it. If you chase him for child maintenance he may deny paternity, in which case a DNA test may be needed.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 15/09/2019 21:20

My opinion may be unpopular but I wouldn’t be informing an abusive man of anything and would find a way to do without his money.

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 21:33

Don't tell him anything, don't put his name on the birth certificate and pursue him for child maintenance.

Original poster
Almostmama · 15/09/2019 22:52

Can I pursue for maintenance without name on birth certificate? Wouldn't this lead to DNA tests court case to prove etc?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 23:17

Yes you can pursue him. If CMS contact him and he denies he's the father then they can interview you both and request that he takes, and you allow, a DNA test.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 16/09/2019 07:01

I would not involve an abusive man in mine or my child's life. If you can manage without CMS, then I wouldn't pursue it.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 16/09/2019 07:03
  • sorry, I meant manage without maintenance, not CMS.
TheJoxter · 16/09/2019 07:04

Don’t put him on the birth certificate

Report the abuse

I was with an abusive man and made the mistake of not reporting it, he reappeared when DS was 6 and took me to court, has ended up with almost 50/50 contact and is making my life hell

1ToughCookie · 16/09/2019 07:57

Definitely report the abuse now. Later is better than never. You won't have a leg to stand on in court unless it's been reported.

I'd not inform him. To me that's opening a window back into your life. You need to keep yourself and your child safe. If he's abused you, he'll likely abuse the child as well.

Before pursuing child maintenance, check what impact this week have on your child. If it'll bring your child into contact with your abuser, it's a hard no. But I think the courts wouldn't allow a man to dodge responsibility or endanger a child. Which is why you need to report the abuse.

Juliephine · 16/09/2019 08:19

I never told my daughters father I was pregnant because I had already split up with him when I found out.
He had beaten up his ex wife, he let me down, stood me up, mentally cruel and also took drugs.
I made the decision not to tell him because he was unstable and why would you want that in your child's life.
I had various family members saying he has the right to know but in the end you do whats right by the child.
He lived locally to me so I moved house I thought what would I do if he saw her the answer would be shes not his shes the milkmans, friends, sperm donor etc
To get on a birth certificate he needs to be there when you register the childs name.
If he causes you any problems call the police, don't awknowledge the baby as his verbally or written if he wants to have a dna test then he pays for it and don't give your consent for child to be tested.

I love my daughter to the ends of the earth she is happy and doing really well so just enjoy your little one shes yours

Good luck

prh47bridge · 16/09/2019 08:24

Getting him to pay maintenance will not give him access to the child or any rights over the child. If he applies to the courts for contact, whether or not he pays maintenance will not play any part in the decision. Similarly, if he wants a say in the child's life he can apply for parental responsibility regardless of whether or not he is paying maintenance. In either case, if the OP denied he was the father the court could order a DNA test.

KUGA · 16/09/2019 08:49

Make the shithead pay in anyway possible.

Lavenderlass123 · 16/09/2019 08:59

Not quite the same thing, but ex wanted nothing to do with unborn baby, threatened to drag me to abortion clinic, abusive verbally calling me a slut, whose, ruining his life, wanted nothing to do with baby. Even his family were nasty. Had paid not one penny towards the baby. Now she's here, he's demanding to take her out, accuses me of breastfeeding so he cannot have access, threatens to take me to court ! He has of course parental responsibility. It is unfair that a nasty man should be able to have an influence in any childs life. I feel for you and hope it can be resolved. It is not right that the joy of a new baby should be overshadowed by such worry. Good luck

Bella362 · 16/09/2019 15:31

Personally I’d not put him on the birth certificate, deny baby is his and not persue for child maintenance, life will be a lot easier if you’re left to parent your child in peace

Original poster
Almostmama · 16/09/2019 18:16

Can I refuse a DNA test, will the courts force it on me and my child?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 16/09/2019 19:04

If he were to make an application to the court for a declarator of paternity and parental rights and responsibilities then the court would probably order a DNA test.

But is he going to bother going to all that hassle?

chantico · 16/09/2019 21:35

"Can I refuse a DNA test, will the courts force it on me and my child?"

If you refuse a test, then the conclusion will be that the claimed paternity is accurate (as you will not take steps to disprove it). Ditto if a woman says a man is the father but he refuses a test.

prh47bridge · 16/09/2019 23:34

Can I refuse a DNA test, will the courts force it on me and my child

You can refuse to co-operate but the courts can arrange for a sample to be taken from your child without your consent. Alternatively they can, as chantico says, take your refusal as meaning he is the father.

Original poster
Almostmama · 17/09/2019 11:20

Thank you that's good to know that they can assume paternity from that, good to have forewarning! I wouldn't like to be the uncooperating mum keeping my child from their father but am trying to decide if it comes to it what's best for my child and for me.

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