What can only be described as a complete mess

[ConcernedDaddy1]

Hi All,

First time poster so please bare with me if it’s completely muddled but it’s also a bit of a crazy situation and pretty long! This may also be in the wrong forum so I apologise

I have been in a relationship for over 4 years. My partner already had a son and I was introduced into his life at the age of 2. I took him on as my own and he calls me daddy. It had always been difficult as she is as stubborn as a mule and always wanted control when down to disciplining our little boy.. despite wanting me to be the father figure she would always undermine me athority which lead to arguments. Me and partner went through some tough times but we always found our way back to each other. In April this year she gave birth to the most beautiful little girl! During this time we were living at my parents house to save money to buy or rent ourselves.

My partner found it difficult living there and during this time she was very rude and offensive to my parents which meant living there was tough. I’ll be honest I maybe didn’t help as I had my own mental health issues that meant I was hiding my problems from her because she hadn’t been very understanding in the past.

During this time our little boys behaviour had become progressively worse (he’d always had these problems) my partner took him to the GP at the age of 2 but they couldn’t diagnose anything. However he had become physically aggressive, having moments where he was a danger to himself and others around him. He would punch while we were holding our daughter, hang out of windows, throw furniture the works!! At this stage we were unsure as to the reason and blamed it on food intolerances. This caused even more problems as my partner would always back our son up despite the things he’d done.

One evening things came to a head... he was uncontrollable. He was putting everyone in danger, he gave my mum a black eye and was punching and kicking everyone in sight. He punched me which made me hit the floor. I shouted as no one was helping me and my partner phoned the police which was a complete and utter overreaction, I think this was mainly down to us not being able to control our son.

That night my partner left with my son and daughter and went to live with her mum. We have stayed in constant contact because I still love her unconditionally and cannot bare to be without them. I’ve shouldered all the blame and have turned my life around completely! I’ve tried so hard to win her back! I’ve provided for everything, doubled the money she requested for support and just genuinely been there at every turn.

During this time another man had become involved and she had become infatuated. She is constantly messaging him, even when she is bottle feeding our daughter she would hold the bottle in one hand and message in the other, she even stopped reading to her one day so she could message him. He has become the centre of her universe. She would make real urgent trips to the shops and take him, she’s changed her whole personality and has become really nasty. She has even started taking our son to a social club on a Friday and Saturday night (a place she refused to set foot in 6 months ago) and it results in her bringing him back at 1am most weekends and even 3:30am this is after taking him to this mans house after the club shut. She says that it’s because he goes to play with this mans little boy but it’s all a front for seeing this man herself.

Anyway one evening three weeks ago I was on the phone and she was saying how bad our sons behaviour was and that she may need help.. this is when my world changed. During that phone call our son had gone to the ore boiled tap in the house and proceeded to throw boiling water on our 6 month old daughter. The screams I heard will live with me forever! She was rushed to A&E and suffered burns which look as though will scar her for life. It was then that safeguarding etc got involved and it was now looked upon that our son had something more serious going on.

I spent my time staying with her at her mums house and we had police protection turn up and say that she must not be left on her own with him. I have been here for nearly a month.

During the time my ‘partner’ continued to flaunt this new man around me, even taking the opportunity to take our son the the social club every weekend to ‘play’, taking him back to this mans house at 3am and then blaming the fact on her being late on our sons behaviour and that e wouldn’t leave. She’s even become a taxi service for this man to take him to pick his own son up from his mothers on a Friday. It has got so bad that our son will cry for this man and when we ask why it’s becahse he’s his dad apparently. Now this new man has a drink driving conviction, spends his evenings drinking at this social club, has two children by two different mums, can’t hold a job down oh and is a pothead. Someone who she wouldn’t have touched with a barge pole 6 months ago.

Yesterday we had a visit from the long term social worker. It was mentioned that our son may be on the spectrum, has difficulty managing relationships and struggles with feelings. The social worker explained that it may be good for my ‘partner’ to spend time one to one with him and yesterday evening was the perfect chance. She needed to go to buy our daughter some bigger baby gro’s and thought taking him then treating him to some food was perfect. I agreed completely.

Our son asked if I was going becahse he wanted me to and she said no because it’s just me and you and I thought it would be a good idea.

Sounds great in practice but in reality what she has done was time it so that she could pick this new man up, take him to pick his son up and then go shopping with him. Not to spend time with our son at all. Despite making out to everyone that she was doing it for his benefit it seems as though it was all for hers.

When I confronted her about it (I knew because our son told me) she told me that he was her son and she could do what she wanted and that she was spending time with him one to one and she could do whatever she liked as she is 29 years old.

I’m starting to get really concerned about her judgment and her behaviour and how that will then effect our daughter because right now it seems as though the children are not her priority or even if they are this new man has got equal status. As the saying goes get your house in order before adding new furniture well she’s bought a new tv, sofa and dining table without even having a house!

I don’t know what to do, do I make an anonymous call to the social worker to voice my concerns or do I do nothing?

