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Original poster

Advice for toddler access please

30 replies

MissYeti · 24/08/2019 16:43

I hope this is the right place to post this. Ex walked out last week and left me with 16 month old DS. We're now stuck in a battle of wills about how much access he should have to DS.

I suggested every other Saturday from 10-1 as DS doesn't sleep anywhere other than his cot and has his nap at 1 til 3 or so. As DS drops his nap then ex's access time can increase - I don't have an issue with that. Eventually he'll have him every other Saturday 10-7 so DS can come home for bed.

Would this arrangement be seen as acceptable by solicitors/courts/whatever? Ex has already agreed to it but I've had a shitty message from his mother who thinks he should have him every weekend.

Obviously a little way in the future DS will be in nursery/school and I don't want to set a precedent that ex gets all the fun times at the weekends while I get the slog of the every day school routine. I'd like a weekend too but I don't then want to take time away from my ex. I'm trying to find a good balance. Help?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 24/08/2019 16:47

Personally unless there is a backstory no that would not be seen as enough. Every other weekend and one night in the week
Unless there is good reason an overnight or two makes sense.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/08/2019 16:50

I think that's fine for the Saturday, can you add some time one evening a week? As you already acknowledged it will be under review quite often and I agree every weekend is not fair on you.

MustardScreams · 24/08/2019 16:51

Unless you have proof of your dp being abusive or a danger to your ds the court will start with every other weekend, and a midweek night as a minimum really.

He is both your child. Your dp has every right to spend time with his son. If he doesn’t sleep that is ok, it won’t do your ds any harm, and the more time he spends with his dad, the more used to it he will be and will settle easier. 4 hours a week is absolutely not enough time at all.

ems137 · 24/08/2019 16:58

If it were to go to court then no, it probably wouldn't be enough. However, what's the best for DS? Does it massively affect him if he doesn't have his nap? Would he not just go to bed a little bit earlier instead?

If ex is happy with the arrangement though it's got fuck all to do with his mother. And absolutely no way would I ever agree to every weekend at any age. Like you said, you don't want all the daily grunt work and no weekend fun do you?

MustardScreams · 24/08/2019 17:00

It will massively affect their ds going from seeing his father every day to just 4 hours a week. What can you actually do with a toddler in 4 hours when part of that is having lunch?

Original poster
MissYeti · 24/08/2019 17:00

Ex works evenings during the week so wouldn't be able to do that. He said he can see him Monday or Thursday during the day which we've said is fine but he's made no effort to arrange that yet.

It's been really unsettling to DS to see his dad today. Bedtime would be a nightmare if he had him til 7 straight away. I'm trying to find a balance between what DS can handle and what is deemed enough, I'm not trying to stop ex from seeing him

OP posts:
Original poster
MissYeti · 24/08/2019 17:03

I have no issue with him staying overnight but DS is 16 months old. He doesn't sleep anywhere other than his cot. I've tried and he just gets really stressed out and worked up.

When he's old enough ex can have him overnight, not a problem. I just don't want DS to be upset trying to sleep in surroundings he's not familiar with

OP posts:
Original poster
MissYeti · 24/08/2019 17:05

@MustardScreams he may have seen him every day but my ex barely interacted with DS. Today would have been the first time in a very long time he even gave him his lunch

OP posts:
titchy · 24/08/2019 17:06

Tbh that's way too little. If you're going to insist on him being brought back for his nap you're going to have to agree to every Saturday. He'll get used to staying elsewhere if he goes often enough and has good quality contact.

Quartz2208 · 24/08/2019 17:08

Your ex needs to get a cot and space set up once he has done that you need to let him have EOW and maybe some time in the week. Unless there is abuse or problematic living conditions you are in effect cutting your son interaction with his father and paternal grandparent to 3 hours a week.

MustardScreams · 24/08/2019 17:11

Wait you’re offering 4 hours every other week.

Op that is completely unacceptable, honestly. Could you only see your child 8 hours a month?

You have to relax a bit and let your ex learn how to take care of his child. He’s not always going to get it right, just as you don't. But your proposal is cruel. If he takes you to court he will have every right to ask for 50/50 access and is likely to be granted it.

peachgreen · 24/08/2019 17:15

Your ex definitely needs to get a cot so DS can nap, and eventually stay over there. Are you BFing? As much sympathy as I have for your situation I don't think there's any reason on the face of it why he shouldn't be moving toward having overnights - like others have said, EOW and one night in the week. My DD is just a few months older than your DS and I think it would actually be easier to introduce overnights now than when she's older. Although of course there may be a reason you don't want to introduce overnights.

