Help! Im terrified ex will take ds

[Justme1981]

Please can anyone help? Im posting here for legal opinion, also posted on divorce board. We separated 11th nov, agreed child arrangements for ds 22 months old, he changed his mind, then we re agreed same thing later that week which i put in writing (with ex mon/tues i pick up tues from nursery pm, ex collects weds am i pick up thurs pm, ive offered time at weekends when hes not working which was declined this weekend as he went out) . I work through the week & changed my working pattern to accomodate arrangements, (as long as i do 37.5hours its fine to do them anytime within reason) he works weekends fri-sun 6am-6pm. This morning he was livid picking ds up, he says he wants him mon- thurs as i work, & that im dening him access to ds, im not i really want him to have a good relationship with ds, he recorded me on his phone & kept saying im dening him access i said im not & repeated what we agreed, he says as he didnt reply to the email its not an agreement. However he wrote it down & i have a pic of this. I now dont know if ds will be in nursery for me to collect tomorrow or not, i let him take ds as he said i was kidnapping him if i didnt, im at my wits end, ive booked my mediation appt tomorrow morning, & my solicitor is aware of the situation. I doubt mediation will work, i think we are going to need a court order just because he keeps changing his mind.
Does anyone know if the court would give him residency as i work in the week? Im terrified of losing ds & dont want to see him just at weekends.

HELP please help, im a mess

The court will look at what is best for your son. They won't decide that your son should live with your ex just because you work in the week.

Thank you, i think im massively freaking out & my logical brain has left me!

I need an impartial opinion - do you think im denying him access with the agreement we have made?

You certainly aren't denying him access. I'm not entirely clear how much contact he has, though, so can't comment on whether the court would think he should have more. Do you have a solicitor? If so you should take their advice.

Hi

He has ds all day mon, mon night, takes to nursery tuesday, then weds all day to thursday evening, so 4 days 2 nights, ive offered time at weekends which has so far been declined.
Hes sending lots of messages telling me im being unreasonable, its horrible.

Hold your wits about you.
Sad and cruel as it may seem, his chopping and changing is not about your childs’s welfare, it’s all about messing with your head.

So, I would suggest to stop all verbal contact, have everything in writing (email).

Now, think of it like this: he is working, and decided when he can have DS. You are just as entitled to decide.
You are putting your child’s welfare most and foremost, even though that means you have absolutely no time off without your DS. Your H is putting his job first.

No, he cannot take your child away from you and gain sole custody.

And no, he is not messig with you anymore.
He left, I pressume. Don’t give him any contact till a court order is in place and quote the threats, the worry, the dissruption in your son’s life. Your solicitor will be able to advise you better.
But bottom line is: no, he won’t win sole custody and yes, he is dojng all this to mess with your head. Don’t let him, you need to look after your son, not deal with yourH’s temper tantrums.
Inform the nursery you’ve separated and make it clear to them when it’s ok for the dad to pick him up etc.

Thank you, that is really good advice, im exhausted by it all, hes positioning me as the aggressor - ive had more texts & an email tonight, im off to mediation in the morning, my solicitor has advised she thinks mediation is unlikely to work due to how he is being, but im scared to go to court. Its exhausting.

Just, I think the hardest part of the separation has been about me getting my head around what was going on. We go in a ‘protect the child at all cost’ mode. We leave ourselves vulnerable because we think ‘surely he loves his child just as much as I do’, when often the reality is that they don’t, they love themselves more. Much more.
The other aspect is ‘well, he left, why would he still want to punish me/mess with my head etc.’ To this I have no answer. Most likely is that they want to continue the pattern of abuse/control ....I don’t know, it’s all fucked up and I havent’t got time to analyse his shit, not my problem anymore.
We think that they, like us, will always put the children first and behave like civilised grown ups, with responsabilities etc. What I found is that they’re giant toddlers, really.

One thing I promise you. It will get better. Much much better. You’ll see how much easier is to parent and run the house without him. How much more order, calm and happiness you’ll find.

Look after yourself. Just because he sends messages it doesn’t mean you have to read them. If they’re important enough he’ll rephrase and drop the attitude.

You can withdraw contact till the courts decide what’s best for your son, you are being abused and manipulated and that’s not using your child as a weapon, it is protecting yourself.

Thank you, its so hard isnt it? I really wanted to keep things amicable, for ds's sake. I really dont understand the change in attitude & why he feels the agreement we had no longer stands. In my logical, rational moments i can see hes trying to bully & manipulate me - doesnt make it easier to deal with though!