Family Law, Going to court re child arrangement

[Lavender928]

I have applied to court for child arrangement because if manipulative ex and his new gf. I will be representing myself and was wondering if anyone knows what happens at the first hearing. Do they want to know what we want for children and why or will they investigate emotional abuse... ( reported to the police and all sorts in touch re emotional support)
Thank you

Can you really not raise enough money for a barrister? Newly qualified family ones would not cost the earth. Better that than it all goes wrong.

I don’t feel I need one to be honest. This is about child arrangements and I want my children to see their dad. We’re goung to court because in the last 3-4 months he’s been coming and going and changing arrangement which meant I couldn’t work or had to find baby sitter last minute... ( before anyone comments I shouldn’t rely on him I know that). He’s using children to control my life or rather whenever he wants changes he verbally attack’s rather than communicate like and adult. I spoke to a solicitor and read through Family Law Children Act 1989. I’ve akways made my case about children and he’s made it about me. I spoke to children services after I reported Controlling and Coercive Behaviour to the police and I’m confident that I put my children first and gave their best interest at heart.
I was in a situation where I had no money and felt very vulnerable and even though I have some savings I wouldn’t want to spend it all on solicitor. I might see after the first hearing

I don't think you need one either @Lavender. I went to court without any legal representation - the remit and focus of the family court is very simple - it's about what's right for the children. They have NO interest (NONE) in getting into he said she said my ex is a pillock - unless there are documented examples of serious safety concerns that would warrant contact only taking place in a contact centre or otherwise supervised. If that is not your situation, then there's really little benefit to having a barrister unless there's some highly complicated point of law that they need to argue for you. And that's pretty unlikely.

You know the form you have to fill in when you apply? This where you write what you're asking for and why? That's your tool. Have you filled this in yet? Sent it off yet? The judges read this before the hearing and it's your chance to show how you are absolutely all about what is best for the children.

That document has to be ABSOLUTELY 100% ABOUT. THE. CHILDREN and what is best FOR THEM. They give not a shit about what he's done or what a nightmare he has been (sadly) unless it's really really unsafe or abusive.

You can say how you want to establish court ordered contact in order to bring stability and predictability to contact which has been missing and causing disruption and distress for both children. Say that you are fully supportive of regular contact and committed to making the children available on each occasion.

Set out what you've worked out about how often, when, where, suggested times and schedule for both term time and school holidays.

The judges will then decide what they think is fair - I found it pretty straightforward. My XH had since we divorced only ever had the children EOW, never in the school holidays and during a bout of unemployment on his side, I found it impossible to afford the two 70 mile round trips in the car to the drop-off point so wasn't actually able to get to contact. So he took me to court! Ha ha! It was so funny. I asked in my document for Friday to Sunday EOW (not just one night away but two because of the fact there was no opportunity due to distance for the kids to have one night in the week) plus half the school holidays. XH nearly fell off his chair when the judge agreed with the reasonableness of my suggestion including the school holiday contact. I also made sure that I explained that (in this case, might not apply to you) that because of the distance it was unfair on the children and would provide them very little quality time with their father or that side of their family if they went on a Friday and were back on a Saturday in light of the distance travelled. Upshot was, the silly git who took me to court for contact (which I was already giving and had never ever withheld) ended up with what he already had - EOW - plus half the school holidays as well!!!!

So just make your application document say exactly what you think is the best arrangement, how and why it meets the children's needs, and touch only lightly on the fact that current informal contact arrangements do not meet the children's needs for predictable regular contact and you wish to work with him to improve this.

Thank you!!
He had our dd every weekend, not always over night but we left it up to her (she’s 5 and a half now) for the last two and a half years but since going out with new gf, then moving in with her he doesn’t want them every weekend. My daughter is heartbroken. She doesn’t even know he wants every other weekend. The baby is 1 and I’m still breastfeeding so no over night as I’m not stopping.
He wants them every other weekend FR til Sun. Even though talking about an evening during the week he never actually asked and I wouldn’t say no anyway as it’s my kids right to see their dad, not mine or his.
He said no judge will make him put kids to bed in my house when he has his house or make him “babysit” his children so I can go to work! Instead him and his gf are (were) telling me to find a job during the week like normal parents do.

