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Original poster

Is this a reasonable request?

27 replies

Bobty123 · 17/05/2019 22:28

So me and my ex split up October of 2017 and every now and then she will try and use kids as weapon against me to get her own way.

Just a couple of weeks ago she turned up at my house when i had the kids, still drunk from night previous, saying she was taking the kids home, all because we had been arguing about me going to a friends wedding which fell on a weekend which is when i am supposed to have the kids.

I have had my kids every single weekend since we split unless has not allowed me to, i have never refused to have them, i asked about this 1 weekend to go see a friend get married and WW3 happened.

When she took the kids she was screaming at me that i would never see the kids again until i got an agreement written up and signed, so i did. I got an agreement written up and asked her to have a look to see if she was ok with it and get back to me with anything that she wasn't happy with.

One thing i asked for was for every 5 days i book off of work to have the kids, i asked her to allow me to have the option to have 1 day of a weekend. So i would book with her in advance a day on a weekend i wanted for myself and that would be 4 times a year. 4 days in a year. I have already booked off 21 days of holidays to have off with the kids.

I work sometimes over 50 hours in a week, friday finish work, home, change, pick kids up and then i would drop them off 7PM on a sunday, then back to work 5am Monday morning. She doesn't work.

So am i being unreasonable in asking for 1 day for me for every 5 days i book off of work?? And please, truthful answers.

She is now also refusing to allow me to take them away on holiday next year, gave me a range of reasons and excuses which kept changing. Would i be in the wrong in taking her to court to challenge this? Says because she has them more days than me that she decides what does and doesnt happen even though were both on birth cert.

Thanks

OP posts:
carly2803 · 17/05/2019 22:56

Think im being thick here

So you want a weekend day to yourself every week? or have i read that completely wrong?

It isnt wrong to want time to yourself at all, its normal and healthy - why does she not work?

Would it not be easier say having the kids midweek for an evening and returning them home and 1 weekend day?

Then she gets a break, as do you?

Original poster
Bobty123 · 17/05/2019 23:26

thanks for your reply and sorry but you got it wrong :)

I was asking her for every 5 days i book off of work to have the kids that will give me 1 day. So i have booked 21 days off of work over the next year to have the kids during holidays giving me 4 days to use throughout the year.... 4 days to myself over the year.

I enjoy fishing but i havent been once since we split near 2 years ago as i have had the kids every weekend. I enjoy going the football but havent been on the weekend. I enjoy going to concerts but i have missed a few as they fell on weekends.

Everytime i ask about anything i want to do that happens to fall on a weekend its always the same response ... ' you dont care about your kids, you dont love your kids' ... 'your picking fishing over your kids, your picking a concert over your kids'

I dont want to do it but the only option i feel i have is to speak to a solicitor to have an agreement written up and sent to her detailing what im asking for. But what can really happen? Could it go to court ? And they see it as a reasonable request and grant it?

Same for taking kids on holiday... could i go to court for that? And have that granted?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobty123 · 17/05/2019 23:29

and i've also suggested to her that if i did have 1 day for weekend, i would happily pick children up during the week... i would happily do that anyway but she wont let me.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 17/05/2019 23:34

Go through court. She is playing games with you.

Original poster
Bobty123 · 17/05/2019 23:45

Thanks Pixie... im just worried about how much it will all cost me... any idea?

OP posts:
carly2803 · 17/05/2019 23:46

Thought i misunderstood that!

Your well within your rights to have your own time - what happens if you meet someone else, have more kids etc - (not saying you will abandon your firsts!! but you get me!)

Shes messing with you - either give her one more chance and drop into it about court, or go to court straight off.

women like this give the rest of us a bad name in court.

Original poster
Bobty123 · 17/05/2019 23:55

i have met someone else, she knows that, the kids like her, they ask about her being here all the time. And even asked about wanting her to go on the holiday with us. I know this is why shes being the way she is.

Ive argued with her for so long about this. I want my kids every weekend, im only asking for 4 days throughout the year so i can do something for myself. She also just tells me to use my holidays and take the time off during the weekdays when i dont have the kids.. but i would much rather keep them days to take off to have more time for when the kids are off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobty123 · 18/05/2019 00:05

I've also told her today about court. I advised her to get some advice herself about what im asking for (1 day for 5 days booked off so 4 days total) and about her refusing to let me take the kids away on a holiday thinking she has complete rights to them and then come back to me about if she wants me to fight it through court or settle between us.

She just told me to go through court.

I do understand slightly with regards to the holiday as one of our children suffers from a condition that can effect his heart and back, ive asked if when he has his next check up i can also attend and ask the doctors what they think about him traveling and wether they think it could cause complications and if they do then i wont take him, if they both agree he would be fine to fly then i want to take them.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 18/05/2019 00:05

I think you need to be a lot more clear. I didn't really understand what you meant.

Whilst it would be great to have a parenting relationship where you can be flexible with days, you aren't going to have that with this person, so you need to be very, very, clear on what days each person has.

