Parental alienation advice needed, please help

[Sophilicious]

Hi, I’m desperately searching for some help and advice regarding parental alienation. It’s an unusual case as it’s my XH alienating my children from me. I’ve googled but nothing comes up on how to fight it or prevent it. My 12 yo DD has left to live with him, for 2 weeks now, barely any contact and I’ve just gone through some messages on my 2nd DD phone (10) and he’s pushing her to do the same. I’m so heartbroken about my eldest and desperate to stop him alienating my other 2 girls. Whilst also having to maintain normality for them and having no idea where to turn. Please help me 😢

Depending on what the texts say, you could do with speaking to a solicitor. There may be grounds to apply to the court for a prohibited steps order, or for contact just to be supervised. Parental alienation can be very damaging.

I can’t stress this enough - you need an experienced family law solicitor who understands parental alienation. Shop around until you find one - but fast!

Thank you, what type of solicitor would be best, is there ones that specialise in PA? As the children are growing older and their opinions would be listened to, I don’t want to make the mistake of going to court and then losing them. I’m so frightened x

Sorry x post @Megs4x3 thank you. Should I just call round local firms do you think?

I'm sorry, @Sophilicious, I went off to bed.

Can you tell me where you are in the country, roughly and I may have a recommendation for you? Call round local firms by all means but talk to a lawyer, not just the receptionist and see what you think about what they are telling you. If they clearly know what you are talking about, be guided by that, but if they just give you a vague 'oh yes, we do family law and I've heard of Parental Alienation,' run a mile. Not all lawyers accept that it exists and even fewer have experience of dealing with an alienating parent. It's the lawyer that's important not the firm, but the bigger firms have more lawyers with more experience. Unfortunately, the person I would have recommended retired last year.

The authorities, for the most part, don't accept it either. I'm not trying to frighten you, just help you get the best possible representation. It doesn't need to be someone on your doorstep if you're rural. Most lawyers will travel; you need someone city-based as that's where the experience is gained, if you see what I mean.

'PAMPA - Parental Alienation Member of Parliament Awareness' is a closed group on Facebook if you are on there. It's a closed group but ask to join and you'll get lots of help and support. It's primary function is to raise this issue in parliament and the commitment to join is to write a letter to your MP about this but there is a template letter to help you and masses and masses of information that you can read and use when you are trying to get the authorities/lawyers etc to understand what is happening to your children.

I'll pop back here again later today and if you can tell me where you are roughly, as I said I'll see if I can come up with a recommendation or two for you. Shop around until you are happy with the person you choose to represent you. Confidence in them is as important as their experience.

There is also 'Pathogenic Parenting Global Targeted Parents Support Group'. It's also a closed group and US based but it is a place to get support and recognition that you 're not alone in this situation and there are others if you look for them. Support is something that you may feel you need, or not, but it's there if you want it. Do talk to friends and family about things if you can and don't be afraid to ask for your help from your GP if you need it. Your mental health is as important as anything else and needs looking after.

Hang in there. This is a horrible situation to be in but all is not lost.

Thank you again @Megs4x3 that’s so helpful and kind of you. I’m in Essex.

He has sent me some more messages today saying this all needs to be finalised soon, he has contacted csm to remove her from my claim, whilst saying he will claim against me (not out right he’s cleverer than that) if I don’t hurry up and end the claim completely. I only went to them 3 years after we separated as he wouldn’t support them financially fairly.

He is saying I’ve done this by not listening to her previously. But we’ve only gone up to the 6 nights out of 14 since the beginning of the year at his request, they all said they wanted to but now I’m starting to see he may have manipulated them into it.

I’m so scared of losing them.

What children say they want isn't always in their best interests, and while they will ask the 12 year old what she wants, they should also ask her why she wants it. The younger ones are different because they are younger but please, take screenshots of what you see on your children's phones and save them as evidence.

Your ex is clearly a bully if he is saying 'do this or else' but please try not to be intimidated by him into doing things you don't want to do. That said, it's important to stay as many steps ahead of him as you can. What your girls have to say to you about why they want these changes is important too and they may be feeling very disloyal whatever they say to either of you.

I'm sorry I don't know legal people as far south as you are but this might help - solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/ Call as many as you can find and compare what they each tell you so that you are making an informed choice.