Silly stuff really. What matters to me is that both of my children have regular contact with their dad. Whatever happened between us doesn’t matter in children arrangements even though I’m pretty sure he’ll try that one.
Your comment just reassured me that what I’m doing is right. Let’s hope our judge will see it too.

Hope it goes well.

@Lavender928 even if the court awards he every weekend they can not force him to take up contact only you to make them available. If he is saying ever other weekend you may have to accept that this is what he is going to do.

That’s what the solicitor said. What I don’t get is what is the point of court orders then? And what if he won’t stick to the agreement? Then what?
I’ll have to accept it I know that. I’ve done this because he needs to stop controlling my life through children but the more I read about it the less trust I have in the whole process and am starting to think I wasted money on it if no one can make him to stick to the court order 🙈

The point orders is that create order for example where one parent is ducking about chopping and changing or the set contact where a resident parent is frustrating contact.
Nothing in this world can make a non-resident parent take up contact if they don't want it.
As annoying as it is you are better to make other childcare arrangements so you can work.

A court order in your situation is likely to end with you tied by it rather than him as there will be little flexibility.

Sorry auto correct got involved in that reply.

Hahaha I thought it might.
Thank you. The reason wasn’t so much arrangements so I can work as such but consistency. Once I have something in place I can work around it when it comes to working.
The police was also tied without any formal arrangements to stop him contacting me about anything else.
It might be the ex suffering the consequences as he still asks for changes yet encouraging court.
If the arrangement is made does he have to stick with it and if he wont what are the options?

I think every other weekend is reasonable and one night a week perhaps. Be careful that the judge may agree that the baby can do one night away now. Every weekend is to much and means you don’t get the fun weekends.

If you get an order you can ignore any demands from him for contact other than that in the order, so he can't choose to have contact at random times when he feels like it. If he does not take up contact you can return to court and get the level of contact reduced.

That is what worries me. I breastfed dd for two and a half years and I’d be very dissapointed if I had to stop because of this. Ds is up 4-5 times for a feed at the moment and when I looked at Children Act for babies they consider more regular contact rather than longer contact further apart. Plus I’d worry about ex not being able to cope with the baby over night as he didn’t have to with dd it ds and whenever dd woke him up he’d punch doors or walls and got very aggressive. Ever hurt me or her but I’d worry. I mentioned this to the police two years ago as well as coupe of months ago

Since May 2016 until 4 months ago he wanted to see children every weekend and he did now he wants to reduce contact. Fair enough circumstances change
Maybe for the record, when he started with new gf I met her and told her we can work on child arrangements together so I can continue working but also give them some weekends child free which seemed to have suited them. My ex said nothing needs to change and that if his new gf doesn’t like the fact he’s spending weekends with his children than the relationship is not going to work. Few weeks later all changed, he refused to come into the house ( before he’d be happy to stay for a coffee. ) he even had a bath here if I was at a meeting and he came straight from work. Now he wants to change it all.

Your milk supply will be established so you wouldn’t have to stop if baby had a night or two away.

EOW and a night during the week is quite standard from about 2 or 3 but I don't think they will rule for that for a breastfed baby, particularly with the precedent of feeding previously that proves you want to continue for some time. You could aim for up an order that sets out when contact would increase to overnight and longer for the baby. Think about what would work for the children and put that forward as your proposal. If the court agrees with your plan you won't have him hassling you for contact that isn't court ordered.

My advice is to have an idea of exactly what you want contact to look like before you go to court. Think as far into the future as possible and work out what happens in school holidays, on birthdays, at Christmas. Consider when and how you might speak to the children when they are with him. The more detail you can get into that court order, the less opportunity you give him to create problems for you down the line.

Thank you so much for this. I’ll do it. I know exactly what I want and I know once I stop breastfeeding I’m happy for the baby to stay with his dad and once that happens we can re arrange. I was always open to negotiate and work together until ex started to mess around