Controlling Husband/home ownership/will

[Annielorrie]

Can anyone help me?

I have been married for 30 years, my husband has always controlled me with his temper, but since all of the children have left home I gained confidence to stand up to his temper.

But now he controls me with money.

I am 62, I cannot work through ill health (and no one willing to employ me due to my health issues) I cannot claim my state pension due to the age being changed.
All I get from him is enough to purchase food for us, if I need anything else, hair cuts etc, I have to ask for the money.
He has also had numerous affairs throughout our marriage.

I have tried unsuccessfully to find a solicitor who will agree to help me divorce my husband, I meet the criteria for legal aid, but because I half own our house I am told I cannot get it, due to having collateral.
He has always refused to sell so that I can move on.

We own our home outright, in joint tenancy, but he has recently made a will and wants to leave his half to his children from his first marriage, but he was obviously told by his solicitor that he can only do that by changing the deeds to Tenancy in common.
He told me that if I didn’t agree e wouldn’t go ahead with it, but I have just been served with the form to change it to ‘In common’ so as usual his promises meant nothing.

I do not begrudge him leaving what money he has squirrelled away to his children, but my husband knows that if he dies before me I would not be able to live without selling our house and living off of the proceeds, but by leaving his half to his children I would not be able to buy a smaller house and try to survive on what is left, or sell and then get a social housing flat and then live off the house money.
When we purchased the house we intended to sell when we reached retirement age and have a more financially secured future, and by doing it as joint tenancy we wanted to make sure whoever died first, the one left would have the house to live on.

I also have children from my first marriage, so I suggested I should make a will leaving my half to my children, he agreed, and even offered to pay for my will. I thanked him and then started finding a solicitor to get it going, but as soon as I did that he said “there is no point in you making a will because you have nothing to leave”
I reminded him I have my half of the house, and at that point he flatly refused to pay for my will.

So I am litterally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

The letter I recieved from his solicitor regarding changing the deeds contained a form for me to sign saying “please sign the form enclosed so that I can go ahead and get the deeds changed and finalise your husbands will”
From her wording it seems that his solicitor thinks I knew all about my husband changing the deeds, but he never told me, I only found out when I opened the letter about the deeds, thats is when I found out about his will.

I need to know how I stand legaly, but because I have no money I cannot get legal help.
The only help I have ever got was from our local citizens advice saying “what ever you do do not walk out of the house”
But I cannot do that anyway, because not only would I be penniless, I would also be homeless!!

Anyone be able to help me?

I agree that women’s aid are a good place to start for getting rid of this abusive man.

What about your children? Presumably they’re adults? Can they help support you emotionally, practically, financially?

If you really don’t have the money to buy a will then you can DIY with a will form. Professional advice is preferable but if you just want to give everything outright to your adult children in equal shares, no trusts then a WH Smith will form has a decent chance of achieving what you want. Frankly even a completely DIY will handwritten with a bit of help from Dr Google has a fair chance of doing what you want (it’s not ideal, but it’s a lot better than your current situation which is guaranteed not to achieve the desired result). Write a separate letter to be kept with it saying (in essence) “My husband is a financial abuser who has kept me trapped. I am deliberately leaving him out of my will for very good reasons.”

I think CAB can witness a will? Your children can’t, because they’re beneficiaries, but they can be executors.

Am I thinking he is lting to me again

He is either lying or he has misunderstood. Anything he leaves to you outright will be yours to do with as you will. However, if he gives you a life interest in part of the house you have the use of it while you were alive but you have to preserve that money for his children.

If you sell the house after his death you will almost definitely have to give the children their share upon sale

That depends on the wording of his will. The OP may be entitled to any interest earned by the children's share until she dies.

Unfortunately you would be unlikely to be eligible for social housing as your equity would mean you could rent privately. Although you might be able to make a case for something like sheltered housing.

I wouldn't ordinarily suggest this but to get the ball rolling I would getting a credit card and get a solicitors appt. Start playing fire with fire.

