Child custody arrangements

[Turnitaroundagain]

What are normal child custody arrangements? My friend is being cajoled into a 50/50 arrangement by her lawyer. She’s trialed it for the last few months and her child is suffering emotionally because of the disruption and it’s not a normal straightforward separation either. Her ex is already with someone new and has a new “family”. She wants the traditional weekend on weekend off and wednesdays with the father. Is this unrealistic?

Impossible to say based on what you’ve written.

HER lawyer persuaded her to agree to this? Sounds like she needs a new lawyer

Sounds like she needs a new lawyer

Or maybe the lawyer knows this is the best possible outcome for the client?

She wants the traditional weekend on weekend off and wednesdays with the father. Is this unrealistic?

The child could live with the dad and the mum have contact every other weekend and Wednesday. Is that realistic?

All depends on a wide variety of factors. How old is the child?

Child is 8. Dad works a lot and mum doesn’t have commitments, she has an income though.
@yetanotheruser your comment isn’t really helpful. I’m asking if 50/50 is the norm.obviously if the child would be better off because of circumstances being with the dad for the majority then he would.

The thing is, there isn't really a "normal". What works for one set of separated parents can be completely out of the question for another.

Shared care of one sort or another is becoming increasingly common though, I know quite a few people (including myself) who have a 50/50 arrangement and it can work well. I wouldn't call it the "norm" however.

Can you say what factors are making trial of the last few months unsuccessful in the mum's view? Is there any trouble with things like getting the child to the school on time? Issues with sorting out clothing/uniform costs? Disagreements with who gets the child benefits/tax credits if applicable? Abusive/difficult behaviour from the ex making co-parenting difficult?

Unfortunately once an agreement like this has been in place for a while a court will only change it if there is evidenced harm to the child. A better option at this stage would be to attend child inclusive mediation and try and reach a compromise that puts the little girls needs first.

What is it about the arrangement that is upsetting the child? Is it really the child who is upset or is it mum who is upset?

Mums upset because the child comes back crying every time after he’s stayed with his dad. The child is confused and doesn’t like seeing his dad demonstrating affection with his new girlfriend. I can’t give you masses of details because it’s not appropriate. I always thought “the usual” was for the mum to get the majority of the custody and dad weekends and holidays whatever has been agreed.

I do understand that sometimes 50/50 works especially when both parents are in agreement. But my friend has kind of been bullied into it and never actually agreed that it was best.

I just really want to help her because as a mum myself seeing her go through this is awful and I have no personal experience of it.

The 'usual' would be to start with the assumption of 50/50 and then modifying it if there were reasons why it cannot or should not work like that.

What she describes as causing her DC difficulty right now, would not be ameliorated by reducing time with his father.

If she thinks it is in her DC's interest to have more time in one home, perhaps she should suggest that and explain the reasons. And be ready to agree for that to happen at the father's house (as she is the one who thinks EOW and one night a week is a sufficient amount of time with one's child, so she can be the one to have it)

(Agree, btw, that introducing a new partner early on is a bad thing. But seeing as it has happened, then I think the best thing is to help the child deal with it, not try to edit it out)

It's not up to your friend to unilaterally decide what's best for the child. It's a decision that BOTH parents need to come to.

"usual" is a totally irrelevant concept in this discussion.

You have to bear in mind that it's quite possible that the child comes back crying when he returns back to his Dads from his mothers so that confusion works both ways. It's up to both parents to manage this in their sons best interest. It's also very normal for someone to show affection to their partner. If your friend had a new partner wouldn't she show affection to him? Surely showing affection to a partner a very healthy thing for a child to see?

I'm genuinely not trying to be goady. If she doesn't like the arrangement as it stands then the best thing she can do is to request formal mediation with her son's Dad. Then they can talk through the various options and see if there is a better arrangment which suits everyone, especially the child.

I thought it was whatever was in the child's best interests. So 50/50 is a starting point but that courts try to maintain the status quo where possible so if one parent does the majority of the child care pre split, the child will reside primarily with that parent. Simply to avoid too many changes of routine. And that would be the case whether it was the Dad or Mum who was doing the majority of childcare.

I'd advise your friend to speak to a new solicitor as 50/50 is certainly not what my friend's solicitor told her was reasonable in her case (may be due to specifics of each case but it certainly sounds like it's worth looking at).

If you can't give details because it's 'not appropriate', how do you expect anyone to give a valid view?

Your (friend's) solicitor has the full details of your case, including information (quite likely) from the CAFCASS report/safeguarding letters etc., so is clearly in the best position to advise you (her client) on the likely outcome the court may reach. The solicitor clearly thinks 50/50 is the likely outcome, but this does not mean that you (your friend) have to agree with it and you can set out in your position statement that you think it is in the child's best interests to have every other weekend and a day in the alternate week.

Remember, the court is only interested in what is in the child's best interests, not what suits the parents best. If they want to do what suits them best, they should not have involved the courts.

It might work both ways for all your friend knows DC could be crying every time he gets to Dads about being at his mums and missing mum.
I think 8 is a difficult age, they aren’t young kids anymore but don’t understand enough of what’s going on in the world.
You refer to the “traditional” agreement, this doesn’t exist anymore. Parenting involves both parents not just a mum with contact every other weekend.
Is your friend positive about Dc going to dads? Or is she hung up on the fact that he’s met someone new?

About missing dad when at mums it should read

Thank you so much I really appreciate all your responses (even the goady one!). The child is actually close to his dad there’s no question about that. But there is a massive disruption to his life with all the moving around which anyone would find difficult because there is quite a distance involved as well. So youve helped a lot it’s so great to get such a good range of perspectives 😊🙏