Any advise would be hugely appreciated 🙏🏼

[Saima29]

Hi all I’m new here 🤘🏼
I’m wondering if anyone could advise me or help at all ?
Iv got 3 children, a girl and 2 boys (8,7&6)
They were living with me until 2015 and then I had a breakdown.. it was scary and I was suicidal so I had to ask my kids dad for help to look after them while I sorted myself out. He then wanted to know why so I had to tell him everything, at the time I was in a physically Abusive relationship and would drink a lot at weekends when the kids were with their dad plus drugs were in the equation too (never around the kids)
He took me to court for a child arrangement / residency order which the court gave him back in 2015 (he was living in barnet at the time which is 20-30 minute drive from me). At first I had to have supervised contact at my parents house until I went to councelkijg and proved this. As you might know councelking waiting lists with the nhs are long so it took about a year/ 18 months until I had done all 6 sessions and proved it with a letter from the doctors. There was a time in that year where he stopped me seeing the children for 4 months which absolutely destroyed me. But I kept fighting and did everything I could to turn my life around. In 2015 I lost everything, my kids my home my car and it took a while but iv come so far since then. Iv done what court asked and more. I’m now living in a cute little flat (council) have a full time job with some lovely and supportive people Iv been driving again for the past year which has meant that Iv been able to go to every single school trip parents evening literally any opportunity where parents can go to the school Iv been there. I also have been having the children unsupervised at my flat so they have been staying over every 2nd weekend, ( Saturday afternoon till Monday morning where I’d take them back to school). Iv done as much as physically possible and more to see my kids as much as I can so they know I’m not living with them but mummy is still here and also coz I miss them terribly.
3 weeks ago he moved the kids overnight so they are now 3.5 hours away from me 1 way... 7 hours in total. I’m obviously completely against him doing this (he’s moved to be closer to his new wife who he forces my kids to call mum) and the move has been without him telling me at all.. I found out from the new school calling me to tell me my kids will be starting there 😞
Wev been to court (yday was first hearing) because I opened up a case to have the child arrangement order reviewed as there’s been times where he’s stopped me seeing the kids, but ultimately I want them back with me.
Iv seen his defense statement which is 90% lies, there’s a lot that I’m going to have to prove and disprove if I’m going to have my babies back but my question is has anyone ever been in this situation. I’m struggling to find light at the end of the tunnel and I’m struggling with this whole court stuff. This is by something I’m used it jniw how to deal with. He’s even asking me for money now knowing I’m in minimum wage and every spare penny I get I spend it going to see my babies (which is costing 3x more now there living so far away)
Literally anything would be helpful 🤕
Ps I’m representing myself in court hence the struggle 💔

Your question is very broad.

I think the best I can do is point you in the direction of guidance. Have a look at this www.mfjc.co.uk/home/mfjccou1/public_ftp/page3/page4/

Oh OP. It’s not great is it. You won’t like this question but are the kids happy and settled in their dads? Because if they are, then is there any way you could come to terms with them staying there and work with that? Because that has been the status for them since they were 2, 3 and 4 and I really wonder if the courts will feel it is anyway in their best interests to uproot them from their lives there. So unless your ex is abusive or neglectful I don’t think your chances of becoming resident parent are very good. If you really want to fight for this (and truly believe it’s the best thing for them) then I think you need a good solicitor and barrister. Representing yourself is a disaster in this sort of case.

I think if you can make peace with the kids staying in their current home, you could look for increased access. It’s complicated now with the extra distance which feels terribly unfair. But finding a way to get and facilitate more access. And working hard on your relationship with them so they know mummy is always there for them is very important for their wellbeing.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. It’s a hard position for all the mums and mostly dads that are, but their welfare is all the courts will care about. And I’m afraid based on what you’ve said above, you will need to be realistic about what will happen if you try to fight this in court.

The kids are actually not happy with Thais dad at all. They hate it and are desperate to come back and live with me. They’ve been telling me over the past few months that he hits them with a belt if they’re naughty or he will shut them in a little toilet room wiv spiders (they’re all petrified of bugs) and he’s also dressed my boys up as girls if they “behave like girls😞) I did report this to the police and social services but wen the police went round they said everything looks fine my kids are afraid of their dad and if they asked them if he hits them in front of him of course they’re gona say no they all so worried that their dad will get arrested. But I know they’re not lying coz 3 children all so young cannot come up with this story and all of them stick to it perfectly. Just because there’s no “evidence” it’s no further action. But iv got their conversations recorded so I’m hoping to bring this up in court ahd they can look into it further I hope. He was also very psychologically abusive to me wen we were tigeva and even still now he’s doing it. He controls people, owns them. He would say to me I’m disobedient! He never allows me to contact my mum but I had to call his mum twice a week to see how she was. Literally would sneak phone calls to my own mum while he was out at work. This is why I left him in the first place and now I can see he’s doing the same thing to my kids.
Thing is all this time Iv been completely at peace. Like It sucks big time but I was doing my best. I had my weekends but I would jus go see them midweek if I was missing them too much and they lived it. But since iv found out about him hitting them and punishing them the way he does... then go up and move them the way he has... he fuckin with them. He’s owning them like he use to me. That’s not parenting.

Thank you for that link very good idea x

OP, that’s serious stuff and you need proper representation. I don’t think you can play tape recordings of the kids like that I’m court, I could be wrong, but that’s why you desperately need a solicitor. I can’t believe the police didn’t take this seriously. Is there any way you could get money together? I understand that if there is domestic violence involved you can get legal aid, and it sounds like there was domestic abuse (was there any physical violence?). Please go and outlet all this to a solicitor and see if they think you have any chance of legal aid. Sounds like your kids really need you.

Iv spoken to loads of solicitors they all are really sweet and saying they wish they cud help coz it’s so bad but they charge like 150 per time that could come up to like 6/700 in total I just don’t have that kind of money spare... me unfirtunately when I was with him I didn’t have the courage back then to report him. I was hardly allowed out the house without him tbf. I was very naive and so innocent back then didn’t know much about how the world works and I’m still not great which is why I’m finding this so hard like I am literally lost. Iv got the kids with me now Iv asked my daughter to show me how he hit them with the belt... coz he wrote in his statement for court that he was getting dressed one time and his belt accidentally hit my daughter as she was going past.
When my daughter showed me she said he was wearing the belt,., took it off... wrapped it around his fist and went ktoosh! How on earth would an 8 year old know how to make that up! And it was clearly not an accident if he was wearing it took it off and wrapped it around his hand 😞 I know they’re not making this up and his lying making up ways to get himself out of it butt it’s getting it heard. And I just asked my daughter how come wen the police asked u didn’t tell him... she said bcoz they were in the same room as their step mums kids (tell tales) who would have pretty much grasses in the whole coversation if she told the officer that dad hits them. It’s so messed up I know they need to be with me not so I can keep them away from their dad coz I’d never do that because u know they’re happy and safe with me x

Where I live, you can't move over 74 miles away without the other parent's or the court's permission.

You need a solicitor. Is there noone who could help you finance it?

Susie how did U find that out ? If there’s any how I can take that to court with me ?
And no I literally hav no way of being able to pay for solicitors 🤕

It's not much help to you as I live in the US but all of our states have similar laws. You need a lawyer or solicitor ASAP. We have pro bono ones or even a "self help" desk if you can't afford one.