Hi all,
I apologise in advance as this will likely be long, but I don't want to drip feed and it's an unusual situation.
NB: All figures are for illustration purposes only
My Mum left her alcoholic, gas-lighting, emotionally abusive husband last summer, after nearly 20 years of marriage. He refuses to accept that the marriage is over and appears to be waiting for her to 'snap out of it' and return to the home they shared. She took a long time to work up the courage to leave but is now happier than she's been in years and is adamant that the relationship is over. I’ll call him Bob and my Mum Jane for ease.
When they met, Bob was single with no children, had no savings and was working in a MW job. He lived in a small flat, which he sold for a £1k profit when he moved into Jane’s house 23 years ago. He frittered away this small return. Jane was divorced (on friendly terms), had 2 adult children (19 year old away at University and 21 year old living in a nearby city with their partner), had been paying a mortgage since she was 18 and had £60k equity.
Bob and Jane married nearly 20 years ago, and Bob started training to be a Vicar, so they were provided a house to live in by the Church. Homes provided to Vicars (and those in training) are rent free, but the occupant is responsible for the day to day bills (such as council tax, electricity, gas etc.) and the Church pays all maintenance (and even redecorating) costs. The Church will continue to provide a home for Bob until he dies (as long as he remains a Vicar - it is normal for Vicars to live in a Church ‘House for Duty’ until their death). Bob receives a good salary and has 16 years until retirement, when he will receive a decent pension.
Jane has worked since the age of 18, in a professional career. She was Medically Retired 22 years ago and received a £30k lump sum from her pension, from which she gave each of her 2 children £5k. She has been able to qualify in a less demanding version of her previous role and so has been able to carry on working - although she is older than Bob so now only works part time, she also receives her monthly private pension, which tops up her earnings to a full time wage. She has 5 years left until retirement.
As they had a Church house to live in, Jane decided to sell her own house and Jane and Bob purchased a 3 bedroom house together (“Rental House”), which they planned to rent out with the intention that the rent would cover the mortgage cost. Jane used her £60k equity from the sale of her house and the remaining £20k from her Private Pension lump sum as the only deposit. Jane organised a local Rental Agent to manage the property and it was rented out successfully.
Bob’s Father died 17 years ago, and his Mother received a large Life Insurance pay out, his pension and a lump sum from the same. Over the years, she has gifted around £20k to her son, which he has mainly spent on cars and alcohol, but Bob has never received an official inheritance to date. When Bob’s Mother dies, her Estate will be split 50/50 with half going to Bob and half to his sibling. Bob’s Mother has estimated in the past that he will receive around £200k when she dies – obviously we have no idea of how accurate this figure will be when the time comes.
Jane’s Parents died in quick succession, 15 years ago. Jane received an inheritance of £20k from her parent’s estate. Shortly after this, Jane’s younger child moved to a new city to continue her studies and Jane decided to use her £20k inheritance from her parents as a deposit on buying a flat (“Rental Flat”) there for her daughter to live in - rent free - for the duration of her studying for this qualification. The purchase was again in the joint names of both Jane and Bob. The mortgage on this property was initially paid from Bob and Jane’s Joint Bank Account. After a year, Jane’s daughter had finished studying and started working, so started to pay rent (into Bob and Jane’s Joint Account), which covered the cost of the mortgage. When Jane’s daughter moved out of the Rental Flat, Jane organised a local Rental Agent to manage the property and it was rented out successfully.
Over the last 15 years Bob’s behaviour has become a stream of coercive control, anger, sulking, emotional abuse, gas-lighting, isolating, cruelty, disrespect, ‘punishment’, selfishness, criticism and lies, plus around 30 units of alcohol every day. To the outside, he is a Vicar with a somewhat charming exterior, but it hides a psychopathic, racist, homophobic, misogynist monster.
Now she’s found the courage and left him, Jane simply “wants what’s hers” so that she can buy a one bedroom flat in the city she’s now living in, near to her eldest child and grandchildren. Jane would like the following; £100k deposits she paid on the two Rental Properties and half of the profit from the sale of both of these. She has taken some furniture from their Church home (the contents of the house all belong to Jane and Bob), but only enough to furnish the one bedroom flat she is currently renting. Bob has an entire 5 bedroom house full of decent furniture, which Jane does not intend to claim any more of.
Bob has refused to agree to this and has countered that they sell both rental properties and split all profits 50/50, ignoring the issue of who paid what deposits.
Logic tells me that Bob’s right, since they purchased the properties together as a married couple and made no special clauses regarding who is entitled to what in the event of a sale but Jane is coming to the end of her working life, having paid a mortgage since she was 18 and endured an abusive husband for the last 20 years and all she wants is enough money to buy somewhere to live. It doesn’t seem a lot to ask. If she gets what she’s asking for, it would be enough of a deposit so that she could get a small mortgage for a simple little one bedroom flat, which would be paid off to coincide with her retirement. If things go Bob’s way, Jane would not be able to afford to buy anywhere within the area where she has now settled and would struggle to pay rent once she has retired.
The only 2 things we can think of for Jane to use as 'bargaining chips' are:
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Jane has no intention of pursuing any claim on Bob’s future earnings, pensions or inheritances, although she would be interested to hear whether this is even a realistic possibility, in the case where he still refuses her request?
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Jane doesn’t mind if Bob wants to stay married rather than go through the process of divorcing - It is difficult for a Vicar to divorce, it opens a very intrusive can of worms which can include a panel of people from the Church interviewing the couple, their friends and family as well as various members of the congregation; it’s a very uncomfortable and invasive process and Bob would be terrified of what they might uncover. But Jane has already reverted to her maiden name and will not be going back to using Bob's surname in any situation. Again, Jane would be happy to go the other way and divorce him for unreasonable behaviour, citing his alcoholism and his refusal to address it and to detail the abuses she has suffered at his hands in the divorce papers and to make herself available for a 'Divorce Interview' with a Church panel (where she would be entirely honest) - the consequences of which will certainly at least be that Bob has to enter and complete an in-patient Alcohol Rehabilitation Programme and could quite possibly even mean the end of his career (and therefore, also the Church house that comes with the job), if he refuses to agree to her request.
Can anyone offer some advice for Jane please? Does she stand a chance?
Thank you for reading if you made it to the end!