POA and family advice please

[woodpigeons]

My two siblings are both dead. One died last year. I and my very, very old parent are the only two who remain.
The family was always disfunctional due to abuse, physical and verbal, neglect and favouring one child over the others.
My sibling (who died last year) and partner lived near my remaining parent and cut me and my family out completely from my remaining parent’s life. They would not speak to me us see us for over 10 years. Any exchanges were acrimonious.
My parent has, I believe, dementia and lives in sheltered accommodation with carers. I don’t know how many, for how long, or how they have been arranged.
It is not possible to have a conversation with my parent and has not been for a long time. One of my children and her partner visited their grandparent recently. The grandparent did not know who they were.
My sibling and partner had financial POA and were executors of my parent’s will.
Since my sibling died her partner, they were married, now is the only person with POA and is the executor of the will.
I see from Facebook that this partner entered into a new relationship six months after my sibling died. Or possibly earlier as this is when their relationship was announced on fb.
As my parent’s next of kin I am concerned about their welfare. I have no reason to believe they are not OK but I have no idea of any plans for their future. I do not know, and never knew, how much money they have and this only concerns me in how it is being used for my parent’s welfare. If they need to leave their present accommodation I do not know if it would be possible to pay for care home fees and, if so, for how long.
Talking to my ex sibling’s partner is pointless. I have asked repeatedly to be included on the POA, informed of my parent’s medical condition and diagnosis. I get nowhere.
I believe that being a person’s next of kin gives me no legal rights.
The situation is made more complicated by the fact that I am unwell and now unable to travel the considerable distance to visit my parent.
While I have no evidence of any wrongdoing I do feel responsible for my parent and am concerned that the only person who has any influence over them seems to now have little interest in them.
My parent however believes the partner is always right. Any questions I asked in the past, when my parent was able to hold a quite reasonable conversation, I was told that they did not know and I should ask the partner.
I cannot afford to pay a lawyer and anyway would find it difficult to visit them.
All I want is to have some information about my parent’s welfare and input into decisions made, or which may have to be made very soon, about my parent.
If it was thought best for my parent to move near to me I would be happy about that. I have adult children and grandchildren who would visit. However I believe my parent would not want to do that. I did broach it in the past and they were adamant they wanted to stay where they were
As their next of kin I feel responsible and would like to know if there is anything I can do or if I just have to accept the situation.
Apologies for the length of this. If anyone has managed to get to then end I would be grateful for any advice, or to know of anywhere I could find it.
Thank you.

Hello, I have some insights as I had POA ( for finance not for welfare) for my dad although I was lucky enough to have a brother who just let me get on with it. I can’t see from your post whether the POA held by BIL is for both or just one of these. For finance, it will be very difficult for you to do anything without the POA. For health and welfare, being next of kin does mean that health care and nursing home professionals should be willing to discuss matters with you, but you probably would not be able to over rule any decisions which they would make in your parents best interests. Having a H&W POA allows you to go against medical advice and make decisions as if you were the person eg refuse treatments even if they are potentially life saving/ symptom relieving.
If you feel you could take these POAs on and that it would be in your parents best interests, you could ring the OFfice of the Public Guardian and discuss the way forward. They are unlikely though to withdraw a POA from the BIL if there is no evidence of malpractice. HTH.

Also worth posting in Elderly Parents as there are many people on that board with much experience of all aspects of coping with elderly parent care.

The OPG can help but only if you have some reason to think that the attorney isn’t acting in your parents’ best interests. You don’t have a right to information just because of your relationship as child.

If there isn’t an LPA for H&W then you could see about being appointed as a deputy but it’s so so rare and you would have to be able to show why one was needed, and that you were the right person which after a long period of estrangement is a big ask.

Also, you can’t be added as an attorney. If your parent had the capacity they could make a whole LPA but based on the report you had back from your child, sadly that doesn’t sound likely.

