Close Friend & Separation/Divorce

[Exhisatwunt]

I've NC for this, but long time MN user.

I'm posting on behalf of a friend, as I'm at a loss as to how to help her (if I can at all)

Back Story: She's been married 16 years, 2 DC (15 & 13). Her DH has been in and out of work during their marriage. He's only ever worked in retail, and has refused to get any other type of job. Friend has worked 3 jobs at a time to support the family, and used her redundancy pay to pay her DH a wage when he lost his job and refused to find another. DH also has a hobby which means almost every weekend he is away partaking in this. This has been the case for the duration of the marriage. My friend has been the primary care giver for the children, and the three of them have spent most of their weekends together without DH.

Friend has not been in love with her DH for a long time. She was biding her time until the DC were older, but she had an epiphany when her DH asked her if she loved him and she said sadly no.

She has told DH she wants a separation, and asked him to move out to his mums house. This caused a lot of tension and initial refusal but he did so. They are trying to do the separation through mediation in order to save money (which neither of them have much of)

Since this all came out, DH has been constantly bombarding her with messages/calls and demands to talk. Demanding they see a counsellor, and telling her that she still loves him. She has told him that it's over, she isn't in love with him, and she doesn't want to be with him. He is adamant she is having an affair, which she isn't (nor ever has done). He cannot accept her reasons, and keeps pushing her to be honest with him and demanding she meet to tell him why she doesn't to be with him.

Now the children. My friend has been very careful not to discuss anything negative in front of her DC. She's told them that her and DH still love them both, just not each other.
DH has now started alienating the DC against my friend. They are now attacking her telling her she's having an affair, that she should be the one to leave the house, things that she's said to DH in private etc. The eldest DC has now decided she wants to live with DH (at his mums). because her mum is a liar and having an affair, and that her mum should now be forced to sell the family home so her father can have some money to rent his own place. (he has zero credit rating, earns under 20k, and can't open a bank account)

It's all got really messy. The DC are repeating things and using things their father has told them, which in turn is causing them more upset and is totally untrue.

I guess the whole point of my really long post is: What on earth can my friend do to stop her controlling DH from manipulating the DC? She's not refused access, she's accommodated all of his requests, but they are being turned against her.

Thanks for reading!

If there are no court orders in place she can stop contact. She doesn't have to give him time with the children if he is going to use that to turn them against her.

Given the ages of the children she would be very stupid to stop contact as they will.probably vote with their feet. Maybe she needs to try to talk to him and lay out her reasons for divorce again and try to convince him not to talk about the divorce with the children. Most marriages do end because of affairs so I can see where her ex is coming from. It may be an idea if the children stay with their father in the house and she rents if her credit rating us better until finances have been sorted out. Just make sure that the children know they are the number 1 priority in her life. They will come round once they have rine to absorb the truth and it's obvious she's not with anyone else.

She is unlikely to be able to stop contact as the children are of an age where they can make their own decisions with regards to whether or not they want to see (or even live with) their father. Even if it went to court the children’s wishes would be listened to above those of the adults at this point.

Given that many people, both men and women, do leave marriages when they meet someone else, her dh isn’t unreasonable in his assumptions even if he is wrong. But only time will resolve that one.

With regards to the finances, she needs to seek legal advice. Given the family home is a marital asset it is very likely that she will have to sell it or at the very least buy him out if she can take on the mortgage in her own right, in order to be able to divide up the marital asset. Given they’ve been married for sixteen years he will likely be entitled to 50% of the equity. There is no such thing as entitlement to stay in the family home until the children are eighteen, for instance. But she needs to see a solicitor, and in the meantime she needs to tel the DC that what goes on between the adults is between them, and hopefully with time things will calm down in that regard.

Sorry - for some reason I thought the children were younger than the OP said.