Pippylou

I am actually entitled to help, I was getting it, but about 8 years ago my husband started claiming disability allowance, he made out he couldn’t do anything, even though he was swanning around.
I was told I was entitled to sickness benefit and so filled in the forms, at the end I asked him 4 times “have you said I help you?
He assured me he had not mentioned me at any stage.
So I signed my forms, sent them off and I was awarded it.
A few months later my husband got called in and shown videos of him doing what he claimed he couldn’t, he then lost his money, he paid it back rather than go to prison (it was a large amount)
I suddenly got called down, firstly the woman asked if I had anything to tell her, I said “no”
She asked me to explain again my problems, at the end she said “but you can lift a 15st man in and out of the bath/bed, dress him, help him in and out of the car etc etc, he had told them that I nurse him and was claiming carers allowance.
I could have dropped him in it, told them he lied about claiming carers allowance for me looking after him, but me being scared of his action if I did I just stood up and walked out, I lost my money.
So now I cannot claim.

This is the sort of person I am married to.

Get out now. The longer you stay the more opportunity he has to pull other stunts.

You can usually get free half hour advice from some solicitors (look up Law Society & check)or go to CAB & ask for advice - once you know what you can do you can write out your own will & get signatures - you do know your entitled to half his private pension? Threats can work two ways check I am right than my dear you can threaten him!

Annie how much is the house worth, you put £150000 in here but a bigger figure in AMA

Friend is in very similar situation to you.

Disabled, will never work again, married to an abusive, emotionally abusive and financially abusive husband who was removed from the family home over a year ago. She has an injunction on him.

If there were any justice she should get legal aid. But because she has joint ownership of the family home and joint ownership of their previous family home which is let out just to cover the mortgage etc she can't get legal aid.

She had to call a lot of solicitors. But did find one that would take the money at the end. Otherwise she found later the WA solicitor would have done it as well.

It is not impossible but it takes some sorting out.

It seems that if you have a violent and financially abusive husband and are disabled you fall through a gap if you own property.

You cannot go out to work because of your disability. You have no money because your dh doesn't let you have any. You are in danger but can't get a solicitor to represent you. You will have money when the house is sold but in the meantime you are broke.

Combatbarbie

It is roughly £150,000.
Sorry for the confusion, my keyboard is so small I am constantly pressing the wrong key, I checked my spelling before posting on the ither site but obviously missed that mistake.

It's ok, just wanted to check x

Hope AMA family lawyer managed to help you in Pm. I would still consider getting the credit card and reapply for PIP/JSA upon separation, you can still do it even if in the same house. Presumably you have your own bank account?

When you get into the divorce/financial stage, do not forgoe his pension!

Combatbarbie

I have not had a bank account for about 14 years, that was when I had to stop working. I have 3 prolapsed discs in my neck and was told I was risking one or more of them bursting. The specialist said even doing vigorous housework is pushing my luck 😕 I also have scholiosis in the base of my spine and one of my hips needs replacing.

My bank account was shut down as nothing was being paid into it, when I was getting my sick benefit I had to open up a post office account, that account was only for that, I could not pay any other money in.

I spoke to someone re PIP this morning, I was told that as I have not paid any NIS since I last worked I may not get anything, the only other suggestion was job seekers allowance, but as I have to declare my neck problem I know (from experience) I will not get any job as I am classed as an insurance risk, so my job seekers allowance could be taken back.

When I was getting money the specialist sent a letter to them saying “Mrs “”””””” has serious neck pain due to prolapsed discs, I have afvised Mrs “””””” that she must not sit for more than 10 minutes, walk for more than 10 minutes, turn her head from side to side, up or down or carry any heavy objects.

So as I said, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, doors are slammed in my face in every direction I take ☹️☹️☹️

@Annielorrie
“I spoke to someone re PIP this morning, I was told that as I have not paid any NIS since I last worked I may not get anything, the only other suggestion was job seekers allowance, but as I have to declare my neck problem I know (from experience) I will not get any job as I am classed as an insurance risk, so my job seekers allowance could be taken back.”

Who did you speak to exactly? Either they gave you the wrong information or you misunderstood.

• The only qualifying criteria for PIP is how you disability or health condition affects your ability to do day-to-day tasks and get around. It does not matter whether or not you work or have made NI contributions. And it’s not means-tested, which means that any income, savings or assets (belonging to you or your partner) are not counted.

You can definitely apply for PIP and if someone said you can’t, they’re completely wrong.

