Access advice

[Mummygettingthroughit201]

Hi, looking for some advice and peace of mind really and if anyone can tell me of their own experiences?

In a nutshell, ex did not want baby, at all. Expressed a lot of nasty comments about the baby throughout the pregnancy, I tried to end relationship whilst pregnant but stupidly stayed. I couldn’t talk about the pregnancy openly and ex did not attend any midwife apps etc and showed no desire to support/help so I relied on my family.

Fast forward to dc being 2 weeks old I finally leave, he tried to be involved for them two weeks but did very little and when he did he wasn’t happy about having to it. When I ended it he argued about taking baby away because it was his right and he could whenever he wanted and refused to leave, so I changed the locks.

Baby is 3 months old now and he has seen little of them but is blaming me for this and taking me to court for shared care. Baby is unsettled when they come back and on occasions not been fed/changed. Other than that no welfare concerns.

I want my baby to have a relationship with their father, it is their right to that. Regardless of how I have been treated. However, I don’t want them to go overnight whilst they are so small (I’m bottle feeding) so he’s said it’s tough it’s his right and he doesn’t need me to feed baby so he’s going to get a judge to tell me his rights and have them 50% and that I’ll have a big shock to the system soon when he gets it.

Really it’s worrying and stressing me that such an innocent small person is going to eventually be in the care of a person that does not want/like them but does it because they have the ‘right’ to, and is treat like a possession.

The thought of not having baby on a night kills me. Please can anyone give me any advice on this? I feel that as a new Mum and the person baby has spent 95% of the time with, would be hard for both to be apart for long periods of time.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking here other than what anyone has experienced from the ‘new’ system, as I believe it has changed a lot and that there is a big emphasis on fathers. I just needed a place to let go of this stress!

Yes, 3 months is way too young for a baby to be away from mum overnight.

Are those communications from him in writing? Because if they are the Court and CAFCASS need to see them.

I think so too, but I feel that professionals may disagree as he is on the BC and he can just then swoop in pick the baby up and take them away for full weekends. The entire situation is making me feel ill.

Yes I have the text messages for cafcass, some things were verbally said also, I don’t want to come across as a he said she said and want it to be factual. But in the same breath, I want them to understand this persons character

Refuse contact. If he tries to take baby call the police. Or simply be out when you know he's coming. You do not need to hand him over until there is a court order and from what you've told us - it's very unlikely he will get 50 % . Be lucky to have supervised contact if he hasn't looked after him in the past. !

Baby's far too young.. I think it's something like 6 months until they know mum and baby are 2 separate people!
There's a fundamental lack of care with no feeding or changing. Babies can quickly become dehydrated. I would report this as abuse if happens again and use this for grounds of supervised visits only. This way baby still knows dad as you would like and you can rest at ease he cannot take the child and will be well looked after.
Hope all goes well!!

I have to speak to cafcass soon so will explain it all to them with the not feeding/changing. He is throwing a lot of weight behind it with his solicitor and I just feel so frustrated and like I’ve lost (not meaning it’s a win or lose). I was silly for not leaving before baby was born and now he’s saying that my house was the family home and he was actively involved in everything, which he wasn’t. So stressed with it, he’s very good at getting what he wants no matter the cost. I don’t want baby to think I’ve abandined them if he gets overnights, I don’t know how likely it is he’ll get them now or when he’ll get them

The "family home" thing is a total red herring. Tiny babies have no understanding of their surroundings, their needs are centred in being with the primary caregiver. The appropriate level of contact for dad in this situation is little and often. A 50 50 arrangement will risk your baby developing an attachment disorder.

Shared care is suitable for older children whose parents have both been highly involved, and can continue to be. It isn't a right granted to every guy who couldn't even sustain a relationship with the woman they impregnated through pregnancy and infancy.

He's a bully, and you should ensure CAFCASS are aware of his bullying texts.

The report CAFCASS will do for the first hearing is just a preliminary safeguarding report. The Court should order a full s7 report from CAFCASS which will explore the background in greater detail.

Have you been able to see a solicitor? Can you afford representation?

Yes I’ve seen a solicitor, every time I think about the situation or have to deal with it it makes me sick and I know I need to be able to deal with it when it goes to court. Luckily I have family helping me financially to wade through the mess! The solicitor has suggested that he will get overnight stays much sooner than a child is 1 but didn’t really say when. She wouldn’t give me a best case/worst case example of what could happen.

I’ve said little and often, and proposed this to lead up to overnight stays every other weekend and an evening in the week but I know that it will be refused because he wants overnight right this second and full weeks.

I didn’t know if it would be settled with cafcass at a first hearing as I was unsure what to expect when they call me.

I just hope they will do what’s best for baby and not just grant overnight access straight away.

The man is very unreasonable at the best of times, and there is no logic there, poor kid wouldn’t know if they were coming or going at this rate. I’ve never been in this situation so I’ve just no idea what the legal systems stance on it is all I’ve had to go on is every judge is different