It’s a horrible situation but if you had come to see me and didn’t have any reason to believe the attorney wasn’t acting properly I’d say that unfortunately nothing to gain by involving the OPG. They won’t act just because you aren’t being given information.

As far as paying for care goes, if the savings are all used up, your parent will be entitled to help, which the attorney will need to arrange.

If you have concerns about him dealing with her money you can ring the o.p.g. and discuss this, the person who has p.o.a. for finances should keep records of the money and how it is being spent. You can apply tomvecome a deputy for her health and welfare but as pp said you have not seen her for a while so it may not be granted. Would it be possible for you and your children to go together to visit your mum and try and speak to the home manager as some stage, I know you have said you are unwell , could you ring the home. A lot depends on her mental capacity, if she can make her own decisions she does not have to share anything with you, if she hasn't got capacity and there is no welfare p.o.a, in place any decisions may end up with the court of protection.

There is no health and welfare POA, only a financial one.
There hasn’t been a long estrangement with my mother just my sibling.
I or DH have visited her as often as we can. So have my children but it has got more difficult recently when she does not recognise people or, even if she does, won’t let them in as says it is inconvenient.
DH last visited her in July and she seemed frail and very confused but not noticeably distressed. She was admitted to hospital, after a fall, late last year and DH also visited her then.
I also used to write to her (with very big text) and phone often and always send cards, photos, flowers, presents etc. She can’t see or read now and can’t have phone conversations. I, or DH, still phone now but not so, often as don’t want to distress her, and don’t try to involve her in complicated conversations. Talking about the past is best as she seems to remember that quite well.
It has always been difficult to get any information from her, even about things like where family photos are, as she always refers us to BIL.There are some things I would like, not because they are valuable but for sentimental reasons (I don’t even have my school photos or any photos of my family including of me) but I am prepared to let that go and not make a fuss about it.
I don’t have any evidence the money has been mismanaged but it is strange, and worrying, to not know anything about her health and her long term prospects. If I knew how long she is likely to be able to stay where she is then I could hopefully discuss with BIL what would be best for her in the future.
I spoke to age concern today and it seems I have 3 options.
I am initially going to write to her GP, not asking them to give me any confidential information, but to make them aware that I exist and am her next of kin, and request them to put my letter on her file asking them to let me know of any changes in her health and circumstances and also to be aware that I am prepared to take full responsibility for her care if necessary.
If her money runs out then Social Services will have to take over her care. I don’t think they are involved at present. If that happens then, as her next of kin, what I feel is best for her will be taken into account, especially if she is judged to lack capacity. Tbh she would totally freak out if she had any involvement with them so if it does happen then I hope it does when she would no longer be aware.
Although she lives in a different part of the country from me, her local authority would apparently be prepared to fund her care in my area if it was thought to be in her best interests.
I don’t think she would want to move at present. I did suggest it to her when it was more possible to talk to her and she said she was happy where she is.
Realistically though, if she is going to be in a care home, I think a move here would be better for her as she would get a lot of visitors from grandchildren and great grandchildren..
So somehow I need to keep my eye on the ball and decide if, and when, I need to intercede.
The last option is to approach the Court of Protection and ask to be made a deputy. If I did this I would also ask for DH to be included as he gets on well with her and is much more able to travel than I am.
I think only a last resort as complicated and expensive.
Hopefully it will all work out but it is very worrying having no information or input into her welfare. If the phone rings at an unusual time I always think it must be about her.
Whatever has happened in the past she is a frail, very old lady and I have a responsibility towards her. She is, after all, my mother.

I’ve had lots of clients advised that by Age Concern and similar (mostly AC to be fair) and it’s of course helpful for your mum’s GP and SS to know who you are, but neither of them will give automatically you info so don’t get your hopes up too much there. If your DH last saw your mum (last?) July and you longer ago, and your BIL is an attorney and has much more contact, they won’t take the fact that you are “next of kin” into account. As you pointed out rightly at the beginning, next of kin doesn’t have any legal meaning at all. Age Concern are trying to be practical I know but GPs and SS have to maintain proper confidentiality, and where they do want to take your views into account that is not normally to any significant extent.