• If you cannot work due to sickness or disability, you may be able to claim ESA, but you have to qualify in one of two ways:

1. To get contributory ESA you have to have made enough NI contributions
2. To get income-based ESA, your household income and savings must be below the threshold, and a partner is included, so you can only get this if you are physically separated (ie living separately) - if you are separated but still living together I think you have to provide some kind of proof.

• JSA is for people who are actively seeking work (so you must be available and fit for work). You qualify in the same way as you do for ESA ie contributory or income-based. I don’t know what you mean about JSA being “taken back”, either you get it or you don’t. (Sometimes there are overpayments but this is rare and shouldn’t happen if you give them the right information.)

I work for Citizens Advice, btw. If you came to see me I would advise you to do the following:

• Open a basic bank account in your own name only, don’t tell your husband about it

• Apply for PIP, start your claim by calling 0800 917 2222. They will ask for basic information including your NINO and I think bank details (give your own account obviously and not your husbands or the joint one). They will then send you a long form to complete, when you receive it I suggest you contact your local Citizens Advice to ask for help to fill it in.

• Contact Women’s Aid and the Rights of Women helpline (as previously advised) to check whether you can get legal aid or any other legal assistance to divorce your husband, you will need to tell them that he is financially abusive

I absolutely think you need to leave him and these steps will help you get there.

AnotherEmma

Thank you for your advice, I was on ESA before, I called it sick money earlier, my brain is so muddled I forget what things are called 😔😔But as I hadn’t paid a full stamp for a few years I got the lower payment, it wasn’t much, but it was mine. I had tried for disability allowance but was turned down, because I said I could lift small half filled saucepans, so I was classed as being able to feed myself 😕😕. But
I still qualified for ESA.

It was when my husband was claiming disability and carers allowance, he got the full wack of both! He promised he hadn’t put me down as helping him, what a liar he was!
He got caught and they noticed he had put me down as his carer, and so they assumed I was aiding and abetting 😡

I spoke to Age Uk this afternoon, they have put me onto a local legal help, they give free 30 minute advice, I have to wait until August 2nd, but at least something is happening.

Even though you were unsuccessful in applying for DLA before, you can still try applying for PIP now (PIP has replaced DLA). If you are unsuccessful you can appeal and Citizens Advice can help with that.

Whatever your husband did or didn’t claim in the past (fraudulently or not) shouldn’t be relevant to any new claims you make now.

It’s just another example of his financial abuse and confirms that you should leave him.

You should divorce this horrendous man as a matter of urgency.

Take control now but don't tell him anything and absolutely don't sign anything.

I'd recommend you contact his solicitor in writing and inform them of your refusal to sign their forms and alert them you are concerned that he may forge your signature.

Given his history, I'd say the likelihood oh him forging your signature is extremely high.

You need support from people you can trust but be careful. Can you turn to your children for help getting the legal fees paid so you can be advised properly?

Please contact women's aid they know about financial control and coersive control
Tell them everything and they have the know how who would be the right person to represent you and support you through divorcing this man ASAP
Do it today and get the ball rolling to get free of this life you're leading and be happy

This is so screwed up it's unbelievable. Go and open a basic bank account, in fact if you sign up with quidco there's lots of offers for cash back on opening an account. You can do it all online. They may ask to send proof of ID, last time I done it I emailed a copy of my license and passport.

Get back onto the benefits system, tell them the truth about him lying etc, you have medical back up, get your MP involved. woman's Aid should also be able to provide a letter supporting the claim of financial abuse etc.

In the meantime try and get any documents away and hidden.

You will be able to get pip and income support.

Some great advice on here, please act on it.

Been in a DV marriage myself, it feels like a very difficult web to untangle from but it is so worth it.

I am so humbled by the support and advice from you all.

I have got an appointment with a solicitor on the 2nd August, it is a while to wait, but at least sonething has come right

A huge thank you to you all 🙂🙂🙂🙂

well done, you have done the right thing, so pleased you are seeking help, let us know how you get on. xxxxx

OP, I dont know how valid this is but there is a free will writer on here - Id advise, in advance of your August meeting, that you complete it and send it to your kids for safekeeping.

Then you are covered for the next month.

Good luck OP. You deserve a break I hope the legal advice is useful and you get the support you need

how did it go op?