Child contact case

[AllTheCs]

TL:DR: sent awful emails to ex, worried how it will affect court case.

Brief timeline of events:

• was in an emotionally abusive relationship but didn’t realise it
• separated but for following year child contact used to continue abuse
• following intervention by professionals, realised what was happening. Intervention during a very difficult time with illness and other major problems.
• contact broke down and eventually stopped in order to get a court order
• case currently going through the system.

Which brings us to now. I have been gathering evidence for the case and going over old emails. The ones from me are awful. I’m so petty, critical, over the top. I come across as completely unreasonable. My ex’s email responses were mostly reasonable but I was regularly verbally abused and screamed at in person or in phone calls.

At the time I was struggling very badly with life (I was suicidal) and coming to terms with not just the EA, but also my childhood. I wasn’t coping with my ex’s behaviour at all and was fixated on things being ‘fair’.

Contact was eventually stopped due to issues with punctuality, reliability and not meeting the children's needs.

We don’t communicate at all now and the space has allowed me to heal and see my behaviour in a different light. I know I was unreasonable. I think I was trying to stand up for myself for the first time in years and ended up really missing the mark. I hadn’t (still haven’t) found a way to deal with my ex in an emotionally removed way. We should have sought a court order at this point but I still hoped we could work something out ourselves as I knew court would inflame tensions.

So to my issue: I know these emails are going to come out in court and I’m distressed at the idea of this. Partly because it’s embarrassing but also because of how it might affect the case. On paper, it looks like I’m the problem which is very far from the full picture but I can’t prove it. I do have a diary detailing flaky contact though.

How can I practically deal with this please? I do want contact to continue but I want the contact to be safe and meaningful for the children without me having to deal with my ex as there is too much anger and animosity there.

Do you have any proof of the emotional abuse at all? Witnesses? Anything?

I wouldn't be so sure about the emails coming out in court. IME it's not really how it works.

You aren't in court to discuss your relationship and it's history. They probably will pay very little attention to anything you say about EA unless you are suggesting this has been aimed at your DC. Even then, IME they won't really listen.

The most important thing is that in any statements and in any dealings in court or with Cafcass etc you show that your main focus now is your DC and their best interests.

*Its history. Hate autocorrect.

The court will be less interested in the historical interaction between you and your ex much more interested in how the current problem can be resolved going forwards.

What contact is he asking for (I assume it’s his application?) and why are you opposed?

Initially I was offering unsupervised contact but CAFCASS said no and said supervised only following their own safeguarding report. I have police reports but as I was always reluctant to report him and didn’t really recognise his behaviour as abusive at the time, I don’t have much evidence. My neighbour has witnessed things.

The EA sometimes involved the children. I have reports from various agencies that state my children have problems connected to exposure to domestic violence. There is likely to be a FF hearing at some point.

He has used one of the emails in evidence already.

I do have ample proof that I have always tried to facilitate contact and I still live in hope that an agreement can be reached so the children have meaningful contact with their dad. I don’t want to stop him seeing the children, I want him to be a good dad so the children are not harmed by that relationship.

He wants EOW overnight and unsupervised to begin immediately.

I want the same after a period of adjustments to allow him to prove to the children that he is reliable and to work out a better handover arrangement.

CAFCASS want indirect contact only.

The court have so far granted supervised contact which will be reviewed later.

What does CAFCASS mean by indirect contact? With no contact between you & your ex?

@Chocolate50, the CAFCASS report said cards, letters and small gifts for the children.

You state intervention by professionals? Wondering what that was and whether it might constituency evidence.

Just asking but have you been to the freedom programme, its viewed very highly when DMs in abuse and offer to undertake formal education for it. Also, he might be a able to cite emails, but have then professionals claimed you are abusive, has your ex claimed abuse and made abuse allegations against you, it seems quite clear cut from what you've put here, except the professionals overriding your wishes for him to have open contact, that would defeinitely have been better coming from you, but evenso, it is you that is making allegations. The ff will involve you completing a Scott schedule likely.

The thing is, with abuse, its not really about the respondent as no matter what an abused DM does or says (and they will respond variously) it doesn't take a way the fact of the abuse.

You can always try calling rights of Women, for their advice. They are the experts so might be able to offer further direction.

Good luck, and justkrep putting the safety of your DC first and foremost, above his needs wants to demand a relationship, it will only bebfit the DC if it is actually good! (Abusive men make bad fathers)

Did you have contact with da agencies? They can provide assessment reports also.

If cafcass recommended indirect contact only, then they must feel that the nrp poses a risk of harm to the child - they're usually gung ho for unsupervised contact and victims of abuse face a hell of a time fighting to keep themselves and their children safe from an abusive nrp.

If you say it pike you've said it in your original post OP (if you're questioned on the emails) you'll be fine. You have acknowledged you made a mistake & have insight as to why you felt the way you did. You're human & its not about perfection, the important thing is that you have learnt & see things differently now.

Was the indirect contact ordered without any direct? If so, I don't think you have an issue! Its acknowledgement of the risk he poses to dc.

Agree with Sisters - they're usually gung ho for unsupervised contact and victims of abuse face a hell of a time fighting to keep themselves and their children safe from an abusive nrp.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to advise and provide reassurance. I’ve found the whole process very difficult so this really helps.

There has already been significant harm to the children caused by DV in the opinion of professionals involved (camhs and SS). I believe CAFCASS were hoping he would be ordered to attend a DV perpetrators course before looking at direct contact. He is denying everything and claiming CAFCASS are biased.

The judge awarded supervised contact but I agreed with this anyway. They would not order a FF hearing yet despite me saying this is what I wanted. I guess this may be necessary later when looking at progressing contact from supervised.

I’ve always found it very difficult to be placed in a position of being the arbiter of the quality of his parenting. I can see that he is lax with their care and controlling of me but I don’t feel comfortable saying that means he shouldn’t see his children. But then I was also criticised by SS for allowing contact to continue while he was being abusive (hence the crude attempts to assert myself in the awful emails).

I still have a hard time recognising the extent of his abuse and objectively, I recognise that I have been conditioned by the abuse, making it difficult to draw boundaries for myself and the children. I’ve been asked to do the freedom programme so hopefully that will help (thank you for the suggestion).

Thanks for the update. I hope you are feeling stronger. It really will help to see what's going on and you will hear others saying the same as you too! You sound a lot stronger OP, well done!