Drama since my fiancé died

[Firstmom264]

I didn’t really know what to put as a title so I’m going to try and put as much detail in as I can. Basically 19 months ago my fiancé and babies dad committed suicide when my son was 20 months old. Ever since then his family and friends have blamed me for his death his parents have harassed me, wrote horrible things online and there had been no communication for over a year. They know where I live but because the harassment and online bullying got so bad the police gave them a warning not to contact me or come to my house. However today I’ve revived a letter from a mediation centre saying that they want to try mediation and then go on to court to see my son. I don’t know much about grandparents rights or what happens in a family court.. my son hasn’t been involved with them for over a year now and to him they are strangers... I know for a fact that if they were granted access they would try and tell my son all kinds of lies to turn him against me. What can I do? Do they have rights to him?

Contact the mediator and explain, with details, why you are NC with the paternal grandparents.

Tell them all about the police involvement, with incident numbers if you have them and politely decline any attempt at contact.

Grandparents have no rights to contact with grandchildren.

I agree that it is a scare tactic and should be view as a threat and a continuation of their harassment. Do you have a contact with the police who has dealt with the harassment issue? I would report it to them, it seems they are in breach of instructions not to contact you.

I would also contact the police. Then reply to the mediator and let them know about past police involvement and that you have notified the police of the current request.

What pallisers said - let the mediator know about the harassment and that they have been warned to stay away from you. I would put together all the documentation (police paperwork, list of incidents in a timeline etc) to show why you do not wish to have contact with them. Be sure to stress that your son does not know them or have any relationship with them - I think grandparents are usually granted access to grandchildren when they have a long standing relationship and involvement in their lives.

It’s an independant mediator... not exactly a formal letter by any means. My dad said it’s a scare tactic

your dad is exactly right. listen to him.

you have no obligation to respond to this mediator - none at all. What they probably want is for you to respond with something so they have fodder for their case. Maybe they want to see your son for genuine reasons. Or maybe they want to see your son because they see it as a way to harrass and upset you. I know which I would bet on.

If I were you I would not respond but would go to a solicitor and pay for a consultation about this.

I wouldn't think any professional person in the field of mediation would only provide a mobile number tbh. I would expect a name, a business address, professional qualification and landline.
I wouldn't use a tradesperson who only provided a mobile number. They could be anybody.

Exactly as PP said - if only a mobile number has been provided, it could be anyone writing the letter (eg a friend of the grandparents, etc). If you have a contact person at the police or a lawyer yourself, I would get them to respond on your behalf if possible. In case it is just another harassment attempt.

Can you find out a little more about the mediation centre. If you are unhapptpy with what you find, suggest an official one (Social services?, not really sure what they are called).

If not, write a polite notice back citing evidence of the abuse you have received.

I agree with the above comments that official bodies would have properly letter headed paper with contact details, telephone numbers, addresses etc, and usually a land line as well as mobile.

I’d contact the police and tell them they’re contacting you again.

Ignore it sweetheart.

Do not respond with explanations and accounts of what has been happening, they’ll just suck you in to a protracted and pointless round of correspondence and make your life hell.

It’s another form of harassment. Your Dad is quite right, listen to him.

Sadly I have far too much experience of this type of behaviour.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, but try not to give them airtime in your head.

How awful for you. Definitely report this.

I am sorry you have had such a hard time, and totally understand why this has hit you so hard.

Grandparents do not have an automatic right to apply to the court for access (contact) but would usually be given leave. The first step to enable them to make the application is to attend a meeting about mediation (known as a MIAM) and it is often from this that the offer of mediation comes.

There is no compulsion on you to reply to this letter, or attend mediation (and
I get why this would not work for you at all) but you should be aware that this may genuinely be their first step on the road to court. Just in case they do persue it my instinct would be to at least contact the mediator to explain so they can’t present a picture that you have just dug your head in the sand.

Agree it is just a scare tactic.
Do they have plenty of money? It is likely to cost them thousands if they decide to go down the legal route and that is before they even get as far as a court. I am almost sure legal aid does not cover this. In fact does legal aid still exist?

Grandparents don't have AUTOMATIC rights but they do have routes they can go down to try and gain those rights BUT in order to be in with a hope of getting anywhere they also are expected to have a prior significant relationship with the grandchild concerned which it doesn't sound like they do.

