Can I specify who my son loves with if I die?

[BurpeesAreTheWorkOfTheDevil]

I have 4 children, 3 to my ex husband and one to an ex who hasn't contacted me for 16 years he is on the birth certificate but doesn't have PR

My 16 year old has autism and various mental health difficulties he cannot speak to people he doesn't know really well and has attempted suicide.

My ex husband would keep him but I think my mum would try and take him. My mum does not believe in most of his diagnosis' and makes a lot of comments about how she would fix him by forcing to do things that make him hyper anxious and discipline.
I can say right now that my son would kill himself if he ended up with her.

My sister has no children but would parent him the same way I do.
My son will not be able to live independently, he is completely reliant on me.

Can I make arrangements legally on where he lives if I die giving responsibility to my sister and ex husband? Where do I start?

In your will you can stipulate who you want his guardians to be.

My understanding is that, this is not legally enforceable but your wishes would be taken into account. I assume this is to take into account any change of circumstances since the will was drawn up. I assume your DC wishes would also be listened to.

He won't be able to tell anyone who he wants to live with, he can't make decisions and my mum is controlling and he is scared of her so would do her best to force him.

I need to stop her from getting him

Because your son is now classed as an adult, his care is more complicated since he, in theory, can look after himself. If he is not able to do so then you can put plans in place, but it's complicated.

You can get a lot of advice on this sort of issue on the hft website www.hft.org.uk/

Look into the mental capacity act to see if he fits the criteria, and also look at lodging a care plan with social services, with a 1 page profile that explains how to support your son.

Dimensions www.dimensions-uk.org/ is another charity that could help you to think about this sort of thing.

I'm just learning about all this now and it's a minefield. Good luck!

Are social services or similar involved? Can you get notes on their files to state what you have said above? Hopefully, this could then be taken into account.

I am not sure what happens when your DC would be 18 as guardianship usually applies to minors.

That's what's worrying me. He needs care, he is disabled. My mum would take away everything I've put into place to help him because she doesn't believe in it, he would go downhill fast leading back to the suicide attempts.

You can appoint guardians in your Will. If is not legally binding so can still be challenged, but the Court will look at what you have asked for.

If I am reading correctly, your son is from the ex you have no contact with?

If so, name your ex husband and sister as guardians in your Will (usually you have have a primary guardian and replacement unless they are a couple as your son can only really live with one primary carer) and make sure you let them both know they are guardians and who is to take immediate custody if anything happens to you.

I would also write a letter to put with your Will explaining who you have appointed and why as it will give more evidence if your mother tried to challenge it.

The Court would, in case of dispute, look at the needs of your child and who is best placed to care for him - if his siblings go to their father, he is younger than your mum, better placed to care etc that will hold more sway.

The only person who could really cause an issue for you is the birth father - as he is named in the birth certificate he could claim parental responsibility.