Ex thinks I'm being unreasonable about contact. What would a court say?

[Whatwillcourtsay]

I work shifts as does my ex.

He was homeless so had nowhere to take our daughter for months so I said while he was homeless we could do an ad hoc arrangement as I had to be here for pick ups and drop offs.

I offered him between 8 and 12 times of contact per month, he maybe took me up on 2 or 3 and sometimes went a month or 2 without contact at all before he would message making demands to see her which I always arranged to the best of my ability.

Now he has his own house and wants the ad hoc arrangement to continue.

I've said no, it's a massive pain in the arse for me to do this anyway, but I do feel that set times and days is better for us all.

I said I have booked dd into full time childcare (she isn't there full time only when I'm at work I just needed the space) so he can choose his day or days and if it falls when he is working then he can pay The childcare fees for that day.

He has told me I am massively unreasonable and says he will take me to court.

Would a court force me to work my shifts, pay all the childcare, and work contact so he doesn't have to put himself out at all?

In reality the chances of him taking me to court are slim anyway as that would take time and effort and money on his part but should I continue offering the ad hoc arrangements to keep the peace?

No. Not for any other reason than that kids need stability and consistency. It’s not fair in DC.

That's very good to know thank you.

All the finding days I could arrange it, setting them out, waiting for him to decide what he could do, then arranging drop offs and pick ups and childcare for my other dc whole I do them has been a massive pain, I really do not want this to continue indefinitely.

Tbh it's been like that with my ex and I put up with it because the children got to see their Dad. My bugbear when they were little though was he would arrange it through them

I wouldn’t do it at all. If a father wants to see his kids he will incorporate them into his life. If he doesn’t then you will have years of nonsense.

Be reasonable always. Keep evidence and a diary of contact

Then show it to the courts.

Communicate by text and email only. Print and screenshot it all

My ex was a fan of the “ad hoc” parenting. I renamed it the “when he was bored and had no better offers” method of parenting. He inevitably let our Dc down 6-7 out of 10 times that he had asked for to suit him! So I got firm and decided we needed an agreed schedule, he resisted but I stayed firm (with the help of MN) and said “this is when DC are available, if you don’t turn up, that’s your problem” and I stopped telling my DC that they were going to see him because he didn’t always come. He stuck to it for a while but then the excuses started again and he would try and rearrange. I went with it for a while as I figured at least DC get to see him. But he kept it up (obviously as it suited him!) and I got firm again, he would just not turn up. Initially I would contact him and ask why, when could he see them etc and I would get a load of mumbling and vague suggestions that would never happen but then I stopped calling when he didn’t turn up. I stopped chasing him altogether. He hasn’t seen them in over a year. No idea why. They live 10 minutes away from him, he has no excuses. Just can’t be bothered. As soon as I stopped bending over backwards and chasing him he stopped making any effort at all to see them. He Wanted them handed to him on a plate fed, watered and needing very little interaction from him. That’s not parenting.

Thanks for the advice.

Do you think I should message offering him an overnight per week? Or should I just leave and see what he comes back with.

She is 18 months, we split when she was 5 months and he has never had an overnight with her since then.

I don't want to stop contact but I also don't wish to chase about accommodating him when I have managed to sort everything out so I could continue working and him picking and choosing when to take her out of childcare will negatively impact me and her.

Yes I would message him offering a specific day/night (that suits you best tbh) and say that’s when she is available, take it or leave it. Then leave it up to him to come up with a suitable alternative day if that doesn’t suit him. If he just says no, that doesn’t suit, ignore him. If he responds with a load of guff, ignore him. Only respond if he comes up with an actual day and times and agrees it to be the same day every week.