Enforcing Contact when child refuses

[eve34]

Hoping someone has some advice. Although will seek legal advice further

Ds who is 12. Is refusing to see his dad. We separated at the beginning of the year. He moved in with ow quickly.

Both children are sleeping in their room at contact weekend. Ds said he wasn't comfortable. And over nights stopped for few weeks. He goes eow.

Ex is now demanding he stays over

Ds is saying he will have to drag him there. He is not going

Ex will not take this well and has a history of a heavy handed approach.

Ss were involved a while back as ds raised issues with school and safeguarding kicked in. But was quickly resolved with phone conversations. Ex isn't neglectful. But there is poor parenting going on. And ds is fed up of being let down.

Ds is also a bit lazy and likes to be at home as all his comforts are here.

I have never spoke badly about his dad. Always said he loves and misses him. And encourage him to go. Etc but ex actions speak louder than my words

I know this is about to cause a shit storm and have recently arranged cms as money wasn't being paid. And this hasn't gone down well.

Thank you

Is there a court order in place?

Can your DS say what would need to happen before he resumes contact? When you say sleeping in their room do you mean your children are sleeping in the same room as their Dad and his gf?

If it went to court your DS would be listened to. Honestly who can make a 12 year old go anywhere they really don't want to go.

Speak to your child honestly and explain the face that he really ought to be going, but that one can force him.

If he’s definitely sure he no longer wants to go, you need to file an application in court for contact. But this time to cease contact.

You can’t simply ignore a court order, but you can apply to vary it.

You won’t need a lawyer, you can do it yourself, and CAFCASS can meet with your son to find out his wishes and feelings.

You can explain this to your exH and he hopefully will agree to back off, before the courts get involved.

Thank you for the replies. No we have an informal agreement. So no court order. We settled into eow routine. With some variations between us for work etc

Yes both kids are sleeping on the floor next to ex and ow. But there is no where else for them to sleep. It is a houseshare. So although not ideal. There isn't any other options

Ex has just been rubbish parent. Sat in pub. And not really doing anything with kids. But this has changed recently and they went outlast few contacts. But ds feels he doesn't care. Is t interested in him. No contact between visits and just low level bad parenting. That social services felt wasn't worth investigating. Which I get. They have more serious situations to deal with

Ex is a difficult man. And is angry at me as I refuse to be friends. And have set very clear boundaries in place. And now have involved cms. So this is going to kick off whatever I do.

Sorry. Ds is point blank saying I'm not going. I have asked how he wants contact to look. And what would work for him.

His answer is I want a judge to tell him I'm not going again. @MissMalice

That doesn’t sound suitable to me at all. I’m generally of the position that contact should take place somehow except in the worst cases but this is very poor parenting. Social services won’t step in as your children are safe with you. That doesn’t mean they think his parenting is acceptable.

Why can’t he afford a proper house/flat? Is he unable to work?

That's not an acceptable sleeping arrangement and no wonder your DS doesn't want to go. Your ex sounds horrible. Is your DD older or younger? I'm guessing the latter. What will it mean for her if your DS stops going? You are under no obligation to send him if there's no court order. If your ex files to court, your DS will be listened to. The closer he is to 13, the better, as far as court goes.

In a houseshare Absolutely fucking not on. No Judge would allow that ffs. I’d refuse overnights for both children until he has an appropriate home for them to stay in.

No. And I say that as the OW !

No way should your children be subjected to this.

Your ex decision to moving in to a house share with his girlfriend are not for your children to be subjected to at such close quarters. Talk about pushing it in their faces.

My (now) DH and I moved in together quickly but I moved out on contact weekends until he could afford a two bedroom house and our arrangements weren't in their face.

I would stop it immediately. If he feels that strongly he will find a place of his own .

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know the situation is not ideal. And have just kept my peace. But ds has had enough and I respect that. Dd is 6. And is obviously less aware.

