Socials services forcing contact with ex

[WienerDiva]

Hello

I'm warning you now, this could be really long and I apologise but I don't want to drip feed.

Looking for some advice after trawling the Internet for hours and having one meeting with a solicitor who wouldn't answer the question.

So it's about my dp.

His son with his ex wife (lives 180 miles away) has behavioural problems and is having an ADHD assessment in a month.

In the meantime school contacted social services as they are concerned about his behaviour (violent outburst and inability to process negativity in an age appropriate yet acceptable manner).

The initial reason for the assessment was because dss told the school counsellor his dad smacked him. He didn't. He tapped him. I was there. Dss confirmed so when questioned by the social worker. Dp tapped his leg to get his attention. Dss lies. A lot.

However, with the smacking part dropped and no concerns in that respect, SS are concerned re his behaviour and have interviewed both parents and other care givers (dp's mum did child care a lot).

SS are insisting that dp and his ex "jointly parent".

This is impossible. This week she has been, on text, name calling, threatening withdrawal of dss to dp, lying to dss and dp. All on text and on the phone (the calls have been recorded).

Dp has done none of these things. He is meticulous about not doing so as he does not want to be seen to he not co-operating.

Dp is a good dad, he sees dss every other weekend and is always calm, they do nice activities and he will give consequences where appropriate (removal of screen time, no trip to the park etc).

My question is, how can SS insist he has contact with his ex when she is like this? He sends copies of the texts to the SW and the SW doesn't acknowledge them.

Feel a bit stuck. We are currently saving for our first paid solicitor's appointment but are stuck as to what to do in the meantime.

I'm assuming we have to go a long with SS child in need plan or can we say "it's clearly not me where the issue lies. I'll keep doing what I'm doing but you absolutely cannot make me have contact with a verbally abusive person"

Completely at a loss

TIA

Why is the boy meeting the (high) thresholds for a Child In Need?

I’d focus on this rather than on this as surely this is surely the key issue?

What can the father do to help his son? And what is going to hinder the other adults around the child’s efforts to get this child’s life stable and get his needs met consistently? By ‘other adults’ I include social services and the assigned social worker in that.

They need to be on the same consistent page. It doesn’t mean meeting up etc. just co parenting effectively.

Does DH spoil him? Do they have the same consequences? Use the same language?

Mums angry about something and he needs to find out why!

He is classed as a child in need due to his behaviours.

Violent outbursts and his behaviour. The social workers have said it is due to the fact that the parents aren't jointly parenting him that's causing the issue.

My dp has tried everything to do so.

Sometimes it works. When she is getting her way. But as soon as she isn't it turns back to her calling dp in front of their son and screaming blue murder at everyone.

For example. Last week she asked for her maintenance a week early to take their son out for the day. Dp didn't have it in his account so said no and politely explained.

He then got abuse from her.

Later on he told I would transfer some to her. She said no and went ballistic and sent him messages with swearing, threats and abuse. My dp didn't respond to these.

When he spoke to his son a couple of days later after there had been a violent incident at school, when dp asked him what his weekend plans were he said "nothing because mum said you're refusing to put money in her account"

She then got hold of the phone and started screaming at dp.

It's an absolute circus that we can't seem to get right.

As for being on the same page parenting they aren't.

Dss got hit in the mouth on Friday after admitting to winding up the other lad. When dss got home he was angry and started punching and kicking the walls and windows.

When talking to him about it his mother kept interrupting saying "but you're a good boy, we'll just forget it and then social services will go away"

My dp was trying to explain that yes although he got hit, he shouldn't have wound the other child up and he definitely shouldn't be punching the walls etc.

But no consequences given for any poor behaviour.

*He is classed as a child in need due to his behaviours.

Violent outbursts and his behaviour. The social workers have said it is due to the fact that the parents aren't jointly parenting him that's causing the issue.*

So according to SS, their failure to parent him effectively as co-parents has made him a child in need. Would your partner agree?

In my experience, SS aren't going to want to get involved in the drama between DP and his ex, they will expect them to find a way to parent effectively together. Have DP and his ex tried using a third party to communicate? Is the contact and maintenance through a court order?

Sorry I'm trying to answer points and not drip feed whilst rushing around.

Dp doesn't spoil him a lot (finances hinder that a bit) but does a lot of "enriching" activities that SS have asked both parents to carry out.

The mother does none.

She has stated so in her messages to dp as she has decided where she has dss most of the time it's up to dp to do.

Also, they have been told that he needs to embark on a hobby. She's refusing to take him to any as she "does enough" apparently.

Dss did have a go at football but didn't like it so dp is looking at taking him rock climbing this weekend. Unfortunately all the things he would like are after school during the week.

Thanks @AnchorDownDeepBreath

Yes he would agree which is why he has changed his approach entirely.

As for a third party, because she told SS there was domestic violence (there was none. The SS are carrying out agency checks to verify) the solicitor told us that mediation wouldn't be appropriate.

She also said that she wouldn't agree to go anyway.

Is the concern here that his behaviour is related to her being unstable?

The child in need assessment states that it's the disjointed parenting that is causing dss to have poor behaviour and that both parents have to "jointly parent".

There are other minor factors too such as, not being at home much (staying with dp's mum when his mother worked), also being assessed for ADHD in a couple of weeks. Although SS don't think this is the case.

Dp says when he was with his ex wife he wasn't allowed to parent. It was her way or they would end up arguing which is why he left the marriage. Her controlling of him and the boys was horrendous apparently.

She seems to have a very impulsive knee jerk reaction to things.

When she found out me and dp were together she said in a message to him that if I ever showed my face she'd "smash it in". It's like playing chess with a pigeon dealing with her.

From what you are writing, it would seem like your OP is super dad and a model parent whilst his mum is mental and a dreadful parent. If it was so, as would have maybe suggested he moved in with his dad, but instead, they have picked up on significant enough parenting to affect the child behaviour. This is much more likely to mean that they are more concerned about winding each other up than thinking of the welfare of their child. The fact they can't even be civil enough to go to mediation days it all.

Nothing much to advice if each are going to stick to thinking they are the best parent and the other is a detriment to the child.

Dss doesn't want to live with us. We aren't even in the same county and it would mean him being away from his family and friends etc.

No dp isn't s model parent. No one is. But he is a damn sight better than her.

She has been abhorrent to him. If dp was the male in regards to their communications I don't doubt that we would all be saying that it needs to go through courts etc. But it costs money we need to save up for in the interim.