So. FIL died recently. He wasn’t married to his partner of over 20 years - both had legal backgrounds so knew exactly the ramifications that has. (But I will refer to her as SMIL for ease of writing this!).
SMIL is a difficult lady. As an example she wouldn’t tell any of FIL’s dc the funeral details and eventually only sent a message via someone else, a week before the event), who had been told the wrong time and location.
Luckily we checked with the crematorium. Turns out she had told them she was his next of kin (she uses his surname so people don’t think to ask for proof!), had ordered a cremation and said that she had discussed having a cremation with all relations and they agreed - when the first they knew of it was when they found out about the cremation - it had been booked weeks earlier.
We don’t think fil has a lot to leave but it would be nice to know what is happening and we know that there were some family photos and bits that would mean nothing to SMIL but but would be meaningful for dh and his siblings.
But - we can’t even find out where the will is. One of the siblings was told they were executors years ago but when they tried to talk to the solicitor they were basically told that they had been instructed to move the will to another solicitor and couldn’t say anything more.
Thing is, just 3 weeks before fil died, SMIL asked dh if he would be executor but he had to point out he couldn’t be as fil has had Alzheimer’s for several years. Which also makes us wonder if she has tried to change his will previously.
From what we understand the funeral should have been organised by the executor or in their absence, the next of kin - which we understand are FIL’s children as he wasn’t married.
But we find ourselves in a catch 22 situation - without seeing the will we don’t know who the executor is or what is going on - or even if the will is legal (given fil had Alzheimer’s for several years and the solicitors won’t communicate with the sibling told they were executor shortly before he became ill). SMIL seems to be telling people that she is next of kin and she doesn’t have contact details for fil’s Children (she does!).
I read on MN so often about how important it is to marry your dp in case one of you dies so that you get to make next of kin decisions, inherit things etc etc and yet we are now in this situation and there is no proof SMIL is NoK but she is behaving as she is and we suspect would throw out all fil’s family photos just to spite dh and his siblings. Dh had volunteered to help her sort other stuff out which she was really keen for him to do until he said could she get the executor(s) to confirm the items hadn’t been left to anybody or anywhere specific in the will (there was a good reason to check this) not least as it would have cost dh time and money to help her out. But she basically said she would dispose of it herself and slammed the phone down and has refused to speak to dh again.
Sorry it’s been so long but I didn’t want to drip feed info.
But does anybody have any idea of what the next steps should be to try and unpick this mess?
If there is a legally valid will that has been made before Alzheimer’s set in, and if that gives everything to SMIL as well as said she could organise funeral etc then that would be fine. But given that fil was very into family history it seems odd that he was happy for SMIL to throw it all away.
It just seems very odd that SMIL is being so secretive, difficult and cagey about everything if she /executors have a legal will as well as lying to others as well as is about things that it raises a whole load of red flags.
Help please - it would be much appreciated and I might get my usual lovely dh back - as you can imagine this has been playing on his mind and making him stress and fret!