Perhaps you would be better moving to a every second weekend system, with some nights during the week. Alternatively, just have them every weekend, and when you want to do something, arrange babysitting, sleepovers, etc, just like people in a couple, or a single parent without another parent in their lives does.

VimFuego101 · 18/05/2019 00:07

I'm not clear on what the 'one day for 5 days booked off' means. You booking days off has nothing to do with her.

Original poster
Bobty123 · 18/05/2019 00:09

Thanks midnite.

But i want my kids every weekend not every other. Alls i am asking is for 4 single days throughout the year of a weekend i would like for myself, can book with her to make sure she also doesn't have plans.. Like i explained, im working over 50hours during the week and then having the kids every weekend, i never get time to do something for myself or to just relax.

And as for babysitting... that's not allowed. She won't allow any grandparent to babysit. She accused me of palming off my children when i suggested that, said i didnt want the responsibility of bringing my children up and wanted the grandparents to do it... It has to be either me or her that has the children.

For everything its either her way or no way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobty123 · 18/05/2019 00:13

Vim... So during school holidays i am booking time off to spend with the children.

i've asked her that when i do this she gets a break as i then have the kids for 10 days (fri through full week to next sunday) so she gets this break... meanwhile i get none.

So i asked if for when i use 5 days of my work holidays, that allows me 1 day as a 'holiday' for me to use. So i could say one day 'look i want to fishing on sunday 16th June (1 month away) i know it's normally my day as its a weekend but can you have the kids this day?'

This clearer?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 18/05/2019 00:16

It's very unusual for one parent to have all the weekends so a court would certainly grant you some weekend time off. Doesn't your ex want weekends at all? How old are the children? A court would also given you permission to take the children on holiday.

If you self represent it costs £215 to apply to court but you have to consider mediation first which means at the very least attending an information meeting.

Doyoumind · 18/05/2019 00:19

By the way, an agreement written up by a solicitor isn't binding even if you both sign it, unless you go to court and get it made into an order. I don't know the exact details for that process.

VimFuego101 · 18/05/2019 00:21

But why does she have any say in what you do with your holiday or who you have babysit during 'your' time? It's clear what you are saying but it makes no sense why a grown adult allows someone to dictate to them like this.

Original poster
Bobty123 · 18/05/2019 00:22

no she doesnt want any weekends as that would then prevent her from going out getting drunk (one of the many reasons we split) The children are 7, twins.

And i know, i've read up about agreements and how they arent legally binding, this is why im feeling like the only option i have is to go through court and and get a court order.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobty123 · 18/05/2019 00:25

Vim.... because she knows the only way to get to me is to use the kids... She knows as soon as she says 'your not having the kids this weekend' that i would do anything to have them.

This is why now i feel i have no option other than court as i cant keep going on like this, i cant keep having her threaten me with not seeing the kids just because she doesnt get her way.

It also doesnt help that she tells the kids that i dont love them and that i dont love them, that i would much rather just live my life with my 'new slag' as she calls her .. to the kids btw... even sent a message to the children on the ipad calling my new partner 'the slag' ... the kids are 7!

OP posts:
nixso29 · 18/05/2019 00:36

I think you are being more than fair. And as others have said, it is not up to her who minds your children when they are in your care. Legally she cannot stop you from seeing your children so next time if she threatens that tell her you will follow through with taking it to court to get arranged access. From what you have said I think you sound like a very caring dad and unfortunately not being appreciated

Original poster
Bobty123 · 18/05/2019 00:40

thanks nixso

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 18/05/2019 00:43

She sounds like a right prick. Take her to court and get it sorted, none of this is remotely unreasonable.

bullyingadvice2017 · 18/05/2019 00:46

Get to court and apply for as much as you can. Full residence I would be going for!

Original poster
Bobty123 · 18/05/2019 01:36

haha no holding back there queenofpain :)

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 18/05/2019 02:09

I think you sound very reasonable. I think you need to take her to court as honestly, Asa child of divorce, you should get weekends if she doesn't work and you're paying CmS

PotatoScallop · 18/05/2019 02:15

I think it would be far easier for her to agree to this if you listed the four dates you want each year. Having an arbitrary set of dates hanging over her would make her feel out of control, and that sounds like the main issue, no?

I know you are hoping to see concerts, but if you really want the fishing time, you'd be wise to just pick four dates and offer that as part of court ordered access.

wobblebot · 18/05/2019 02:59

Call her bluff. You say she wants every weekend to do as she pleases so what then makes you think she would withhold them from you from a prolonged period of time?
It's time to stop letting her dictate to you. Let your DP's babysit at the very least!
If she does (which I highly doubt she will) stop your contact then go straight to mediation and if then needed, court.

You are one of the decent fathers that cares but please don't let her take advantage of that. In a very short time, your children will be old enough to have a lot more say. They will start to want to male their own plans on weekends, seeing friends, sleepovers etc, you will the. Have time to do as you please.

It's great you WANT to spend every weekend with them but I promise that your DC will not begrudge you the occasional break.

Again, be brave and call her bluff! For the sake of you.