Domestic emotional verbal abuse

[Leelu1]

My partner and I split up a few years ago due to verbal abuse that heightened after our baby was born. I frequently get verbal abuse to this day. Since we split up he would see our daughter every month quite happily, then suddenly will drop her like a hot brick. bullying and nastiness has got far worse in recent months. Every conversation is saved in messages. Sending me abuse such as recently, 'I want nothing to do with our dd, you used me for a baby (which upsets me that he would think that)and then left me. I want you to suffer and I will make your life miserable in punishment'. He resents our daughter but says he will see her but will not feel love like he does his other children and can not guarantee he won't treat her differently. With his current state, wanting to punish me and saying he resents our daughter, I have said that he shouldn't see her until such a day that he does want a relationship with her. Picking her up and then dropping her for months at a time, is abuse alone. He knows by doing this it will cause me upset. Am I in the wrong to prevent him from seeing her. If it came to court, I wondered if this would go against me or if I'm being too harsh by preventing him from seeing her. She loves him dearly. It's him saying he can't love her as he feels I used him!

You aren’t wrong!! That is sooo bad in my opinion. That is is own daughter.. that is so evil. That is just so cruel and nasty, I would cut off all contact with him!! Does he pay child support?

Child maintenance is irrelevant when considering contact.

If this went to court they would consider your child's best interests. It is usually considered to be in the child's best interests for them to have a relationship with both parents. Add to that you say she loves him dearly and, although he is telling you he resents your daughter, you don't appear to have any evidence that he is mistreating her beyond the on/off nature of contact.

If this went to court I suspect contact would be ordered. If he then does not take up the ordered contact you would be able to go back to court to get the order changed.

Thanks for responding.

He threatened to stop paying support but when it came around to the date he put it in my bank. He wanted her this weekend and when I said it's no good if you are going to treat her differently to your other children, in the long run she'll notice and could effect her esteem and more. He then switched tactic and said I'm preventing her having a relationship with her father, even if the relationship isn't a close bond. By threating to not show our daughter love, he knows that will hurt and upset me. I cannot comprehend that he actually feels resentment for our daughter and think it is all mind games. I don't want her to not have a relationship with her father and I feel awful stopping her going but right now his actions could be damaging if this is truly how he feels.

I asked re the child support because I wasn't sure if he'd stop contributing if you refused to let him see her..

He is definitely playing games, and you're right it will effect her self esteem as she grows up and understands things more.

Saying that he resents her is really really bad, I couldn't imagine how you feel, she's just an innocent child.

My father is exactly the same, he said he resented me because my mum left him as he was verbally and physically abusive towards her. He used to play a lot of mind games, and although I'm an adult now he still tells me to my face he regrets/resents me because my mum didn't wanna put up with him and left him. Never paid a penny towards me.

For the moment it seems like he's being really nasty and in my opinion I don't think he should see her, although it is morally "wrong" to cut off contact. Maybe after a while he will genuinely miss her and stop the games?

Yes, I've all the messages in evidence stating that he gives her annoying needed and resents her. A message that he says he will treat her differently a result. If the courts would rule that he should see her and would be in her interest to, dispite all this then maybe I am wrong to stop her going. Yes she does love him.

That's awful about how your dad treated you. Do you still feel thankful however that you had time to get to know him and time with him?

I think he will in time realise how much he does love her. I hope he will want to treat her like she deserves to be treated. I do feel as he is so full of anger and hatred right now, having her this weekend wouldn't be a good idea.

Maybe it's not for me to stop him seeing her altogether though because of how he feels towards her, although I can see it causing hurt especially with favouritism with his other child. maybe this is to be left to her to decide this in the future.

He only threatened to stop paying support because I said he couldn't see her whilst he was feeling this way, it was because he said he didn't want to have anything to do with her or see her. So therefore won't pay. Then I got a message a week later saying he wants to pick her up Saturday.

The way your dad treated you, sounds exactly what I imagine he will be like. Awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

The thing is, I can't know 100 percent that he will be like that towards her or if it's just lose threats to hurt me right now. To use a child in these emotional games is awful.

Yes you're 100% right, maybe it is for your daughter to decide in the future as she grows up. Try not to completely cut off contact with that in mind, as she may possibly blame you or something down the line. It might be hard because of the things he's said and you wouldn't want him to be treating her differently to his other child, that's just so wrong but yeah give him a bit of space and hopefully he'll change his thoughts about her but even if he did a 180 turn he would have to live with this behaviour forever and you'll always remember it.

I wouldn't say I'm thankful I got into contact with him but I think if I didn't I'd always be thinking what if and I had so many unanswered questions too. He didn't even see anything wrong with Him saying he regrets me. He was pleasant sometimes but he just played a lot of games even when we got back into contact. Still holding onto the past, putting negative things into my head and just trying to upset me.

And you're right- I don't really believe my story will be the same as yours because your ex is contributing and trying to be active in her life even though he's been saying horrible things and my dad has only seen me a few times in my life, even when I was a baby he wasn't fussed. Didn't bother sign the birth certificate because my mum broke up with him so I don't have his surname which I'm actually thankful for lol.

Ahh, thank you for all your help. Yes, I'll do that I think.

Hopefully in time, when he moves on with his life, this abuse and mind games will stop. I'd rather he aimed them at me rather than at my daughter though but it's the only thing left for him to use to hurt and control me. Hopefully he will meet someone soon and that'll take the pressure and attention off me a little.

Take care