Urgent Legal Advice **Contains distressing content - Thread title edited by MNHQ**

[BigGrannyPants]

I'll try to make this short, but I'll also try not to drip feed.

Last year it came to light my DH is a paedophile and has more than likey harmed our 5 year old DD. To say that this has been a horrific year, doesn't cover it. He emotionally abused me for years, gas lighting and I just want a clean break.

I reported him immediately upon finding images on his phone and threw him out. He has not had contact with the children since.

The police investigation is ongoing although criminal charges seem unlikely at the moment, they have deemed my DD too young to interview. However social work will recommend no further contact and I am confident that this will be the case.

We have a joint mortgage which he has not contributed to since the beginning of last year, he is paying child maintenance but nothing else, we have a joint loan for a car. My solicitor says he is owed £65,000 between his share of the house and my pension. If I had to pay this to him, I would have to sell the house and this would leave me with nothing to buy another house, no deposit, me and my 2 DCs would be homeless.

How can this be right, this is his DCs home and he could throw them out on the street. I feel my solicitor is encouraging me to concede a lot to him and not thinking about how I can help my girls stay in their family home.

I am looking for blue sky, out of the box ideas, anything that means I don't have to uproot my children and complicate their lives any more. My daughter is scarred for life and I am really struggling.

Happy to answer any questions. I work full time and rely on DM and nursery/school for childcare, I am a shift worker.

Seek a second opinion. And I don’t mean on here. It doesn’t sound right but we have so little information.

Take in a (female) lodger to make more money if you need to get a loan.

I'm not an expert but I believe there's a thing called a Mescher order (or somesuch) whereby the amount owed to your ex is acknowledged but the impossibility of him getting that money without seriously damaging his children's best interests is also acknowledged - and therefore it is court-ordered that you get to keep the house only until such time as the youngest child turns 18, at which point you would need to sell.

ask a solicitor (not necessarily this one you have been seeing as they sound a bit rubbish) how to apply for such an arrangement.

I agree with Collaborate, it is hard to judge on so little info but it sounds wrong to me too.

Just to clarify - the court's first consideration will be to ensure that any children are properly housed. That's why MrsBertBibby and I feel it sounds wrong.

You need proper tea life legal advice op.

I agree with the others. Also on the pension he might get a pension sharing order on your pension for when you are 67 or whatever your retirement age is, not cash in lieu. He cannot force you to give him more cash instead of claiming on your pension. So take that bit off the 56k as you would not have to pay it right away.
That leaves his share of the house - is 56k half? Do you earn more than he does? There are a lot of relevant questions your solicitor would need to go through with you which will help clarify the sum you might have to pay to buy him out. Eg he might get a pension sharing order and only £25k of the equity or only 30% of the equity because you earn less than he does (or you might earn more - that is unclear and has a big impact) or if there is no way you can borrow more etc then as people say you may be able to keep the house and give him an agreed share when your child turns 18 or you remarry or cohabit etc.

People are forgetting the fact that his conduct is such that the court will take it in to account and may well order he receives less as a result. Won't need much if he's in prison will he?

Agree with the second opinion. Consider a delayed sale - you remain in the house with the kids until youngest turns 18/leaves full time secondary education.

But again, without full details we are flying blind. Speak to another solicitor.

Why would you want to stay in a home you shared with him that he likely abused your child in?

Get a second opinion asap from a solicitor who is more understanding of your situation and goals. I appreciate that you don't want to uproot your children but do you really want to stay linked to this man with a joint mortgage until the youngest is 18? Do you really want to stay in the home that your youngest was abused in. You may be better off working with a solicitor on damage limitation and making a reasonable but affordable offer to have a clean break.

@Notsurprisedatall

Why would you want to stay in a home you shared with him that he likely abused your child in?

Quite. Even thinking of areas at "home" I was emotionally abused is triggering, the area I was sexually assaulted triggering, the BEST thing you can do is sell the fucking thing and get somewhere new.

IANAL, but from familial experience, what Social Services mean is if you allow him anywhere near they will instigate a care order. Again, IANAL and this is familial experience over 25 years ago.

Thanks those who have given advice it really is helpful and what mumsnet does best. My decision to want to keep the house is not up for discussion, I am here for legal expertise only.

As pp have said - I'd get a second opinion. What you have been told doesn't sound right.

Also, sorry that you have had to go through this.

You may want to stay in the house but if you end up in a protracted Court battle over finances, then you may not be able to (and you may end up spending large sums of your money on legal fees).

By all means get another opinion. However, the starting point in a marriage, in terms of the assets, is 50:50. Depending on whether your soon to be ex is charged, convicted etc - it may have a bearing on things, it may not. He remains entitled to a share of the assets.

The Court may decide that the family home can be a new home that you can afford on your own. It doesn't have to be the one you're in now. Yes - you could potentially seek a Mesher Order - however, most Courts prefer clean breaks and with a Mesher Order you'd have to communicate with your husband in due course when you finally have to sell the house.

I'm sorry you're in this position but don't dig yourself into a hole and end up in debt and a worse financial situation based on what you think the law should be. Principles are expensive. If the advice is that you have to buy out his share, then so be it - work out a way to do so, or sell up and downsize. Lodgers, different job, remortgage, borrow from family.

Again, OP, get advice from a solicitor and ignore especially the more doom-laden advice on this thread. The court is highly unlikely to kick you and the children out of their home for the sake of a £65k payment.

Hi there everyone,

Sorry to hear about your situation OP, from all at MNHQ

We don't usually do this, but as this thread could be particularly distressing for some readers, we're going to add a trigger warning to the title.

OP, posting your thread in this topic doesn't preclude posters commenting on the general situation. It does mean most wont ever come across it however.

As someone with personal, and direct familial experience, your daughter is scarred for life already, and you wish to exacerbate this by keeping her in the home? If you think she's too young too remember, I can sadly tell you that you're wrong, and maintaining her in the home she was likely abused in will enhance self-harm, PTSD and complex PTSD chances significantly. Again, personal, and direct familial, experience.

@simplysteve again thanks for the input but I am not prepared to discuss this. If you have legal advice I am happy to hear it, that is all I am interested in on this post.