The deputyship thing you are really wise to be wary of. A deputyship for health and welfare is staggering rare, and the starting point is that the applicant (you) pay the costs not the person it relates to. So you’d need to pay thousands of pounds just to in all likelihood be told no. I hope Age Concern told you that! There is also the issue of limited contact just in case finding a load of money to pay lawyers doesn’t put you off enough, and your BIL could be considered more suitable.

I am very at the suggestion that your mother move across the country when she is so ill. I think most people know what the effect of that is, and it’s not what you’d want for your mother at all. It’s different if she is moving into your house and the LA are proving carers to come in- is that what you had in mind? Moving to another care home so far away seems a lot for someone at that age and in that state of health.

I know you say that you have a responsibility to your mum but you also have mentioned a lot of abuse in the past and that you’re not all that well yourself. So be very careful about what you can take on, none of us have an endless responsibility when a parent hasn’t behaved well themselves. I know it’s easier to forgive and forget things when they are frail and vulnerable but make sure you have some boundaries about what support you want to provide given all the history.

If the phone rings at an unusual time I always think it must be about her and yes this is horrible. I don’t think it stops unfortunately.

Thank you namechange.
I don’t expect anyone to give me confidential information about my mother but I think it would be helpful for them to know that I exist and am concerned about her welfare. It may help SS to make any decisions they have to make.
I don’t think she really gets many visits from anyone atm and don’t think that bothers her. When DH visited her last July she seemed more bothered about getting back to her friends in the lounge than being with him. He got the impression they look out for her.
She seems happy where she is and if there were any concerns DH would be there immediately.
I do understand what you say about moving her and no it wouldn’t be possible for her to live with me. I have never considered that and never would.
I am worried that any move to a care home would be very, very distressing for her and the stress of moving her to a different area would have to be balanced against the benefit of her being near people able to constantly check on her welfare.
My family is totally onboard about this. Including me there would be eight adults, members of her family, in the immediate vicinity.
It’s a horrible, very distressing situation and at present I don’t think there is anything I need to do.
It has been very helpful though to think of possible future options so thank you.

So distressing. I totally get that.

I did just have a mini thought for you, in case you hadn’t seen it, I’ve screen shotted the OPG guidance for what to look out for in terms of an attorney not doing their job properly. It’s common sense to an extent but it might be helpful to have in your mind in case any of it rings any bells in your future dealings with your BIL. Some bits don’t apply to attorneys but most do.

Thank you namechange. It isn’t that I suspect any financial irregularities it’s just that I have no idea of her financial position.
She didn’t have a lot of money but had the money from the sale of her house. I don’t know about her pension but knowing my father I would be surprised if she doesn’t have one.
I don’t know if she is getting all the benefits she is entitled to but I do think she is paying privately for carers.
I don’t know how much her rent and other expenses are.
I was actually cut out from all family decision making immediately after my father died 10 years ago. I have no idea why.
I had no input into his funeral and was completely sidelined. I didn’t see my mother after he died, either before or after the funeral. I tried to but was told she was either too busy seeing solicitors or resting. It was like attending the funeral of a stranger.
So I have no idea how much money she has and how long she will be able to continue living where she is, either medically or financially.
If social services take over her care then I believe I would be her best advocate but atm I am in no position to do so as I know nothing.
Whatever happened in the past should not mean that I should abdicate all responsibility for someone who is unable to make decisions for herself.
My BIL is perfectly entitled to move on and form other relationships.
I would never criticise him for that but I cannot understand why I am being kept completely out of the picture about everything concerning my mother.
Perhaps I should just forget about the whole thing and let whatever happens happen but morally I don’t feel able to do that. I wish I did because this whole situation has caused me a great deal of angst for the last 10 years.