I'm no expert on any of this, just a stranger with some life experience trying to help a stranger, but do remember that you employ a lawyer, not the other way round. When you talk to them it can help to have a list of questions ready so that you don't forget anything you want to ask, and they are NOT doing you a favour by taking your case. :-) Be as sure as you can be that they know what they are talking about and that you are comfortable with and trust them. Unfortunately there is no legal aid for family matters any more unless domestic violence is involved, so it's ok to be completely upfront about costs and what they will and won't do. Some lawyers are more willing than others to tell you what needs to be done in terms of starting court proceedings as opposed to insisting on doing it all for you for example.

Do you have anything in place, legally, regarding residency or financial support at the moment? And is CSM the child support agency? If the they are involved you can call them and tell them what is going on so that they don't just do things on his say so while the children officially live with you. I'm just wondering if he is trying to tell them that the older girl needs to come off your claim as she is now living with him. You need to nip that in the bud and set them straight.

I understand that the thought of losing your children is terrifying, and no contact while your daughter has been with him is equally so, but please keep calm if you can, and get your ducks in a row so that you can beat him at his own game. Unfortunately, children approaching teenaged years especially, can be easily manipulated and it's a tough time even when parents are together, but there's every prospect that you will weather the storms, there really is. :-)

I recommend you contact familyattachmentconsultants.com/ for advice.

Additionally, I have another contact who I'd recommend but I wont post his details here. You can PM me.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I have ongoing issues with my ex and am working hard every day to combat the lies he tells. Only time will tell as to whether the kids eventually believe him or they see through his strategies. You need to love them fiercely so that they can feel that love in everything you do, but you also need to educate them about manipulation and coercive control. You need to help them understand that they are separate people from both of their parents and just because they love someone, doesnt mean they have to agree with everything they say and do.

Talk to them calmly. If your daughter not returning home is in breach of an existing Child Arrangements Order, I would be heading to court immediately to get her returned. The longer she is away from you, the more chance you have that she will not return.

I wanted to add that I have had mixed experience with CAFCASS but they are getting better at recognising the signs of parental alienation. It's all about presenting your case carefully.

Check out 'from surviving to thriving' on youtube. She has lots of videos about dealing with narcissist in court. People that do this tend to have a personality disorder of some kind. Hope that's helpful too.

Thanks again @Megs4x3 And thank you too @EmmaStar1

I have been really struggling emotionally over the last few days so tried to step away from the practicalities. Hopefully now I’ve cried so much I can pull myself together and decide how to fight. Just feel like he’s always one step ahead of me 😞

I definitely think he is a narcissist. This is all about him and not our daughter. I also worry that if he doesn’t win this, the next level up to hurt me is to actually hurt them, while I’ve never thought he would actually physically harm them before I feel like that would be the next ramp up.

I’m going to try to gather as much advice as I can from various solicitors and places like here. Knowing I’m not alone does help, although makes me sad that other people are going/have been through this too.

I feel I need to take this court (having never done it before) mainly to show my daughters that I will fight for them, even if I don’t win. When they are adults I want to be able to show them I did my very best x

I think court is your only option. Move fast, though. And talk to your other daughters about what is happening. Buy the book Divorce Poison. It has excellent strategies and explanations about how to respond to the badmouthing and brainwashing. I wish you luck. It's an uphill struggle and I haven't yet seen an end to it. I think the only time it goes away is when the kids are old enough to stand up to it, providing they come out of the younger years with enough individual thought to do so.

I went through it years ago, with several children and varying results. That is why I'm not pretending to offer current experience, though sadly, I know plenty of people who have been through it since. Things and systems have changed since then, I know. I do agree with Emma that Court is the only/best option so that you get what is supposed to happen down in black and white and you can stick to it as a boundary for your Ex. I took a look at Divorce Poison and wish it had been around when I needed it.

I fully understand the need to fight to show your daughter that you fought for them no matter the outcome. That's important. It's an issue that's been present for years though and I think it's part of the human condition. It's sad and I wish you will.

Thank you I’ve just ordered that book to come tomorrow! I really feel like that will help me as I don’t know how to talk to them about this. I want to beg them not to leave me but I know that’s not healthy, so just avoiding it. Also know that’s not the right way too! Arghh so hard x

I'm going through something very similar, except my son is almost 18 and is being manipulated and coercively controlled by ExH. I don't know where I stand, he's a minor but turns 18 in 6 weeks. He's not a strong mature 17/18 year old though so is accepting everything his Dad tells him about me.

He moved out in April and I barely see him now. He's starting a job with his Dad in September. I have no say in anything he does anymore, he won't accept my advice, he tells me I do nothing for him. It's heartbreaking really.