Shared care - changes once DS starts school

[Aralili]

DH and I separated and agreed to share care 50/50 of our infant DS. We didn't go to court as we wanted to keep things amicable. We agreed neither of us would move out of the local area. We both work so DS goes to a local nursery.

After a few months DH met someone new who lives 60 mins drive away down the motorway. After another few months he moved in with her. I wasnt happy at the time as I felt DS shouldn't be made to spend an hour in the car to and from nursery on his days but I conceded to avoid falling out.

DH now no longer takes DS to nursery on the days he has him, instead he is cared for by his new girlfriend. I didn't like this but conceded again to avoid falling out.

DS will be starting school in Sept, and DH has already suggested multiple times that he thinks we should do one week on one week off. DS will be attending a school local to me, not him. I object to this on the basis that they cannot keep him home from school as they have done from nursery, and will mean a one hour journey for DS each way everyday on the weeks he is with DH. I dont believe this is fair on DS. It also raises issues should he want to attend after school clubs, go to friends houses, etc.

I want to know if it is reasonable in the eyes of the law if I insist that we change our informal arrangement so that DS lives with me during the week during term time, seeing as I am local to the school and DH is the one who chose to move away. But also because he will be at school every weekday I would want to have him some weekends so I get quality time with him for trips out.

My fear is that DH will kick off big time, because he will have gone from having him 50% of the time every week to only having him alternate weekends or similar. He will argue that DS has grown up so far spending equal time in each of our homes and this should continue.

Does anyone with any knowledge of family law or been in a similar situation know whether a judge would see my request as reasonable? I'm not doing it because I dont want DS to see DH as much, but when he starts school the current arrangement just wont work because of the fact DH moved so far away. I will make it clear to DH that if he moves closer to us again he could have him during the week again, I think that's fair?

Because we have never been to court, there is no court order in place so I dont need to do anything legally. I will obviously inform him that it is going to change once he starts school and if he doesn't like it he will have to initiate court proceedings. I just hope that a judge wouldn't see my decision as unreasonable? If you got this far thank you for reading.

If it is an hour each way, it is perfectly reasonable for you to insist that your son stays with you during the week. It may be that your ex should have your son more during the school holidays to balance things out a bit. You wouldn't be seen as unreasonable for not agreeing to your son having an hour's journey to and from school.

Or your ex and his gf could move closer, of course.

I'd suggest mediation, and if that doesn't work, get the ball rolling for court, since it will take that long to resolve.

I think that you're being reasonable. There's 13 weeks of school holidays in a year so as long as he gets half of those as well as every other weekend then you're not being obstructive. I'm assuming every other weekend to be Friday pick up until Monday drop off (assuming no parties at the weekend) Starting school is very tiring and 2 hours in a car on top of that is very unfair on him. In Reception there tends to be a lot of parties. If you do mediation or go to court, you might request that pick up/drop off times might have to be flexible around this sort of event.

Mediation needs to be tried. EOW plus one midweek night plus additional school holidays so it's still 50:50?

I suppose in London an hour travelling to and from even primary school isn't likely to be that unusual

Will your DS need to be in breakfast club/after school club with you both working?

Thanks for your replies everyone. I know ideally we should begin mediation now but the problem is I honestly can't afford it and also we did do two sessions last year but when we came away he just did a u-turn on everything that was said and denies the legitimacy of the mediators advice because it goes against what he believes to be correct. I feel that as we have never been to court, I dont need to go down that path now, in the eyes of the law if I change our arrangement I'm not actually in breach of anything. We have also changed our arrangement once or twice already informally between us so I'm hoping this can go the same way.

My plan is that if he brings it up to continue to insist that he must move closer if he wants what he is asking for once DS starts school. This is what I have said since the separation and so I feel I'm being consistent and the onus is on him to take action if he doesn't agree. If he doesn't initiate legal proceedings I will just ensure I am there at the school gates to collect DS everyday and tell him he will have to initiate legal proceedings if he doesn't agree. I would be happy for him to have him most of the school holidays to compensate for lost time, especially as I cant afford to go on holiday or anything so they dont serve any purpose to me. I will be more than happy having alternate weekends and yes he can pick him up Friday and drop him off Monday.

The reason we have never done the one midweek day with him is because we felt it was too much to-ing and fro-ing for a baby/toddler as they dont even know the days of the week but I guess when hes 4 he would probably be happy to see his dad one evening per week and I would be okay with that as it's just 1 hour to his one day then 1 hour back the following day. It's the 2 hour slog on a daily basis which I feel is unfair and that's if theres no accidents etc, the journey can easily be 90 mins if traffic is particularly bad which it often is!

I feel much better now, thank you everyone. I'm hoping I can reduce my hours at work when the time comes so that DS doesn't need to attend before/after school clubs on a regular basis. I know it's pretty normal these days in London but school is tiring and I want him to have all the benefits that I had growing up (my stay at home mum was always there for pick up and its just what I always wanted for my own family too!)

Fingers crossed he will come round to what I'm saying and understand that it's about what's best for DS, not us.

I think you have to both make some compromises, not just him. And remember that you cannot insist he does anything eg move house to be nearer to school. Make sure what you're asking for truly is reasonable in the situation, and put aside all the stuff about what you had when you grew up. It's irrelevant in this situation. Also where you say you've allowed new girlfriend to care - you can't dictate what happens, you're not allowing it, unless she is a convicted serial killer etc the court won't disallow it.

You may very well end up in court anyway by the sounds of it. And actually that's not a bad thing - the court is there to decide when to people can't agree on their own. The court will of course look at what's in the best interest of the child, not the parents.

