Court ordered contact

[CrazyCatLady159]

Hi,

My dd is 7 - nearly 8
She has court ordered contact with her dad every other weekend which has now upped to every other weekend and one after school visit.

She has refused to go to a daytime contact session; she's locked herself in her bedroom

What do I do?! short of breaking the door down there's not much I can do - she's refusing to come out as she knows I'll be taking her to meet her dad.

I've emailed the social worker that has spoken to dd so it's been logged. I've also messaged her dad saying she's refusing to come out of her bedroom.

I'm now breaking a court order, yet I can't physically get into get dd and drag her out

Well as long as you can prove you have done all you can to facilitate contact there isn't much they can do. What has your dd told the sw about her wishes regarding contact ?

Could you tell her dad to come get her, provided there's no issues.
Could he collect her from school instead in future.

She's said she doesn't want to see him. Doesn't want to stay there and wants to live at home with me.

I'm so worried that they're going to remove her from my care and give her to him - yet they have never listened to what she says and now she's decided to not come out of her room. I've got another 3 months of this before we are back in court again ....

She was taken from a house with him due to domestic violence previously so there was a prohibited steps in place for 6 months and no contact

@greenwaterbottle
There is a prohibited steps order up stopping him coming to my home / the school.

He has been violent to me in the past

Could she write a note to him, copied to the sw stating her wishes?

Poor you two. It's very hard isn't it but I think you need to just be there for your daughter & try to be understanding and don't force her. You've done he right thing logging it. Keep a log of everything that happens as well and anything she mentions about her dad & how she feels about it.

@greenwaterbottle that's a good idea I'm going to ask her to do something so I can send it to the social worker.
She's also got previous work with her stating she doesn't want to go there so that adds weight to what she's saying.

I was able to bribe her into going on a Saturday - but now it's a Saturday / Sunday daytimes and a Tuesday after school it's becoming increasingly hard and she's finding ways to not go - locking herself in her room being one of them - and her dad is someone who thinks of himself and not our dd.

We have cafcass involved and are waiting on a guardian to do another report after speaking to our dd but that's not going to happen until at least middle August.

Just wanted to add my support. I am in the middle of a family court battle at the moment and my DD is almost 8. She does not want to see her father for various reasons I cannot disclose and it has been almost a year since she had contact with her dad.

You have had great advice and I agree, keep a log of everything and contact your CAFCASS contact to ask them for a further meeting with your DD so she can privately tell them her reasons.

I would add DO NOT get her to write a letter as it could be seen as you coaching / co-ercing her, which could go against you in the long run.

I read you have a PSO in place to stop him collecting her from school, but perhaps you could both meet in reception at school so she can see you happy and smiling, so she isn't affected by your own feelings (gosh I know it's hard!) then go off with her dad for the contact?

Teeth and tits out then a large G&T when you get home x

@lovegoodcoffee hey! Sorry you're in the same situation ....

I've been doing this since she was 11 months old.
Cafcass have been as helpful as a chocolate teapot previously - they're answer was to up her days / nights spent with him and she would eventually adjust that never happened .... can't disclose too much but she was taken by police from his care one time.
He's prevented from going to the school now as he's seen as a risk to the other children that attend the school, so can't meet him there.

It's a sitting and waiting game now until cafcass speak to dd and we go back to court - roughly 3 months time - so she has to see him a fair few times; which going by how it's been going; she's going to get worse.

@CrazyCatLady159 I can't talk about my own situation as we are in the middle of court battles right now, but all I can advise is what I will do if it ends up that we are in a similar situation and the court orders contact. You MUST make your child available for contact and although doing so will hurt my child as much as breaking every bone in her body, we HAVE to follow what the court has ordered otherwise we can end up in more trouble with the court for breaking an order.

DD has made it clear she does not want to see her Dad and I will be asking the court at our next hearing not to grant interim contact (I am self representing) until after CAFCASS have spoken to her. Has your DD spoken to CAFCASS?

Her Dad is a narcissistic abuser and it is a very long story... the courts so far have seen through his behaviour although we are at the start of what I assume will be a very lengthy court battle.

DO not talk negatively about her father to her. It doesn't matter how WE feel as the mum, it is about their relationship with their Dad. I know it's hard - I wait till she is in bed asleep and then phone my friends to talk about what a complete and utter he is xx

I am well supported by friends and family who I can talk to and this makes a difference. You can message me if you need someone to talk to xx

She had done previously. She had a guardian involved -they have now reappointed her; but the guardian hasnt spoke to dd as of yet.

The courts haven't seen through my ex yet .... they have ordered interim contact and we keep getting a different judge each time we are in court so there is no continuity at all.
The school can see what he is doing so they have said they can help dd when cafcass go and speak to them.

I never speak about her dad, if she wants to speak to me she knows she can but i never say his name because I don't want her picking up on my feelings.

I really think that courts need to place more emphasis on the child and their views instead of the view of "the parents have the right" what about the rights of the child ...

Ex is only doing this as it is his final piece of control over me
It's poor dd I feel sorry for as she's caught in the crossfire with no-one listening to her voice

It isn't about the rights of the parents. It is about the right of your child to have a relationship with her father. The courts will listen to what she wants but will be of the view that she is too young to understand the consequences of her choices. Her wishes are, therefore, not decisive. As she gets older her wishes will carry more weight.

Isn't it peculiar how the rights of children are so often reinterpreted as the rights of men who want or cba with their children.

Man wants contact but his children don't = child has the right to contact so must be forced to have it.

Children want contact but their father is a dead beat = father cannot be forced to see his children or pay maintenance...

If the child is old enough to understand the consequences of their choices they will not be forced to have contact. A 7 year old is not old enough so the courts have to choose. That doesn't always mean that the father gets contact. But the courts do believe that it is generally best for children if they have a relationship with both parents and there is plenty of research that supports this.

It is also worth pointing out that the outcome is the same where the mother is the NRP. If she applies for contact she will generally get it in some form. If she doesn't want contact she won't be forced to see her children.

@anothernotherone Exactly what you said.