Shared care and school

[ceirrno]

My DP is having issues with his DC's school. DP and his ex (who has unstable mental health issues) have a shared care arrangement, 50/50, but legally DC's are registered with mum so she can claim child benefit etc. The issues are that the school consistently allows her to flout the 50/50 order.

They fail to provide him information on trips, non uniform days etc, chase him for more money when he's paid his part of covering lunch costs etc even though it's for her days which have been proved with the order, refuse him tickets to events which are two tickets per family only because she's bought them both etc.

We know that they do this for an easy life because she will lose it at the teachers, in front of kids, other parents etc because of her mental health (it's happened many times, not hypothetical). What can he actually do to resolve this?

They know that just talking to her isn't an option because of a history of her making false reports to police and social services (all proved to be false) and that the police advise against this, but they are consistently allowing her to get away with it. The court order specifies that she MUST share all information but she doesn't, and the school refuse to send him a copy of all letters etc. He wants to raise a grievance with the school that they are enabling her to exclude him from areas of their lives, but equally he doesn't want to damage his good relationship with the school.

All advice for him is appreciated!

If he hasnt lready done so arrange a a face to face meeting with the headteacher.

Remind the school on the DofE guidance on dealing with seperated parents.

If that doesnt go anywhere - then a letter to your local MP asking for assistance . The MP can make representations on your behalf to the school/local authority.

When it escalates then they may realise its better to deal with you than risk her wrath.

Meeting with HT with a clear list of changes needed. The school must give you the information you need (see DfE guidance).
Is it just shared care with no court order? Schools shouldn't be taking sides but also shouldn't be put in the middle of the issues between your partner and ex.

If there isn't a satisfactory change, complain to governors, following the complaints procedure on the school website. GB will need to help to resolve.

Alternative is if there is a social care service involved. They may be able to support you as a family.

Most schools now send letter by email. We could specifically list both parents and if separated they split the fees (yes private but their state school before did email too)

Ask the school for their separated parents policy. It should lay down what he can request in terms of letters and information. If they don’t have one, contact the LA to ask for their model separated parents policy. Then use that to discuss expectations with the school.
For tickets, he may need to talk to the headteacher to ensure that if two tickets are available for an event, he is allocated one of them.

Only contact the LA if it is a maintained school. LA's have no jurisdiction over academies.

If he has PR he should point out to them that he has the same legal rights as the mother. By failing to provide information they are clearly in breach of the law. The DfE guidance says, "School and local authority staff must treat all parents equally, unless a court order limits a parent’s ability to make educational decisions, participate in school life or receive information about their children". Use of the word "must" in that sentence shows that the school has a duty to comply.

Sorry for the delayed reply, I've been in the wilds with no mobile reception!

Thanks for the advice, we'll stay looking into those things!

There is a court order in place and one of the issues has been her failing to provide information to him and that is specifically in the court order as a result.

I think dealing with a mum with mental health issues is the real problem here. Could DH try and get increased contact? 50/50 can be disruptive as they get older and they might benefit from stability from you.

Obviously the school is wrong but it doesn’t seem satisfactory for the children either.

We do everything we can to give them stability and ensure they know they're loved, but no matter what she does to herself or others, there has to be proved direct harm rather than potential to them in order to go for more. Everything is set up to support her as much as possible- lots of other agencies are involved with that- in having the best possible relationship with them. The only other way that will change is through the kids choice as they get older.

You say DCs are “registered with mum” so I’m assuming this is parental responsibility. Many judges don’t like 50:50 when DC are at school. They like one settled home. I think you could challenge the arrangements but maybe you think it’s working apart from school? From your posts, I’m not sure that DC wouldn’t benefit from more time with you. Also DC don’t have absolute choice regarding where they live and who has PR. Their views are taken into account by the judge. The older they get, their views are given more weight. They don’t have the ultimate choice though.

Both parents have full PR and it is an exact 50/50 split timewise, their only registered with her for child benefit etc as she has less income so this gives a fairer environment financially between the two homes. This is all court ordered. It's also so difficult to manage the risk of affecting her mental health which would be detrimental to the kids in the time they have with her- it's like walking a tightrope.

Yes. So go back to Court and ask for a change. This situation must be detrimental to the DC at the moment so you could try and do something about it. Their needs must come first. The school issue is a bit of a red herring. If 50/50 isn’t working, get advice on whether you would be successful in seeking change and the DCs will be asked for their opinion.