Is this what to expect in court?

[Bedfordbelle]

I've posted previously about my ex. NC here in case this is outing.

I've been to court several times regarding contact arrangements because my abusive ex is so unreasonable. Everyone I have spoken to over several years - solicitors, barristers, Women's Aid, friends, family, acquaintances - has always been surprised by the level of his unreasonableness and lack of understanding of what might be best for DC. I know these people are likely to be biased but no one has ever suggested to me, over many years, that I should change my thinking or that I am unreasonable (except ex of course). I'm a very fair person. I want what's best for my DC.

However, every time I go to court I am made to feel I'm doing something wrong and it's my fault we're there. Solicitors and barristers have told me that although they address both parties the court is directing their disapproval at him. Is this what happens to everyone?

I am exhausted with it and wish that they would tell him directly he's out of order instead.

Does the fact they address both parties mean they really do think I'm in the wrong? They have historically ruled in my favour every time.

I don't know what more I can do to be reasonable except give into each and every one of his proposals which I can't as they aren't based on what my DC need or want and yes, that is my opinion but it's an opinion that has been supported by everyone I've taken advice from.

Bump

Have experience of this. It’s very frustrating/upsetting. Have had to console myself with the fact that at the end of the day, it’s the order that matters. It’s exhausting though, I know.

If he’s repeatedly making applications you could consider asking your solicitor about a 91.14 order. This means he has to apply for permission to make an application so could put him off.

He's not hit the threshold yet where they would see it as vexatious. That's because I do everything I can to keep it out of court.

It makes me angry to sit there and be told I am not thinking about DC though when that couldn't be further from the truth. Unless they spell it out to him he will never accept he's done anything wrong and this will go on. It's such a stupid system.

Even if Court Orders are issued how effectively can they be enforced?

What’s your point, MTBA?

Point is what is the value of a Court Order if people can ignore and get away with it.

I believe judges are very keen to show balance. In my experience if they award in favour of one party they tend to give a lecture ahead of the order so they can appear balanced.

From cases over the last few years I believe contact has been weighted too far in the favour of the parents rather than the child.
Courts seem to swing in one direction too far and then back again. Currently there is a trend to blame mums if the Dad has a poor relationship with his children. Thd reality is Dads who do not priortise their children are solely responsible.

In the past children did tend to lose all contact with fathers after separation so society/courts wanted to see a change but it is now at the detrinent to children.

Hang on in there...remember when the children get to 11/12 years old their views count and courts can't enforce contact...they will still blame mum but at least the children are protected.

In the past children did tend to lose all contact with fathers after separation so society/courts wanted to see a change but it is now at the detrinent to children

How is to the detriment to children not to lose all contact with fathers?

The thing is I am not restricting contact and have never tried to because I understand how the system works. I don't consider my ex to be a good father. He is emotionally abusive towards DC. At the same time I know that the courts don't care about that so there is nothing I can do. We have arrangements that would be considered more than fair by most people.

When we end up in court it is because ex wants to organise contact around what works for him and not what works for DC.

It does sometimes feel that the courts want it balanced at any cost. In theory they care about what is best for the child but they expose children and parents to a lot of unnecessary heartache by not being stricter. That's my view.

I feel will end up back in court because it isn't a sufficient deterrent to ex. He achieves his goal of punishing me. He doesn't get rulings in his favour but walks away unscathed and ready to do it again in the future.

This happened to me for the first few years, and I had to bow my head and accept criticism for what was deemed our joint failure to agree. Eventually it went on long enough so that the judges started being clear about where the blame lay and a section 91(14) order was imposed (on us both).

It's galling, but keep reminding yourself that you don't want your ex to be able to seize on any judicial comments that could be interpreted as biased.