Leaving abusive husband- how can I protect my baby

[Siablue]

I want to leave my husband as he is being abusive to me. We have a 1year old baby and I worry about the affect his behaviour has in him.

My biggest worry is that if I leave my husband will go to court to try and get custody of our son. I am the main carter for our baby who is still breastfed and wakes up several times during the night (it is always me who wakes up, my husband had a medical condition that means he is a very heavy sleeper).
I am afraid that if I leave and take our baby he will go to court and get access to him. He would not be able to care for him overnight and has shouted at him in the past. He is also trying to prevent me from making the house safe for our baby by leaving things around that I am not allowed to move.

I have spoken to Women’s Aid and they say I can leave with him and that I could get a restraining order. I am considering going to the police after I have left. If I do this do I have to let him have contact with our son. I feel very trapped at the moment and think that maybe I will have to stay as there is no other way of keeping him safe.

I also want to move away with the baby. Women’s Aid have advised me to go and not tell my husband. I am worried that this would count against me.

If he is abusive any contact is likely to be short and supervised. Report to police and leave as per wa advice.

Do I need to take evidence to report to the police? He will say it it all my fault and that I make him angry. He accused me of dropping DS on his head.

I strongly advise you to make reports to the police. I was in a similar position to you. I never went to the police and it's the only regret I have. It will make your case stronger. Gather as much evidence as you can of his behaviour. Speak to your GP or health visitor so things are getting recorded.

Yes, there is a high chance, being realistic, that contact between your DC and ex would be granted. For a young child it would be limited and likely would not include overnights until your baby is older. Residence will not be granted to him. Do not be scared of that.

@doyoumind can I ask what happened when you left. What evidence did you have. I feel that now we have DS he will control us forever and we will always have to live by his rules even if we leave.

It is awful that he will probably be given overnight when DS is bigger. I hate the thought of him having to go there without me to protect him.

I don't have experience of restraining orders. I did get advice about them before I left but was scared and confused and didn't do anything about it. In the end I don't think I needed one personally.

I didn't have evidence and I found when we eventually went to court they weren't really interested in what had gone on. That's the frustrating thing.

If you do ever end up in mediation (not advised in cases of abuse) or court I have lots of advice.

Again, I can't lie. He will probably be in your life for at least the next 18 years because of your child. You just have to learn how to manage it. It's hard but easier than living it day in day out.

I had the same concerns about overnight contact but it didn't happen until later for various reasons in my case. Moving a distance away will probably make overnight contact more difficult so it's a good plan initially. Don't tell him because he could try and prevent you going physically or with a court order. If he takes action once you've gone as long as you can show you are working in the best interests of your child I don't think you have anything to worry about.

You need to focus on being a good mother to your baby. That's the best you can do.

Definitely go to the police. If you don't it will be very hard to argue later that he shouldn't have contact because of abuse. I would actually go to them before you leave. They have specially trained officers who can help you stay safe as you leave. If there is a threat to your safety they can support you in relocating far away from him, which will help to minimise chances of later contact.

Please try not to worry OP. The main thing you need to focus on is getting yourself and your child away from this abusive man. He may fill your head with worries about how he will get custody etc but he will find reality quite different. Report any instances of abusive behaviour to the police. even if there is nothing much they can do, having it on record will serve you will in the long run. You will also likely get support and good advice from the police and whilst they can only act on firm evidence they will see through his bullshit and lies. If he is stupid enough to give a statement to them including that "you make him angry" he will be giving you a gift on a plate.

Women’s Aid will not advise you to do something that harms you or your baby.

Your husband will happily say something to upset you. But always remember that he is as new to this process as you (I hope) and Women’s Aid have loads of experience. They really do know what they are talking about.

Thank you. I am finding it very hard to think straight at the moment. I will try and get a much evidence together as I can. It is hard to believe that I can ever escape. I am so used to thinking that I am not allowed to do things that it is hard to sort out what is real from what isn’t.

I tried to call the Rights of Woman as recommended on my other thread but I haven’t been able to get through. I am very afraid to leave as I know he will punish me and he know the best way of hurting me is to take my baby away.

I rang them and got through eventually, though it was a long time ago. Keep trying.

He can't legally take your baby away. He won't be granted residence.

Do as much as you can to prove what has happened.