Urgent advice needed - cannot get through to Rights of Women

[beingniceiscool11]

I am waiting for Legal Aid / legal Help to get an appointment with a solicitor but I need advice ASAP...

Ex wants me to agree various changes to CAO including a quite immediate response wanted about a holiday that he wants to book.
A lot of pressure on me from him over past couple of days with lots of text message and emails

He has been DA to me in the past and DV ... things not going well for DD with current CAO schedule either. Have tried to address with ex but he ignores and turns it around to be about him/me, ignoring DD’s needs or saying I’m lying about how she’s struggling.

Ex uses DA still continuing through CAO and through DD and matters to do with her - control, manipulation, psychological /power games & putting me down.
Co-parenting not going well at all and it’s making me ill with stress.

He has breached CAO multiple times and I would like to change the CAO as well for a couple of reasons as i have really tried it buts it’s not working for DD

He is emotionally abusive / physical to DD as well from what she says - has these outbursts and then is super nice the rest of them time. .. gaslights DD as well and talks negatively about me to her which upsets her and breaches CAO but no evidence apart from DD saying to me .

Teachers and SS concerned but doesn’t meet their threshold and they both say it’s my job to bring it to court. He charmed Cafcass before and they sided with what he wanted.

Do I agree to the holiday even in spite of my concerns ? Or take matter to court? To prevent CAO and co-parenting being used by him as abusive tools. And avoid DD being emotionally harmed ?
DD also has special needs (diagnosed) but her Dad denies them, blames them on me & puts her down about them telling her she’s pretending

Hi,

Whatever you agree or refuse, set it out in an email so that you have a record. Always behave reasonably and be prepared to explain your decision. (Think about how you'll feel if you have to explain your behaviour to a judge at a later date and make sure that you are behaving reasonably and in the best interests of your child).

If you don't want to agree to his request and there is no obligation in the order for you to agree it, make this clear in your email and show why your decision is reasonable. (E.g. "this holiday conflicts with arrangements we've made on those dates already, which can't be cancelled." or "I'm keen to maintain consistent contact arrangements so that our child has some certainty and I feel that such holiday is too much of a change to their routine at this age..." or "as there are some ongoing safeguarding concerns, it doesn't seem to be in our child's best interests to accompany you on such holiday at this time and I'm not comfortable for them to do so."

After a particularly horrible incident with my ex, my little one insisted that she didn't want to go to his. She became more comfortable about it after a few months. But during those few months when she was upset, I chose not to force her to go and explained this to ex in an email. The legal advice I received was: you are her mother, you know when something is totally unacceptable and you do what you have to do to protect her and her best interests.
Throughout this time, I endeavoured to reestablish contact gradually. I know that I behaved reasonably and in my child's best interests. It's not all about the father's 'rights.'

If you agree to what your ex is asking, I don't think that a one-off agreement to vary from the CAO will set a precedent going forward. But make it clear in your email that this a one-off (e.g. I am agreeing to this as a one-off and after this it will be in the best interests of our child to return to the contact arrangements ordered).

(I've just skimmed thru your post so, apologies if I've misunderstood anything! but I didnt want you to feel alone here. I know how hard it is to get through to Rights of Women!!!!!And, hopefully, someone with some proper advice will be along soon)

Hope that helps!

@NooNooMummy thank you so much for your reply, it is so helpful !

In the court order it says “half the holidays - parents to agree how this is split”

We can’t agree, he is pushing me to agree this specific holiday ASAP as he wants to book NOW. and there is a bigger issue to address ie. safeguarding issues and breaches of the court order that I would like to address, as well as me wanting to vary the child arrangements order anyway to suit our DD needs better. I believe he is not meeting her needs or putting her first. As well as using co-parenting as continuing abuse & manipulation to me.

This is why I don’t feel the holiday at this time is a good idea. He could still take her for a lovely trip in UK over a long weekend as things stand. But he wants what he wants, and he wants it exactly.