Original poster
MissYeti · 24/08/2019 17:17

He's moved back to his parents and the room he's in doesn't have space for a cot. Would it be acceptable to put a cot in one of my ex's siblings rooms? That would be the only space for him.

He hasn't arranged to see him during the week yet so not sure if he's planning to or not. Do I need to say he has him on a Thursday as well and make it an expectation that he sees him then?

I don't want to dictate the whole situation. I'd like him to pick DS up randomly and spend some time with him

OP posts:
BedraggledBlitz · 24/08/2019 17:25

I'd give him every other weekend, no overnights until DS ready. I've been there, it was hard but it didnt take long for me to look forward to my weekends to myself x

Missingstreetlife · 24/08/2019 17:28

Tell his mum to butt out for a start. It's between you and him, to do what's best for dc. Easier to give more time later than claw it back.
Talk to your ex about what he wants and can manage. Better he does a little reliably than bite off more than he can chew. Otherwise he will be leaving dc with his mum.
Mediation if you can't agree, but do try. No to sibling bedroom though it's up to him in his time unless safety concerns

Original poster
MissYeti · 24/08/2019 17:36

To those saying EOW what times would you say were acceptable? I can't imagine DS would do well without a nap for a whole weekend Confused all day Saturday and a half day Sunday so I have some chance of getting a nap in?

OP posts:
titchy · 24/08/2019 17:41

If he's tired he'll nap at ex's. Don't make toddler nap times an excuse for not developing a proper relationship with his father.

wishfull888 · 24/08/2019 17:44

If it's 3 hours together then personally I don't see how contact every weekend is really going to interfere with "your fun time" . You'll have him remainder of Saturday afternoon and for the entire day on a Sunday. Every weekend at this stage for such short visits would be more reasonable imo.

Original poster
MissYeti · 24/08/2019 18:00

@titchy he doesn't sleep anywhere else. He gets ratty and irritated and then is overtired and won't sleep at night. I'm not using it as an excuse I'm trying to protect his wellbeing.

@wishfull888 I think you missed the part where I said about his access going up as soon as DS drops his nap. I have no intention of keeping the visits so short forever!

OP posts:
Original poster
MissYeti · 24/08/2019 18:04

Going to go to CAB next week and get some advice from them. Seems I'm being completely unreasonable so I need to get a better idea of what would be acceptable. If they can't help then I'll look into seeing a solicitor

OP posts:
peachgreen · 24/08/2019 18:05

He can nap in a cot in a sibling's room if needs be. It's your ex's job to set up a space for him to sleep safely and to get him to sleep when he's there.

Buyitinbamboo · 24/08/2019 18:11

I think that toddlers are more adaptable than you think, particularly when they are away from their mothers. My friend said exactly the same thing that her daughter would only sleep in her cot in a dark room. Well she comes to me for the day and sleeps wherever, goes out like a light that night. 3 hours every 2 weeks is nothing. I cant work out if he actually wants more contact time or if it's his mum that wants it though. I think at this point in time I would offer all day one of the weekend days and he can come over one week night and do dinner/bedtime

mama1980 · 24/08/2019 18:15

It's your ex's job to sort his sleep and cot etc. when he's with him. Children are very adaptable, he will learn quickly
Generally as others have said unless there are safety issues every other weekend and one evening/overnight a week would be usual.

titchy · 24/08/2019 18:17

he doesn't sleep anywhere else. He gets ratty and irritated and then is overtired and won't sleep at night.

Yes he will. Honestly. Nurseries manage it all the time. Separated parents manage it all the time. He'll manage. The first couple of weekends might be tricky, but he will manage it.

Seeing his father three hours a fortnight won't help him feel settled and safe though.

Quartz2208 · 24/08/2019 18:51

Your ex needs to create a safe and secure environment including a cot - if he cant do that then he cant have longer. Simply say that to him and his mother that he needs to provide that but other than that he (and his mum) do need to do it and figure it out. And he needs to continue the relationship.

He may not drop the nap for another 18 months that is unsustainable I think for your sake you need to address it as well

I do think you need to be prepared for the fact that the nap is not a good enough reason and EOW and one night in the week is likely to be what is suggested. If he doesnt stick to that it is on him and you can get evidence of that to drop it down