If it comes to it, I suspect your ex might change his mind when he realises how hard the ten hours + a week school run is, given that he very quickly opted out of doing the nursery run when an easier (for him) solution came along. As you say, they can't keep him home from school just because they don't fancy the trip. If they do, you'll very quickly be pulled up on your son's attendance record, which would actually give you tangible evidence to support your position.

I am compromising, DH moved away and changed childcare arrangements without telling me and my point was that I let it go without disputing it because I know that we must compromise. I realise I have no say in who cares for DS whilst he is with DH but I believe that my behaviour supports the fact that I have done my best to keep things amicable and be fair, when a lot of people would have kicked off when that happened.

I'm not trying to force him to move, I'm saying if he wants to drop off and pick up DS everyday he needs to live closer. If he chooses to stay where he is we will ensure he gets his fair share of time with him via school holidays etc. But daily drop off and pick up isn't fair on DS from his current location.

I shared what I had growing up because someone asked what I was planning about pre/post school childcare. I never said this had anything to do with custody or that I would bring it up in court.

I found your response to be really rude tbh.

OP, YANBU.
Look , 1 hour or 60miles isn't an hour in rush hour/school drop off time. It's nearly 2 hours and then add on pick up, which he can't be late for.
For eg My 10 mins drive to/from school is 35 mins with parking... my commute 30miles up the road in rush hour is 50-90 mins.

You can change the arrangement and send him reasonable alternative. If he wants to take it to court then so be it. The fact they dropped him out of nursery so quickly and couldnt sustain it, is evidence.

However, I'd be tempted to let school start and for him to be late, and find out himself that it's not working. Child will be overtired and grumpy and XH will find he cannot manage the timings nor the journey. He'll have to set off soooo early to ensure he is on time, that it'll drive him mad. And how does he then get back and to work? This has disaster written all over it and as long as it's reception year and you review it regularly, then ...

Sorry for getting defensive, it's just been a brutal few years filled with animosity and I drive myself crazy trying to make sure I'm doing what's best for everyone and that DS won't look back on this and resent any of our decisions.

It's discretionary, so could always go either way. However, we've been on the other side of this and been awarded more contact despite being 1.5hrs away from school and his other parent within walking distance. The drive isn't ideal, but the family court is very reluctant to change the status quo, generally; and doesn't usually do so simply to make something 'look' a little more ideal. Unless there is a tangible harm to your child from the journey, it's unlikely they'll change it. It isn't enough to say "Obviously, a shorter journey is better than a longer journey". You'll have to convince them that it is having/will have a detrimental impact on your child. You've been 50:50. You're both on an even footing. He could just as well apply for a school local to him and turn the tables. The court doesn't care who moved first - no matter how unfair that would feel.

You make good points and that is why I'm worrying, I know that maintaining status quo is preferable for everyone. However we can't really maintain status quo once school starts anyway because currently DH gets the majority of weekends. It works well at present as I am part time and get a full day off during the week to spend time with DS and take him on days out and to see family but once school starts this time will be lost and so we have already both agreed that we will need to change the arrangement anyway so that we are both able to spend time with DS at weekends.

The whole driving distance thing is why I posted here for opinions... I think 2 hours in a car everyday isn't in DS' best interests but I dont know whether that's how a judge would see it. I know it's not gonna kill him but I thought there was an argument for "best interest" in things like travelling long distances to school if its everyday. I dont know whether offsetting the term time weekdays by DH having most school holidays would be seen as a reasonable compromise? I was hoping people might have experience in similar situations.

@wotsittoyou Can I ask what the details were where you were given an increase in time despite being a 90 min journey away? Is that a journey your DS/DD is now making everyday, or is it a few times a week? It's the daily frequency that concerns me.

Hearing about as many different cases as possible will help us come to a decision I'm sure, but one of the problems we always encounter is that not many parents are in an informal 50/50 co parenting arrangement. For most there is one parent who has the child slightly more or there are court orders already in place to protect the arrangement. I know going to court will probably happen one day but I'm so broke and really didn't want us to have to pour all that money away. I think this will be the last major change we will have to negotiate for a long time and I'd be gutted if we fell at the final hurdle as we have worked hard to be amicable so far.

The only thing which I know for sure is DH won't send DS to school local to him, this is one issue we cleared up via mediation. I am legally the primary carer because I receive the child benefit and also DS is registered locally here for doctors, dentist, etc. DH and I both were born and raised in this area and all extended family live here. There's not much weight to argue that he should attend school elsewhere so I think DH would have to apply for full custody to make that happen. He has no intention of doing this though anyway, he has always agreed the school should be here.

I've got a headache now 😂

I'm surprised if they don't care in court which parent has moved away. It wasn't for any reason other than meeting someone and her refusing to leave her house so none of it was really for the sake of DS. DS also loves nursery to bits and it breaks my heart that they dont take him but I know it's not my decision. I think I'm going to try and forget about it all for a bit as I'm stressing myself out now

They care which has moved away for solve purposes but not others. So my DP is moving away from the school his children are at in the same town that his ex lives, which means he is the one that has to do all the travelling because he and only he created it. It would be unfair to expect their mum to do the extra travelling so we will do it all. However, he has checked with his solicitor and so long as he managed all of the travelling and they don't miss school etc because of it then she has no right to try and vary the contact order.

His DC's will be travelling 45 minutes to and from school on every day that he has them, most weeks this will be one and a half days a week and another journey for a drop off to mum over the weekend, one week in four it will include 2.5 days of travelling. However, we'll have two cars, we're both used to lots of driving, and both of us as kids spent 45-60 minutes both ways every day on a bus to school. Not only will his DC's be doing less, but it'll be in a car with a trusted adult and not just on an insecure bus with no adults, and it will be nowhere near every day.

Based on all that, it will not be unreasonable at all, and we will be able to give them a far more stable life during his half the week than at present.