I really need some advice, my heart is breaking on a daily basis!

I would think you would be well advised to get some legal advice about your own daughter as it sounds as though she is in a risky situation and needs to be protected. I appreciate you are worried about your partners sob and whilst you care about him you have no parental responsibility for him and your primary responsibility is to your daughter.

Sadly, I agree with Lonecat. You don't have parental responsibility for the boy, so you can't step in and deal with that situation, and SS are already involved. Phoning up and saying "she said she would spend 1:1 time but instead she went with her bloke" really isn't going to achieve much. You need to ensure that you are a good role model for both children and that your DD is protected, as you have PR for her.

So the little boy is 6? I think you need to accept you are now separated and arrange your life accordingly. Could you look after your daughter full time? Would the mother consent to this?

You would have a good case to apply for residency for your daughter, as clearly she is at seriously at risk from the boy. It sounds as though he resents his baby sister. It would probably be best to separate them. Hopefully you've got family support to help you through this.

You should definitely phone the social worker and inform him/her of your concerns, but why you think it should be done anonymously is beyond me.

You are a significant person in this child's life - 4 years is a LOT of time in the life of a 6 year old - and as such you clearly have an interest in his welfare and safety, not to mention that of your own child. Having lived with him and parented him for four years, and clearly accepted him as your child, you are more than entitled to voice your concerns to the social worker. It doesn't matter that your relationship with his mother is over, his mother also happens to be the mother of your biological child too, so your opinion on her behaviour and care of the children (both, not just the boy) are obviously going to be of major interest to you, and the social worker cannot fail but to be interested in your views about the situation.

Don't delay - let the social worker know as soon as possible that you do not think the mother's current behaviour is in the child's best interests.

If you think your daughter may be at risk, you should also speak to the social worker about the possibility of her being moved to your care whilst the issues with the son are resolved/investigated.

So you are basically the nanny.

You need to leave (if you have PR take your daughter) and then get residency for your daughter.

I should add the proviso...that the above advice is on the basis of there being no safeguarding reasons for you not to have either child in your care.

I'm curious as to how a 6 year old's behaviour became so threatening and violent as to cause injury to several adults. If your ex could remove herself and the children he must have been controllable. Was this situation really unprovoked? Whose idea was it to live with your family? Unless you adopted her ds you have no pr. Are you on your dd's birth certificate?

LIZS

I have been in schools were a child has kicked off, hurting adults and children, throwing around furniture yet will leave when the person that they have asked for turns up.

It can happen.

I don't deny it could happen but I wonder if we have the full story as to what triggered this.

I think you need to accept you are separated and she is seeing someone else.

Thr fact she is is a constant thread in your post, for you it clearly boils down to she has someone else and you will not accept it.

She can have someone else. That's her choice.i suggest fighting for shared custody for your daughter. The son is not yours.

LIZS

We only even get one side of the story. Some though are believed quicker than others.

You need legal advice and to speak with your social worker - your daughter needs to be your priority and if that means getting full custody and moving in with your parents then that's what you need to do. If her ds is autistic then it could explain some behaviour but not in full, parenting an autistic child is hard (I know I am) but bad behaviour is still bad behaviour.

Best wishes

Concerned,

Reading your other thread, I have no idea why you want your ex back. She wanted a father figure, then undermined you. She then lived with your parents and insulted them. And now she is prioritising a new relationship over her children, one possibly with ADHD and the other with life changing burns. What do you see in her?!

You need to focus on keeping your own child safe and, if concerned, giving social services enough information about your ex stepson. The only question should be how you guarantee your daughters safety. Is full custody the answer or somehow otherwise supporting what happens when she is with your ex? Have you thought about this?

ASD not ADHD (although maybe both..)

You really need to speak to your social worker with these concerns

Is the little boy’s (birth) dad anywhere on the scene? If I were you, priority number one would be getting your baby daughter into a safe environment with you.

Have you adopted her son? You need to prioritise your daughter, as hard as that is.

You really need to tell the social worker what you have said here. Taking a 6 year old to a 'social club' till 3 am (then to other mans house) is completely unacceptable and huge safegaurding alarm bells are ringing tbh. The social worker NEEDS to know.

A child with autism needs routine, predictability and he is not getting it right now. From what you have written, you are right to be concerned about ypur ex's judgement. Unfortunatley, unless there is anything saying other wise (legal document) you dont have PR for her son which is why you must make social worker fully aware.

As pp has said, unless there are safeguarding reasons why you cant have your lg full time and you have parental rights, the best thing you can do is see a lawyer and see how you can take things forward.

I would get legal advice to get out and take your daughter with you. I think she should make an anonymous call to SS as your ex is exacerbating the situation. She is partially at fault fir your dd getting hurt.

Who suggested it was best that you were staying there for that month?

I spent my time staying with her at her mums house and we had police protection turn up and say that she must not be left on her own with him. I have been here for nearly a month.

Thats from your previous thread. I'm genuinely curious to know whats changed in respect if your daughters safety?

Apologies, wrong thread