Ex has little self awareness around the children and their needs and expects them to 'toe the line'

I don't know how it will sway with dd if ds stops going. She adores her dad. But also very clingy with me.

As for affording his own place. You would think with their joint income being what it is they have more than ample to get own place. But his finances are a shambles. To the point I gave him £50 on ds birthday so he could take him out and not let him down again.

Well eve you need to stop rescuing him .

You can take a child out for very little . We are on budget this week despite it been half term we have spent £5 we wouldn’t normally.

The rest said . I would not be supporting forcing a 12 year old to stay overnight .

I really don't think a 12 yo can or should be forced to have contact. It sounds like you have done what you can in encouraging contact, now you ex needs to step up. And thats before the completely inappropriate sleeping arrangements are considered. Let the ex take you to court if he wants to force the issue.

I would get the contact sorted out via a court. I would take advice on the best way forward bearing in mind your DS doesn’t want to go. You can get a baby barrister to represent you for hundreds £, not thousands £ and you should consider this. DH could see the children but without the sleeping arrangements. A day visit. I think you should ensure contact works for your children.

Your children are young and, as you say sometimes tselfish and short term comforts/ease, can dominate their thinking. I believe your DS is too young to understand the long term implications of such a decision.
Can you negotiate a compromise where they go for the day but don’t stay overnight while the accommodation is so unsuitable?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. Ds is going for the day only Saturday and I have promised ds we will review his feelings after visit and seek legal advice if he still feels the same

I have been able to have a slightly more frank discussion with ex and he is more aware of ds needs. But this can change quickly.

Although I agree a more formal arrangement would beneficial I know ex will see it as an attack on him. Rather than a positive and impartial process to support the children.

Well, yes he might see it as an attack on him but you are not stopping contact. This situation is not all about your ex’s needs and wants. Your DS will come first and the overnight situation isn’t acceptable. It’s good he’s decided to see his Dad for the day. See if that can work for both of them. Hope it does!

I would be reluctant to take the legal route in this case.

My reason court awards over night contact ex then uses the it’s court ordered card. It will only be an order when he has to be available not the other way around

@Starlight345 Thank you. That is my concern. That ex will use it that way.

Ex was meant to come last night and spend some time talking to ds about his feelings. He was over an hour late and said he was taking them both to fire works instead.

He doesn't understand ds was geared up for big chat not jolly outing with ex and his girlfriend. So he refused to go. Ex shouted and told him he was going. Ds upset and didn't go. Now refusing to go today.

Ex doesn't see how his actions aren't helping. He let ds down again. Showed him he wasn't a priority and kicked off when ds refused to go.

So another fun packed day today.

Sleeping arrangements are totally unsuitable. I don’t blame your DS for refusing to go. I wouldn’t want to sleep on a cold hard floor either, and I wouldn’t allow either of your DC to do it. Especially not in the same bedroom as OW which is totally inappropriate!

I’m afraid I’d tell ExH that there will be no further overnight contact until suitable arrangements are in place, ie proper beds in a separate room. Let him take you to court if he doesn’t like it.

He sounds like a selfish self centred arsehole. It’s all about him and what he wants , isn’t it ? He can’t understand it from his son’s point of view.

His father is going to end up completely alienating him .

Cani suggest you document all this .

If he takes you to court at least you have dates and times

Your poor son is crying out for his useless dad to show him a tiny bit of consideration. Maybe a break from contact for a few weeks will give ds time to think it over?

The sleeping arrangements are completely inappropriate and I don't think either child should have to stay over unless they have a proper place to sleep. I say this as a stepmum. I wouldn't expect my dsc to stay over if I hadn't bothered to provide a proper bed and their own space for them.

Again. Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Ex makes me feel like I'm the unreasonable one. Can't imagine how ds feels. He can be very manipulative.

No word from him as yet. I'm waiting until ten then going out. I've had to cancel my plans for today not that ex gives my arrangements any thought

@Starlight345 yes. I have been keeping notes from the start. It doesn't paint a great picture. Sadly.