Parental Alienation Help

[MarciaClark]

Hi everyone,

DH is going through family court. It has been ongoing over a year now and the courts have established that it is a very clear cut parental alienation case but due to time it has taken to complete everything, the current recommendation is to reintroduce DH to his DC via a contact centre to run alongside weekly letters until they can get their first meeting arranged.

DH's ex stopped contact for childish reasons so DH applied to the courts to amend their existing child arrangements order as she refused to hand over the child on pre arranged visits. The courts have already warned her if she continues her petulant behaviour then they will switch residency. There are no safeguarding concerns or DV history surrounding DH.

Anyway DH sent DC a letter and a gift and basically got a letter back from DC demanding to know why DH has not been around, why he has not sent birthday and Christmas presents etc. Now here is our issue - DH did send cards and gifts but we found out that his ex had sold them online on facebook buy and sell pages before they were given to him. DC never got the gifts that DH sent, and the reason why contact stopped was due to the ex stopping contact and DH pursuing it through courts, hence the delay.

The section 7 report said that the mother has a lot of ill feeling towards DH that he left her (they divorced 8yrs ago and she never got over it) and that she has demonised DH to their DC and brainwashed the poor child into hating their father for no good reason.

How should DH word his responses to the questions about the presents and not being around without apportioning blame to the mother and causing upset? He obviously can't write "I've not seen you in over a year because your mum won't speak to me and won't let me see you and i am fighting her through the courts and it has taken so long, and she sold your presents to make you think i never sent you anything." Any advice on how to diplomatically word it to a 9yr old would be great. All letters are going to be scrutinised by cafcass and the courts apparently.

He needs to tell them that he did send presents and cards. Because that’s fact, and they need to ask their Mum what happened to them.

Would that not make the child resent their mother and look dreadful for DH in court?

What’s the alternative? He loses them anyway because she keeps lying?

I’m not up for other parent bashing, but I am up for calmly stating facts, without apportioning blame.

He has sent things and tried for contact, that’s not slating her, it’s the truth.

I would say that he did buy and post them things but he doesn't know why they didn't receive them.
It's practically the truth and isn't blaming their mother for taking them.

So long as what he is saying is factual then I think it's fine.

"I sent you cards and presents to your house every birthday and Christmas. I don't know why they didn't get to you" is fine.

"I sent you cards and presents but your evil, manipulative mother didn't give them to you and sold them instead" is not ok.

At this point if he wants to rebuild a relationship he needs to be honest. The kids will be able to tell if he's lying and that won't help. They will know there is trouble between their parents anyway.

I don't know what you say about him not seeing them though.

"I wanted to see you and I asked mum many times but it didn't work out. I am really sorry. Now I am asking the court to make sure we can find time to be together because it is really important to me."

Something like that? Assuming he has tried over.the years to see them and the mum can't say "that's a lie, he hasn't asked in years."

"I wanted to see you and I asked mum many times but it didn't work out. I am really sorry. Now I am asking the court to make sure we can find time to be together because it is really important to me."

I think that’s a really well thought out response and the best in the circumstances tbh.

Thank you everyone, much appreciated! Those answers are really helpful to try and word it in a nice way. His DC does know about DH trying to speak to the ex for access because it all came out in the wash in the S7 report with "mummy says..." and "mummy told me..."