My teen doesn’t want to live with me anymore

[Fairy8963]

Hi,
I need some advice please! I have 2 kids with my ex, 14 and 8. Been divorced 5 years. Kids always see dad, 2 nights a week and holidays etc. Never stopped him and actually encourage it. He is a very unreasonable man and we’ve had many arguements, the last one resulted in me getting a non molestation order against him (emotional, verbal and physiological abuse) now that is in place he refuses to communicate with me at all, he is allowed to the order doenst prohibit contact. He pays a solicitor to handle everything!!! Most of our disagreements come about money, he’s self employed, cooking his books, pays a pittance child support , the usual. Now the CMS are investigating his business for fraud and it hasn’t gone down well with him.
My 14 year old is a daddy’s girl but we always had a strong relationship until she hit her teens. She has massive anger and emotional problems and I’m seeking medical help for her, as all signs point to adhd. This help has been slow going tho, and nothing that her dad has wanted to get on board with.

Cut a long story short- she came home last week and we had a huge row about something and it ended up with her storming out. Her behaviour was off the scale and I admit I didn’t deal with it well. Since then she has made the decision to go live with her dad. No warning, no previous talk about it. Said she’s wanted it for ages and is fed up of being in the middle of our fights (I agree, she shouldn’t be)

I received a solicitors letter at 5.30 pm on Thursday saying that with immediate effect she would live with him and he was collecting her from school the next day (my day with her) and he would be in touch later this week to discuss when I can see her. I am absolutely dum founded that he can just do that!!!
But I know the law, we don’t have court ordered arrangements (we haven’t needed it, I don’t withhold the kids from him)
He has parental responsibility and apparently this is what she wants. But I’m still in shock that he can just take her, without even talking to me!!
I don’t agree of course, she left with the clothes on her back and has not been home. He lives 12 miles from us and her school.
I believe this is a tactic from him to avoid the child support quite frankly as he’s never paid any interest int he kids wellbeing. He’s not even home most days the kids visits, his mum does all the care and picking up.
I feel he is brainwashing my daughter, and she’s very confused. I called to ask when she is coming to see me, and he was in the background telling her what to say and she said I need to speak to dads solicitor!!! We have a day out planned next week and I asked her if she still wants to come and she said yes, he said something in the background and then she said no, you have to wait for dads solicitor to tell you if I can go or not!!!
I’m at a complete loss. I don’t understand what’s driven her to make this decision. I am willing to communicate with my ex and do what’s best for her, but he won’t talk to me. I do not want to deal with his solicitor, had many issues in the past and I’ve put a complaint against her for breaking resolutions code of conduct. And he bully’s me via her, he uses it as a way to create conflict and argue about all sorts which is unnecessary.
I do not want this to get to court. I have no doubt it will becuase that’s how my ex works. Would rather fight and win, than negotiate and compromise. I know I need to play the long game and slowly coax her back, becuase I know she will hate living with him. He’s so controlling and she’ll be isolated from her friends.
Any advice ? Thanks

and seek advice from your own solicitor too. I know she can make her own mind up but with the absence of any abuse, I can't see why you would be denied all access completely!

I would give her space. Don't chase around after your daughter, it's enabling the situation to manifest more.

I would simply phone her, tell her that you love her dearly and that she can come home anytime. Then I would leave it at that. She is old enough to make her own decision, but she really needs to be given space to make that decision. The more you fight, the more they will dig in their heels.

Don't try to communicate with her father anymore. I suspect that once you leave her to her own devices, she will come to her senses and realise that the grass isn't greener.

I used to be a runaway! When my Mum stopped trying to chase me down and get me to come home, I started to see the error of my ways. The more she chased me, the more I ran!

It’s all so unbelievable. When she left last week we had calmly discussed her choices and she said she wanted to see her dad more, so I suggested she stay living with me and she can be flexible , and spend more time as and when she pleases, or we come to an agreement about an extra night . My ex told her she wasn’t allowed to do this with our current set up, becaus ethat would mean he has her more nights a week than me, so he would need to be her full time carer and she has to live with him. So he’s bulldozing it to court. He has no concern with her best interests, he just wants a bit of paper to say he ‘owns ‘ her and of course he wants the child benefit and tax credits (which i will struggle to cope without, as he pays only £18 a week child support for 2 kids!!!) I have 2 other kids and work part time. He is convincing her it’s best not to see me, and he is allowing phone contact but always listening to our calls and reading all texts. I have counsellinga rranged for her (been waiting 10 months) and she was the one begging me for help with her anger and emotions, now she is saying she doenst need it and won’t go (his input I reckon) I was supposed to be taking her to Alton towers on Sunday as her birthday day out, 2 days ago she said she still wanted to go. Now she says she doenst. I am going on holiday for 2 weeks in 13 days (long planned , not with the children) and have very limited time to get prepared for court (carefully timed by him)
If I was 100 % sure this is what she wanted , and she would be happy I would let her go, but I believe she’s being manipulated by him. She will miss her friends, her brother and sister and me ... I know she will become isolated , she has no one but his family over there and she will get bored of hanging out with grandparents soon. They are all making false promises and making it look like the better option for her, but I know it won’t last!

I’d avoid mentioning the child benefit or tax credits OP, it make sure it sound like you want her for financial reasons. And those things are to pay for the upkeep of a cold, not to pay for your upkeep - if she’s not there then presumably you’ll need less money.

There’s nothing worse than feeling torn between parents. I’d focus on your daughter now - who cares what your ex is doing, you aren’t with him anymore and he sounds like a prick.

Focus on your children and building up your own life. No offence meant, but if you can afford to go on a 13 day holiday without your kids despite working part time you can’t really complain about losing your Child benefit because you daughter isn’t living with you

If she doesn’t want to go to Alton towers, we’ll shes losing that opportunity. Of your FH ends up taking her, well, it’s him spending the money!

Be a stable, loving presence in her life, and she’ll come back to you

During the court process she will be spoken to so that they can find out what's going on and they will be used to seeing children negatively influenced by parents.

Because of her age it would be difficult to enforce a court order but the court will almost certainly say that there should be some contact with you and not none. It would be very unusual for any other outcome based on what you've said.

Hopefully your DD will realise what a dick your ex is for dragging this to court and dragging her into it. I don't think in the long term she will thank him.

Will this really get to family court by October?

It depends how busy the local court is but I think it can be as quick as 4-6 weeks.

Yes I’ve been advised 4 weeks or so. By which point she would have spent a full 6 weeks over there, without seeing me at all. I’m just hoping the court date is for when I get back from holiday, not before or I’ll have to ask them to adjourn and it’ll be even longer til I can see her! But hoping she’ll miss me enough to want to see me by then!

I would just keep texting her every few days with love bombs and lil chit chat of what you've been up to expecting no reply.

She will start to miss you.

What was the outcome? My 15 year old has said she doesn’t like me not want to live with me Cas o shout at her when she does something wrong. I’ve handled this completely differently to all the advice in here. Basically, if I can’t shout at her for not putting her clothes away and leaving dirty dishes everywhere then she is ruling the house, I’m not being dictated to by a teenager. She’s gone to her dads, I’m expecting her back soon....

He’s not even home most days the kids visits, his mum does all the care and picking up

If his mother is a good person, at least that is a positive sign. Best wishes - I hope this works out .

@Mummydoodie, you are entitled to have rules but shouting might not be the best route. If you get angry she is likely to respond with anger.

I have raised teen girls so know it's not easy but it's possible.

At her age she is able decide who she wants to live with.