Emotional abuse and rental agreement

[Spanielmadness]

I am after some practical advice as I’m in a terrible situation.

Ex was emotionally abusive and controlling while we were together and continued to exert control after we split.
I realise now he is the typical emotional abuser - charming to everyone but angry, controlling and manipulative with me. Love bombing and then gas lighting as suits his needs.

I only see this now I am finally physically distant from his direct control. I am staying with my parents. I am late 30’s.

He was wonderful to me for the first 6 months, with a number of flags I ignored, before we moved in together. Then the control and manipulative behaviour ramped up gradually and in such blatant ways I questioned my own judgement of what was happening and didn’t turn for help. Things like sexual stuff that I won’t go into here that was just so awful I felt like I couldn’t speak to anyone about it and that I would be judged for doing it, rather than believed as being a victim.

We live in a rented, isolated cottage. He does not want to leave but (claims) he cannot afford to live alone. He has always manipulated me into signing further tenancy agreements even when we have not been in a relationship, as it suits him to stay and for me to pay half the rent.

To give some background on the emotional control he had (and still has, if I am honest) over me - we split twice and I moved out of the cottage and returned each time, despite having found alternative suitable accommodation. Against everyone’s advice. He guilted me into returning.

The first time we split he threw me out and I had to live in a tent for a few weeks while he stayed in the house. I still returned to live in the house. Please don’t comment on this - I realise how foolish this was but I felt I had no other choice. He then prevented me from sleeping until I agreed to get back with him. He was not working at the time. I was working from 5.45am until 10pm most days (self employed).

I am afraid of him since this incident (I called the police at the time) and he knows this and uses this to his advantage.

I have approached citizens advice, the police and the local council looking for help but I am told that it is ‘my choice’ to leave or live there, but I won’t be given any help if I ‘choose’ to leave. Even when I explained I called the police when he threw me out, I was told unless I was in direct and immediate fear of my life it was ‘my choice’ to leave or stay and therefore no one would help me. I am legally obligated to pay rent on a place I am too afraid to live in.

The last time I saw him he was aggressive and threatening and I called the police who took a statement from me. They told me that they had to safeguard me and act on my statement. They agreeed this made it unsafe for me to stay in the house, so I decided to leave. However, I am now told this is ‘my choice’ and I have not been forced to leave.

He is aware that I am too afraid to return to the house but wants me to continue paying the rent as this suits him nicely, so he is emailing me saying I am being ‘aggressive and intimidating’.

I foolishly signed a years tenancy agreement starting November 2018 with a 6 month break clause, assuming this provided me with an ‘out’ if the situation turned sour again.

I have been told by the agent that the break clause will only be effective if both tenants agree to break the tenancy. He will not agree as he does not want to leave.

Please can anyone offer me any practical advice? I feel desperate I have nowhere to turn.

Bump

I have no personal experience, but did not want to leave you unanswered.
On many other threads I have seen advice to contact Women's aid in similar circumstances who can put you in contact with legal teams who are experienced in emotional abuse.

I have been told by the agent that the break clause will only be effective if both tenants agree to break the tenancy.

I'm not sure this is correct and would definitely not take the letting agent's word for it. I think in some circumstances you can end the tenancy unilaterally. If he still refused to leave you could be liable for rent and eviction costs, but that may be a price worth paying to be eventually free of him.

Can you seek legal advice on this specific issue? Citizens Advice sometimes arrange consultations you can book with an actual lawyer rather than a generalist advisor.

I don't have any proper advice either but also suggest speaking to Women's Aid or posting in Legal Matters to see if there is any way out of this contract.

Coercive control is now a crime, punishable by law. www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Do please take this information to the police - he has forced you to sign legally-binding papers and is forcing you to pay. He is also using threatening and intimidating behaviour. Tell them you want it to stop.

Stop paying anything (rent bills whatever) immediately. Write to the landlord/agent and any utilities in your name saying that you we're forced to sign under threat of violence and that you are no longer in the property and that you have reported the matter to the police.

Do NOT open any further emails from him. (Don't delete the other ones, you'll need them for evidence). Go no contact immediately. Block any avenue he might have to contact you. Block his phone, social media, check your privacy setting and make sure that he cannot contact you.

This man is dangerous. You are extremely vulnerable at this point as you have been gaslighted and manipulated. Stay strong and I hope you have a good supportive relationship with your parents. View this as day one of rebuilding your life. You deserve to have a life with happy, healthy boundaries, lived on your terms.

Thanks for the advice so far. I have spoken to the Freedom Programme who have said they can put me in touch with people who can help release me from the tenancy - 2 week wait for this.
He says he will sue me re: bills I owe, but they are all in his name.
He says I should pay him half, but surely this won’t stand in a court of law if they’re not in both names?

Keep talking to Women's aid they are used to this and will support you. He is just trying to regain control.

Do not give him any money, you are not living there. Do not answer his emails, phone calls. Get someone to write to the landlord or agency and tell them that you have moved out. Get your post redirected to your new address via Royal Mail. Keep in touch with Womens Aid /CAB. Don't listen to anything he says.

With a joint tenancy, when one party gives notice, this is effective in terminating the tenancy for both parties. Notice once given cannot legally be recinded by you so the landlord has to release you from the contract and will need to issue a new tenancy in the sole name of the remaining party if they want to. Be sure to inform all the utility companies you are moving out and take meter readings. What your partner does then is up to him. If the utility companies ask who the new tenant is, just advise you don't know, the ll has not provided you with that information.
Once you have done these things, you are no longer responsible for anything to do with the property. If the ll or agent insist you are, tell them to put it in writing, and don't bother to give them a forwarding address. Pay for a post office redirection for post. About 70 pound for the year. Good luck. It took me 6 attempts before i got rid of mine. Please don't waste your time and go on to have a good life. That's the best revenge there is.

Sorry cross post re the bills. I can see they are all in his sole name, so they are his problem not yours.