Absent father threats to stop paying Maintenance until I allow unsupervised access

[PloddingOn4353]

Hi all - the situation is complex, but probably not different from thousands of others! Lived with father, relationship ended upon pregnancy test result, father told me he wanted nothing to do with DD but would support DD (already had one DD at time to ex). I did everything alone, pregnancy, childbirth, night feeds, sleepless nights etc. Father then shows up wanting access; I allowed this as my own mother was absent and this had a huge impact on my life and mental health, even as an adult. Father was coming to my house once a week, but missed a few occasions and didn't inform me. This very quickly dwindled out (after a few weeks) and no word for many months. He finds new partner and they move in together while he takes care of her DD and regularly sees his own DD (from ex). Eventually, new partner falls pregnant, and on 13 Aug 18, father gets in touch with me requesting he comes to my house to visit DD once a week. Again, I allow this, but I am very clear that he comes and stays, or leaves and doesn't come back again - stressing the importance of continuity for our now 3 year old DD. Arrives the first few times - not willing to get involved - swears a lot in front of her, told her the police were coming to get her for being naughty (goes against everything I teach her about the blue light services!), and disciplining this child, to whom he is a stranger to! I bring up his behaviours, he states they will change. He has always denied paternity of my DD from day dot. DD's bday in Oct, he arrives at my address as arranged - does not say hello or happy bday, but starts swearing and shouting that his new pregnant partner has left him. Poor DD was scared and upset by this (naturally). Then no word for many weeks. In Nov, he approaches me and says he wants to start paying maintenance for DD. I gladly accept this offer. He advises me it will it be until Jan 19. Ok. DD start school on 07 Jan, still no word re maintenance, but I receive a text asking for paternity test for the CMS (Child Maintenance Service). Advises that he wants this doing independently so we can arrange family based agreement. I am sceptical. On 09 Jan 19, I phoned CMS myself to see what my options were. 2hr 45 mins on phone, and my case is now set up! I receive nasty messages off ex saying he cannot believe I have gone behind his back re this matter. However, regular payment starts coming; he is now paying CMS for 3 children, direct pay. Still no word re contact, no involvement with DD, she is still nervous around him and does not ask after him. she has never met his latest DD in the 8 months of her being born. I receive a text message from him today stating that he will not pay any more CMS until I put it in writing that I will allow unsupervised contact with my DD. No chance - this is not appropriate given that he is a stranger to her, he is of no fixed abode (living in cousin's static caravan) and so has no safe environment, regularly texts whilst driving, regularly has a pint and drives, so on so on... I know that CMS and access are 2 separate entities, so I contact CMS and advise them what I have been told - advised to call back if payment missed so they can arrange attachment of earnings. Currently waiting until 03 Sept to see if money goes in. He is not listed on birth cert, has currently never been heavily, if at all involved with DD, and has always denied paternity. I am not a stupid woman - I keep all text messages, correspondence, records of behaviour etc, but I cannot help but feel very overwhelmed! Also, have spoken with retired police Sgt through work, and what he is saying to me is not categorised as bribery. Can someone please advise? I am not wrong for not allowing unsupervised contact am I?!

Many thanks for reading this long winded post,
PO4353

As you know - access and maintenance not connected. The CMS are collecting from him and will place a DEduction on earnings if he stops. He can only avoid by giving up his job.

If he wants access then I would tell him to go to court. If not on bc then needs to get PR first. It's a PITA and doubt he will bother but if he does you just need to tell the courts what you have said here. They will want him to establish a relationship wrote allowing any unsupervised access .

This is for him to do. You just have to say 'no' or 'not without me' until/if a court tells you otherwise.

If he has paid maintenance at all he must have accepted paternity in some way. If he brings up the fact he doubts your DD is his I would ask for a DNA test just to stop that behaviour, once it is in writing he can't bring it up again.

YANBU, he definitely doesn't sound suitable for unsupervised access. Does he see his other children unsupervised?

If he wants it badly enough he'll go to court, let the CMS deal with maintenance and paternity tests you've got mothering to do and he's a big boy.

Leave him to attempt his own arrangements with the relevant agencies, he likely won't bother as he doesn't seem to care all that much, plus with the drink driving, aggression and likelihood that he will disappear off next time he gets a GF you are being sensible by refusing a 'private' arrangement and insisting on outside influence so to speak.
You are well within your rights to refuse his request.

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies, and please bare with me because I am brand new to this 😁

He accepted paternity by simply not responding to CMS when they asked (obviously the actions of a person who genuinely denies paternity 🙄)

I've always told him he can have the dna test, as there is no doubt dd is his bio daughter

I have never denied supervised contact with either myself, my mum or his mum

As much as I appreciate that this may end up at family court (if he ever pulled his finger out) how would it go down me representing myself? I simply cannot afford fees, and I'm under the impression I would not be entitled to any form of aid :(

He does see the other children unsupervised, much to my surprise. Unfortunately, it seems to me that some single parents just jump at the opportunity to have some free time?!?! Oh dear!

Thank you again for your replies :)

Your timeline will be very helpful in court. He sounds like an arse and I would not expect him to take you to court anyway! Let cms do their stuff and keep all messages..

You don't need to afford any fees unless you agree to mediation. In which case it's split between you circ £100 each but if he has been abusive you can just refuse - no cost.
He is the one who has to pay the £215 court fee. Not you.
To self represent you simply go to court and tell the judge what you have said here. Emphasise the lack of a relationship. Also be adamant that you ARENT denying contact just not unsuitable unsupervised in the interest of your child's feelings of being with a virtual stranger.
Sadly, having to self represent is the norm these days . The judge/courts are very used to it and normally very helpful.