Don’t know where else to turn

[shellian]

Hi, I have never written on here before, I will try and be as short as I can but it’s a pretty complicated situation and I don’t know what else to do or where else to turn.
I had a relationship with a man 11 years ago, from a couple of months in it I was the victim of domestic violence but my confidence was so low from putting on a lot of weight that I allowed myself to be controlled by him. I had 2 boys with him. When I was pregnant with the youngest of the 2 he did his worst attack and put me in hospital with broken ribs and toes. I disclosed at the hospital that he did it (as all previous times I had said I had fallen on toys etc) and I rang the police. In the end I dropped the charges because I was still in love with him and he had convinced me that we should be together for the boys sake. Social services became involved and told me that if I stayed with him I risked losing my boys. Of course this is not what I wanted so I left him. After a course at women’s aid and a lot of help. I finally built a life without him. He was originally only allowed to see them in a contact centre but then it was agreed he could have them 3 weekends out of 4. This is what has happened for the last 8 years. I have made all the decisions reguarding the boys, there have been times he hasn’t seen them, he once went a year without contact cause he went and got married (his choice). Fast forward to recently (bare with me) last November the boys asked if he could come in to fix one of their toys, he has never been allowed in the house before, I said ok but once in he tried to kiss me and was trying to convince me that we should be together for the boys sake! He knew that I have had a partner for the last 6 years and I have 2 children with him. I said it wasn’t going to happen as I am a much stronger person now and I asked him to leave.
Christmas Day 2017 as usual I woke with all my children, had Xmas dinner and the boys dad came to pick them up at 2 o clock (as happened every year). Basically he did not return them. Said the boys wanted to be with him. This of course broke my heart because me and my boys had a brilliant relationship (they are 9 and 10 now). I involved social services who was involved for about 9 months cause of keep swapping social workers and them not attending appointments. They all along kept telling me that the boys should be with me. During the assessments it transpired that my ex has 2 children from a previous relationship that he’s not allowed to see due to him being violent to the mother! And also messages from his current partner saying he’s been violent to her in front of my boys. Social services said it would go to conference so that all services were involved (which of course I didn’t mind cause they had all my records over the years). This did not happen, instead I received a phone call to say that there’s nothing they can do as long as he’s feeding them and sending them to school, it’s a legal matter! I have spoken to solicitors and it’s going to cost me thousands to take him to court. They say there’s no need for mediation because of the domestic violence I suffered. My heart is broken. I still have the other children and work to carry on getting out of bed for but I feel like giving up on life, I feel like the world has gone crazy. School have stopped informing me about anything to do with the boys. I have lost all my mother rights when I have done absolutely nothing wrong. I have had an assessment on well-being and I am waiting for an appointment for cognitive behavioural therapy. Thankyou for taking the time to read this. I don’t know what to do.

As there was domestic violence you are eligible for legal aid. Up until January this year you wouldn't have qualified as the DV was more than 5 years ago. However, the rules changed in January and that time limit has been removed. You need to see a solicitor. And you should remind the school that you still have parental responsibility so they are required to give you the same information about your sons as they give to your ex.

Thankyou for your reply. I applied for legal aid and I got refused, stating the reason you said, that it had to be within 5 years of the domestic violence. I have also visited 2 solicitors and both say I cannot get legal aid. The second one did reduce her fees for me from £250 an hour to £125 an hour. As grateful as I am for this, it’s still a lot as my wages only just cover my bills every month.

He has just taken your sons? Just like that?

Can you not call the police over this issue?

What right does he have to just take your boys?

Is it not abduction?

Yes he has just taken my sons, I have contacted the police but as he is on the birth certificate for them (which I regret bitterly now) they say it is a civil matter and they cannot get involved. This is why I am struggling so much. In this day and age how can this happen that a father can just keep children away from their mum. I feel like I’m living in a parallel universe. I feel like no one will help me and I don’t know what else I can do. After all his history being there with him is not on their best interest. I fail to see how social services could have just left them there, if they had investigated his past properly then they shouldn’t have. My sister has even tried complaining to social services but all they say is they cannot over ride someone’s assessment and it was closed.

