Mediator

[octobersunshine]

Im going to the first mediation session tomorrow to sort out arrangements for DS.

Ex is a bully and a narcissist and I've requested we are in separate rooms, Does anyone have any advice or tips about the process and how to broach it? I'm really worried about it.

I did shuttle mediation with my ex (also a bully and narc!) last year, feel free to ask any questions you'd like, or pm me. I am guessing though it probably varies depending on which mediator you use.

Have you had a MIAM yet? This is the initial meeting which is individual. You should be able to find out about shuttle mediation at this individual meeting. I did shuttle mediation with a person like your ex. It was a waste of time. He presented a list of requirements and said if I didn't agree to all of it he would file to court immediately. I didn't agree to any of it. He never filed to court. Good luck!

Thanks for your comments.

It went as expected. I offered a range of things I was willing to compromise on, and have brought my offer much closer to his in terms of my initial feeling. He has rejected all of them and said he'll pursue it through the courts. I've wasted £150. His stance was to say its his way or court which is farcical. It's not negotiation at all.

I've offered another session to see if we can Bridge the gap but i think he's unlikely to do it as he's not really after any form of compromise. I don't know what I can do now other than to wait for court which I am dreading and I certainly can't afford legal representation:

Hope you're ok? Please don't waste another £150. He's got no intention of engaging in mediation.

My mediation was a waste of money too. I realised very quickly after that meeting which lasted over 2 hours where he was blatantly lying to the mediator and me that the courts were the only option.

Did you go to court Cazza?

I agree you shouldn't waste any more money on mediation. Even if you come to an agreement is he likely to stick to it when it has no legal status?

I spent a lot of money on mediation in good faith, only for him to continue to bully me afterwards, and it ended up in court.

I'm terrified of court. I had postnatal depression for over a year after DS was born. Ex was always away at festivals and parties and I was alone and scared and depressed and wasn't always the best mother. I know he'll use it against me and I've heard awful stories about Cafcass reports.

Also, does anyone know if the mediator sends a report to the court if an application is made?

If he brings that up in court he will get short shrift, especially since all it will highlight is that he is a selfish lazy cunt.

No the mediator doesn't send a report to the court.

I have my first individual appointment on Monday. I work, rent privately and it’s killing me. I’m in a low income whereas my ex takes it in. He is self employed and I’m worried that he won’t be honest.

Yes I did. He could bully me but he couldn't bully a judge. The good thing is a judge will focus on the facts and if you can get a barrister to represent you on the day they are worth it. Mine quickly figured out the narcissist I was dealing with. If you have any questions please feel free to pm me.

Oh and he kept the family home, I’m praying that I hear some good news.

You need to inform the mediator that mediation isn't going to be suitable and ask for a sign off and for it to be sent to you. You'll need it for the courts

OP needs nothing for the court. Only the person making the application needs a form from the mediator.

OP it might be worth looking at getting direct access counsel. May be cheaper than instructing a solicitor. If you are prepared to say what region you are in I might be able to suggest chambers.

Hi MrsBert. Thanks for this. I have no idea what a direct access is? I'm in Manchester.

I was scared of court. It was no way near as bad as I expected.

Cafcass are unlikely to have much involvement unless they have serious enough safeguarding concerns. Unless there have been a lot of issues you haven't mentioned, I don't think it will come to that. You'll have a chat with them to assess whether there are safeguarding issues. They aren't interested in anything unless it's officially documented.

*aren't likely to have much involvement

I went to court after a dreadful mediation experience. Court was great. I paid for representation on a 0% credit card and paid off the debt over the next 18 months, but a friend of mine represented herself. We both ‘won’.

Direct access means instructing a barrister directly rather than instructing a solicitor who then engages a barrister. It can save costs.

Argh, Manchester is as far off my turf as it can be!

But as eurochick says, especially for a self contained thing as a first hearing, it can be cheaper to go that way. Give you the support of proper rep on the first go, so It's less scary after that, and give you the advantage of some good advice on the whole case.

Most barristers sets (or chambers) will have barristers that do direct access. Call up when you get a hearing date, tell the clerks you want info on getting direct access counsel for a FHDRA, (first hearing dispute resolution appointment) and they will take it from there. If It's too much, It's too much, but It's worth asking.

Thanks for that advice, Bert, really helpful!