Also VERY unusual for a mediation service to use a mobile number. In this day and age it would be very easy for someone to copy and paste their letterhead and replace with a different phone number. Have you changed your number to prevent them calling you by any chance?

Google the service and see what number is on the official website to check. Even contact the service yourself if it is a different number. IF they really have heard from your fiances family you can then tell them that due to harassment and abuse that necessitated police involvement you are not interested in any mediation.

I would also recommend contacting the officers who dealt with that as this could be more harassment.

You do not deserve any of this.

Was your fiancé on the birth certificate? If so I'm not sure how that might affect matters.

So sorry for your loss and that you're having to deal with all this nonsense in addition!!

Grandparents in this situation can apply to the court for a child arrangements order, but first, they have to get permission (leave) from the court to do so.

The relevant law is s10 (9) Children Act 1989. The court must consider the following factors

(a)the nature of the proposed application for the section 8 order;
(b)the applicant’s connection with the child;
(c)any risk there might be of that proposed application disrupting the child’s life to such an extent that he would be harmed by it

If they get leave that doesn't mean they get to see your son. That will decided based on his best interests.

Frankly, it's incredibly hard to predict the outcome. They certainly haven't helped their case so far. But before your loss, what were they like? Can you conceive of a re-set, where they have love and support to offer your son? The family court likes to focus on the future, sometimes rather unrealistically in cases of serious abuse, imo. But that is an important question for you to think over, painful as it will be.

Good luck.

I would doubt very much that a mediation service would only have a mobile phone number to contact, after all they would need an office space for the meeting to take place.

I think this is just another way via a 3rd party to harass you. Please speak to the police for advice.

If you do contact the number (and I wouldn't) I would ask your dad to do it for you and I would withhold his phone number.

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP.

I can't give too much information as would be very outing but a family member has been through this with grandparents.

They did actually take the children's mother to court following mediation & were granted access. However this was only with the mother present & was arranged to take place once a fortnight in a neutral location - in this case a local children's attraction (soft play).

After the first two visits they stopped turning up.... which leads to the conclusion that it was purely another way for them to bully here & they lost all interest when it didn't turn out being to their ideal.

I would contact citizens advise or similar in your situation I think.

OP I’m very sorry for your loss and all the subsequent sadness and stress you have experienced. Did you know your partners parents at all well in the past? Can you determine were they both equally difficult? If the grandmother was less aggressive it might be a tactic to only agree to mediation with her alone if it does turn out to be obligatory.

Before applying to family court they have to show they have tried to resolve with you via mediation. By ignoring or calling and refusing they will obtain the letter needed to prove court with the evidence that they've tried and so can go straight to court.

I don't want to hurt you, but have you considered that they may be a very clever game.

And if they got a good solicitor who pulled on the heart strings of court they could present a case that looks totally different to how you see it ......

Your honour :
They (grandparents) were distraught after the loss of their son ......and they were only trying to contact OP...... and they didn't mean to upset her ...and it was her who put up all the barriers .......and when they tried to contact mediation.......OP
didn't even respond and look she's blocked them every way ..... (oh my heart bleeds) and all they ever wanted was to see their lovely grandson....

If your not careful, A totally different picture can be presented. And sound believable!!

And how would they spin the police warnings for harassment then? OP do what others have suggested and report this to the police too.

I think you should get proper legal advice. If possible and it gets worse try and change yours and children’s names and move away.

The advice from the lawyers above is the right advice to consider from the legal side. Grandparents do have limited rights (and in fact if you were a grandparent you would probably be glad there is at least potential to apply to see a grandchild). You could offer them to start with say going to their house on Boxing Day with your own parents there and the baby for say 2 hours if you can bear it. I haven't read other threads. They may have been very upset when their son died and not been in their right minds through grief so I would not necessarily cut them out of your son's life for the next 30 years.

Or just don't reply but it might proceed to a court hearing with more contact ordered than you otherwise might negotiate.

Lawyer here (as is MrsBertBibby). I suggest you don’t make any offer of contact (at least for now). Make them have to apply for leave, and contest that. If you offer them contact at this stage, as advised above, they will start to build up an existing relationship, which is a building block to getting leave to apply.

Glad there are some lawyers providing advice.
So report to police.
Reply to mediator with a ‘no’ due to previous threats.
Seek legal advice.
Good luck