Go to the school and,pick them up and take them home with you. The ball is then in his court to take legal action. Second the Legal Aid, rules have changed and you need to try again.

If you really can’t get legal aid then I think you should just make the application to the court yourself. The application form is not that difficult. You will need to sort out the MIAM form but as you say it shouldn’t be a problem. The court will want report from the local authority and it sounds like there is a lot of documentation about his violence and that their recommendation will be for the boys to be with you. Presumably you’ve not even been seeing the boys? That’s just appalling. I’d really just make the application as soon as you can. Do you have a local CAB or advice centre that might do free advice sessions and have a family lawyer who may look over your application for you if you complete it?

Sorry I should have mentioned. While the assessments was being done, I was told that I couldn’t pick the boys up ( I don’t know why this was). They still came up to me in the playground and spoke to me and have me hugs though. Then 8 months later towards the end with yet another social worker she said I was well within my rights to get them from school. By this stage though the boys were not coming near me and even started running away from me when they saw me. The last week the younger of the 2 has been coming over to me in the playground to see his little brother but still seems rather wary. I am just so scared of what I can and cannot do. Where they are picked up from by my ex is not where I pick my other ones up from, so I can tempted to ask them at the start of the day if they want to come home with mummy, it’s not like I can just pick them up and carry them cause they are big lads. I think they younger one might but the older one won’t even come near me. This is heartbreaking and I come home and just sob. It’s hard to put into words, I hope you are following what I’m saying but he has well and truly turned them against me. The hardest thing is not knowing how he has done it. Like I’ve said I have a good relationship with all my children, there are 10 months age gap between the boys and I’ve raised them on my own. It’s beeb hard but they had everything they could want and all the love they could want which is why I’m struggling to hard to understand.

Meanwhile keep showing your boys you care and love them. Keep being there. Show them your love. Be persistent.

Lilyfire, thankyou for your reply. I can apply to the court myself. I believe the application fee is £215. But then after I would have to represent myself in court to keep the cost down. I wouldn’t have the first clue how to do that. It’s catch 22 at the minute cause I am so low and down that it’s affecting my day to day life ( I just burst out crying) but yet that could affect me in court if they think I am mentally unstable to look after them?

Thankyou Cobblersandhogwash, I will not give up. 2 parts of my heart are missing and I will not rest until it’s filled. I will always be there for them and always Show how much I love them.

The rules on legal aid changed in January. You are now entitled to legal aid even though the domestic violence was more than 5 years ago. Provided you have the required proof you can get legal aid. Please see a solicitor.

Thankyou, I will certainly give it another go. You have all been so helpful, thankyou so much.

It isn't in social services remit to say who the boys will live with. I'm surprised this has gone on for almost a year as the status quo is now that they live with their Dad. By going to court the worse case scenario will be you will be granted regular contact( unless there are other things you havent mentioned that are not in the best interests of your children) I would apply first thing Monday and then look into legalitarian I'd again.

Legal aid is also means tested which may be why you're not eligible.

However, you should not let this stop you making an application. The Personal Support Unit (www.thepsu.org) can help with the application process.

You may also want to contact the Bar Pro Bono Unit (www.barprobono.org.uk). They won't be able to help with making the application but they may be able to provide a barrister to represent you at any hearings.

Because of all the cuts to legal aid, family courts are very used to dealing with litigants in person and judges will go out of their way to make it as understandable as possible.

www.nofamilylawyer.co.uk may also be worth a look. It includes some YouTube videos that explains the process.

Thankyou for your replies. I will look into anything suggested as I am desperate now. There is no reason why I should not get access to my children. We was a normal family, they were happy and healthy children, I raised them on my own and then all of a sudden he’s allowed to take them away from me. I applied for legal aid and they said no. When I saw the solicitor she looked at what I earned and she said I wouldn’t be entitled to it but she was willing to reduce her rate to £125 an hour. This is still a lot of money to find. Basically to start the court process I will need £415. This to me is a lot of money. She did say that we wouldn’t need to do mediation because of the domestic violence.