Panicking about domestic abuse and police

[Theworldcouldbemymollusc]

I’ve just fled an abusive marriage that my stbxh flat out denied the abuse. I had to report to the police as I was worried about his reaction to us leaving. Now the police want to talk to me and possibly him. I’m panicking that this could spiral and they might arrest him which would make things worse for me and the kids. Can I say no?

You can say no but there is a a huge risk that he will get away with what he's done then you will no longer be protected by police. Although you need to speak to the police they will not make you speak in the same room as him. Make a statement at home or at the police station and gather any evidence that you have supporting your case. It's very hard to get over something like this but if you're strong for yourself and your family this won't happen to you or anyone else again. Good luck xx

Just to be clear. I have reported it and have 2 different incident numbers - they now want a statement. My head is so jumbled up after 13 years of abuse/gaslighting I don’t think I’m robust enough to even know what to talk about. Also I think that it will massively increase the risk to me and dcs as it will infuriate/antagonise him further

I echo what BobThe Duvet says - please don’t make the same mistake as I did and now my DD has to go to her abusive Dad 3 nights a week. She has come back saying he’s hurt her or shouted at her and frightened her. I know he is doing the same to her as he did to me and that it will probably escalate or she will be damaged by it.. but social services, police and Cafcass have done nothing because he seems really nice to them.. and there’s no record officially of any domestic abuse because I didn’t report to police at the time as I was too scared what the consequences would be for him...
Wish I had not been scared and let the professionals do their job and protect us when his abuse was really obvious ! Now he can fly under the radar. And my DD suffers.
I was in exact same place as you 4 years ago. Me and DD still suffering. And I’m forced to try and co-parent with him. Ruining my life.

Please follow through with getting a conviction as it will be on record and will protect you and your kids in future should you need it. A lot of abusers use same tactics to control and frighten kids - May stay out mild but will escalate. This is just how they deal wit people not doing what they want / how they deal with stress / how they get their own way. And he won’t change.

He probably wouldn’t get prison time. But this needs to be on record. Please do the scary thing & be brave, you can do this.

Don’t worry about infuriating / antagonising him further - do you want to live like that the rest of your life? Because if you don’t use this opportunity to speak out now, you will still be living under his control even though you’re away from him. Eventually he will use the kids to get at you etc etc. No one takes you seriously if you don’t have police involvement and record. What you’ve been through needs to be acknowledged and brought to light. Stand strong for your kids sake. He’s being “watched” now by police so any reaction he has - that will be documented as well. The worst thing is when abusers go under the radar so as not to be seen... whilst he’s acting out now /l- get it seen by professionals and docnebted. You can also apply for a non-molestation order which gives you more protection - basically a legal doc saying he cannot harass you or threaten or be violent towards you. So it will deter him. Search Non-Molestation Order on Women’s Aid website to find out - it’s free to apply for this at the Family Court I think.
I know it’s scary but if you have professionals on your side to deal with it, it will be ok. Just stick to your truth - you know what is unacceptable to be treated like by someone who’s supposed to love you and what is not, deep down you know this. Write it al down to see in black and white be get it out of your head so you don’t feel so confused. Take care of yourself - rest and get as much distance away from speaking to him as possible so you can get perspective. Don’t get dragged into the games and gaslighting again.

Can you speak to Women’s Aid on phone. To get some support ? They will talk you through it and help you identify what is real/what is gaslighting & give you pep talk to be able to talk about it.

Okay just to clarify I do not need to co-parent with this man as they are my dc’s not his. I am grey rock at the moment as too emotional to respond do his texts.

Oh ok phew !! Sorry to assume !
Definitely continue greyrock , block him and do not respond to any texts.
Just calmly get a non-molestation order. I don’t think you e

Whoops posted too soon.. if you get it logged by police that’s good.
Just need to put some protection in place to stop him from coming to your house or work or kids schools - Non molestation order is a simple way of doing this I think.

You are so lucky you don’t have any kids with him ... stay strong with grey rock !!!!

Sending and stay strong

Very hard to grey rock at the mo. He is switching tactics all the time. He is telling everyone that I have cleared out the house and left him. It’s bullshit. I took less than half our stuff - he still has 4 sofas for God’s sake!!

Thank you. He is using a few different tactics and my defences are low. It’s so unfair that he is the abusive one yet he is painting me as mean. I just want him to leave me alone now. I’ve had enough of his bullshit and manipulation to last me a lifetime

No offence but wth did you think the police would do. You’ve reported a crime. Of course they want to investigate it. And this I don’t want to make a statement because it will be bad for the kids is rubbish. What will protect them and you best is you being strong enough to see a complaint through. If you’re worried about him coming back speak to the police about getting help with security etc but please please please don’t be one of those women that ends up being subjected to abuse over and over again with your kids suffering alongside you because you don’t stand up to him now