My DH's XP is demanding extra cash

[livinthedreamnot]

My DH received a text from XP last night demanding extra cash in addition to CM for various child related expenses coming up over the next 6 months. He agreed he would pay. She then texted him to say part of the payment was needed immediately. He is already paying for maths tuition and a school trip this month in addition to regular CM payments. She treats him like an ATM so he texted her back to say due to the other expenses he couldn't come up with cash immediately. She texted back to say he was not allowed access to the children today due to his attitude followed by lots of foul language and abuse.

She literally holds the children to ransom to force him to pay up which he has of course now agreed to. Not sure if this is something he could go to the police about (I know it would be a bit far fetched to claim this was extortion but that's what it feels like or whether it will mean him taking her to court to put access arrangements in place so she cannot use money as leverage. Anyone else had similar experience ? Advice needed please.

Is there a court agreement? If so I think it's possible to make an official complaint but I'm not UK so not sure. Here (France) she'd be charged

Is there a court order ? If not their should be. If so go back to court for breach

Court ordered contact.
ASAP.. His dc are not pay per view.
I feel your pain as ds has the same drama with ex dil.

Contact is totally separate to maintenance so she’s not allowed to deny contact in order to get money. But that is assuming there is a court order. If not he needs to go to court and get one.

Aprilshowersarecoming soon "pay per view" made me smile!

There is currently no court order in place. They separated years ago but DH has always been reluctant to do anything legally as he thought he did not have many rights as a non resident father. He has recently sort legal advice and had it explained that it is the children's right to see their father and important that this is encouraged.

Since my post he has decided to talk to his ex about mediation as he says he cannot go to court without first attempting this. Might be a long drawn out process as I think he will need to get any agreement made during mediation signed off by the court as otherwise I believe it is not legally enforceable.

Missy81 yes I read somewhere that even if non resident parent wasn't making any payments this wasn't grounds to prevent child's access to the parent.

He needs to go to court or to stop complaining.

It's one or the other. Some parents are dicks and will use their kids as weapons. Courts come in handy for this crap.

gamerchick This has been going on for years without him complaining...just paying up. I agree with you, he does need to take action now.

If there is no order in place I suggest he completes a C100 form for a child arrangements order and take the matter to court. He is a father with parental rights I assume? Make sure he keeps all of those messages with date and time stamps backed up somewhere. Children are not pay per view as someone has already said, and the CMS determine how much their father pays based on income. If she has an issue then maybe she could ask the CMS to review or she could consider getting some financial advice about her own monthly budgeting rather than hold the kids to ransom like that if money is short for her. my dh pays just over £400 a month via CMS for his dc and that leaves us £1300 to last the entire month to pay a mortgage and all bills plus provide for our own child together. His ex still asks for more money. We looked at cutting back on luxuries like netflix to make sure both children were provided for. It is in everyone's interests to be civil and to coparent.

Sultansofswing
There is no court order in place.

Neither DH or I have a problem with paying for extras over and above CMS as we do not want his children missing out and know that their DM would make them go without and blame their DF for it. I doubt she will go to CMS for a review due to this backfiring on her in the past as DH was paying too much. It was just this month with already paying other extras for DC (and being soon after Christmas) he couldn't come up with cash immediately. It's the preventing his children from seeing their dad which is the problem.

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of the C100, I'll read up on this.

DH contacted her and suggested mediation with a view to getting some sort of rubber stamp through court on a parenting arrangement. She has since backed down on refusing access and DH is very relieved but I have said he needs to follow through with the formal process to obtain a Consent Order (?) otherwise there is no deterrent from her doing this again which she has many times in the past.

It would certainly be a wise idea to put the matter through the courts and have it rubber stamped like you say. Just because she has backed down this time does not always mean she will again in the future.

I do really sympathise with you for cash flow being tight after christmas - a lot of us are all in the same boat but for his ex to threaten to withold access because extra cash is not immediately forthcoming is a dreadful thing to do. No one benefits, especially the children stuck in the middle of adult conflict. I hope it all gets sorted soon.

NRP is obliged to pay what CMS have assessed. Anything above CMS figure is voluntary. However, if NRP can afford to help towards; Birthdays, Christmas, out of school activities that is fair in my view.

Access and Maintenance are separate issues. Court can make an order for access and will likely not be impressed by the mother trying to prevent access due to her demands for extra money not being met by the father. However, how such orders can be enforced effectively I am not sure.

I know several friends, relatives and colleagues who have court orders to see their children, but their partners (usually the ex wife) seem to be able to ignore the court order as soon as they leave the court.

Good luck

MissedTheBoatAgain thanks. Yes I too am wondering whether she would comply with a court order but even though she behaves appallingly at times she hates anyone pointing this out or making negative comments so I think she would be mortified to go to court in breach of an order.

She has categorically refused mediation and says she doesn't want to go to court. Typical bully, she is all talk and threats but when finally stood up to and faced with the idea of authority intervening she has backed down. We have the texts as proof of her behaviour, they do paint her in very bad light. I doubt she would risk those coming out in court especially as she has no such ammunition to use against my DH.

I have same trouble with my ex and working overseas is a big issue. She did not even let child stay with his grandparents until she found out that nights with grandparents does not affect the Child Maintenance calculated by CMS.

Now she wants grandparents to have him every weekend and all school holidays, a total of 167 nights per year at their expense while she receives maintenance for 365 nights per year. However, if I am in the UK the child will not be allowed to stay with his grandparents as that is where I will be staying too if it exceeds 52 nights or more as then maintenance is reduced.

Thankfully child is reaching age where his wishes may be taken into account by the courts. At age 12 he has already expressed a wish to live with grandparents rather than his mother.

MissedTheBoatAgain Working overseas must complicate things and let's face it, an obstructive ex is complicated and frustrating enough.

Your ex sounds very conniving (also sounds like she wants free childcare/babysitters) and similar to my DH's ex who told CMS years ago that he never has children (at the time she had denied access for a couple of weeks). Children were then allowed to visit overnight every single weekend for almost 6 years (with the exception of a few every now and again when she has a tantrum) but CMS were never told of change of circumstances. DH has never contacted CMS himself as it's easier to pay over and above than continually have access denied.

The fact your child is thinking about living with DGPs speaks volumes! Hope it gets sorted soon.

She has categorically refused mediation and says she doesn't want to go to court

What she wants is irrelevant. If she refuses mediation it will go to court.

To avoid mediation she has backed down and agreed access to the children. I'm getting the impression that she will sign a parenting arrangement with reasonable access drawn up by DH which I believe can be signed off by the court without her being present. If she refuses to sign then DH will need to take her to court.

If she refuses mediation it will go to court

True, but what happens when she ignores the court order? Enforcement seems to be the stumbling block.

she will sign a parenting arrangement with reasonable access drawn up by DH which I believe can be signed off by the court without her being present.

Agreements don't get "signed off by the court". He can have a written agreement, which although not enforceable is the baseline for the level of contact if it breaks down and ends up in court anyway. If he reaches an agreement it is a rare case that the court can be persuaded that it's in the interest of the child to make an order.

MissedTheBoatAgain DH will need to cross that bridge if it comes to it. However, his ex seems to have issues with being seen to be in the wrong so the thought of even having a ticking off in court in front of authority I would hope would be enough if a deterrent.

Collaborate Apologies for not using the correct terminology. I have a Consent Order between me and my XH and neither of us was required to attend court (though we did go to mediation). Another friend has one. He attended court and represented himself but his XW did not attend (and refused mediation) so I know it is possible to do this.