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Legal matters

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Refusing to handover when we have a child arrangements order

9 replies

Avala2019 · 16/06/2019 11:38

Long story which I will try to summarise. My ex DH is about as toxic as you can get. We have a child arrangements order under which he sees DSs, 11 and 9, basically 1 night per week for 2 weeks and 1 full weekend per month (I get the other weekend). I have long been concerned about how his partner is treating the boys when they spend time at my exes. Over the last few months they have made various complaints about her, saying she pinches, kicks them as well as insults them. I have previously tried to address this by asking my ex to deal with it but he has done nothing. He ignores my messages or when I ask him in person (walks off), refusing to acknowledge what she is accused of. The situation has come to a head in the last few weeks. The last but one visit she called DS, 11, a "massive turd". I asked my ex about this and was ignored. I allowed the kids to go again last weekend and DS came back saying she had said that he was "really unattractive". DS said my ex heard this and asked her to apologise, in response to which she put on a sarcastic voice and taunted DS. I am furious just writing this. I asked my ex about this via text and he point blank refused to acknowledge it. I texted back, I want assurances that DSs will be treated properly when with you, not abused etc. He refused to provide ANY assurances, became abusive via text, so I blocked him. He said he is now going to make an application to court as I am in breach of the order. I've been trying to get hold of my solicitor all weekend but to no avail. Also to add, he was actually supposed to take the boys on Friday not Saturday night this weekend but I had agreed to swap. Can I be in breach if I didn't hand them over on a day he wasn't actually entitled to have them? I plan to make an application next week to try vary the child arrangements order to address the issues with his ex. Wanted advice on what trouble I could be in though for not handing them over.

OP posts:
Lemonmeringue33 · 16/06/2019 13:32

Until the courts vary your child arrangement order you need to stick to the letter of that order.

If you agreed to a Saturday handover in lieu of the usual Friday handover but then refused to hand the children over you were in breach of the arrangement.

Your ex would however need to be able to demonstrate that you agreed to it. How was the changed arrangement made? Orally or in writing (including texts)? If in writing he will have no difficulty showing that you were in breach of the order.

In the meantime, I would start a written log of the allegations the children are making against his partner. Also record and retain any texts, e mails between you and your ex etc which suggest that these allegations are true.

Avala2019 · 16/06/2019 13:52

Ok Lemon, so what recourse will he have now?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 16/06/2019 13:57

I stopped access to my ex as my son said he assaulted him. I was not prepared to allow my son to be abused. I took him back to court. My son spoke to social services and my ex lost visiting rights permanently.

CodenameVillanelle · 16/06/2019 13:57

He can apply to court to enforce the order just as you can apply to vary it. Refusing one contact isn't great but it's not a pattern so make sure you get your application in tomorrow and an urgent hearing.
It wasn't smart to withhold contact. When you're trying to deal with a situation like this you have to follow the rules.

RolyWatts · 16/06/2019 14:01

If you honestly believe that your child is being accused whilst at his dad's you should be reporting the abuse. If an adult physically hurt my child I would have contacted the police /social services. If you go to court without having taken steps to protect your child the courts may well regard it as you just being difficult. Good luck.

RolyWatts · 16/06/2019 14:02

Abused.... Not accused

bananasandwicheseveryday · 16/06/2019 21:50

If either of your children were to 'disclose'this to a member of staff at school, the staff member would be obliged to raise a cp report. The safeguarding lead would then deal with it. Every disclosure would require a new cp report. The more reports there are, the more likely it will end up being passed upwards as it shows a pattern of abuse.

Avala2019 · 18/06/2019 00:08

Thanks all. It is more the emotional/verbal abuse than physical abuse I am worried about. I know technically i am in breach but so hard to hand them over knowing this woman is going to be horrid to them. I really don't want to get SS involved or raise safeguarding issues at school as who knows where that could lead. Just want this person to stop abusing them.

OP posts:
Collaborate · 18/06/2019 07:41

Get it back to court ASAP for a variation application.

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