Slightly morbid - what happens to a child if both parents die?

[checkingforballoons]

Sorry, this has been playing on my mind a bit and it’s a tricky one to Google. I’ll try to keep it short!
I had a very unpleasant childhood. My parents are not nice people. My father has seen my son twice I think (one of those times I bumped into him in a supermarket). My mother has seen him a few more times - I allowed a few visits when she eventually asked (son was 2 at this point), but she seems to have got bored now, which I assumed would happen. My worry is this - if something happened to my husband and I, would they be approached or have any right to care for our son? I would like to put something in place that states that he must not go to them and that they aren’t to have any sort of unsupervised contact. Is that possible? Does it need to be formal, can I just state my intentions and keep it with life insurance documents?!
I know it seems a bit crazy to worry about this but I can’t shake it!

You can name a guardian in your will. You just need to choose who that would be.

PS not crazy at all. Very sensible to think about it.

You need to make a will!

We had it written into our will who our DC should go and live with in the event of our deaths. We had discussed it with these people beforehand of course. You need to choose another family member or friend and ask them if they would care for your children and put it in your will. What about his paternal grandparents?

Can I specifically state that he isn’t to go to them? Eg if we name a guardian but they can’t take on the role when it comes to it, would the next closest family member be asked?
Aware I probably sound nuts. My feeling is that if he went into care there’s a small chance it could be harmful. If he went to my parents, harm would be a certainty.
(Lots going on at the moment in relation to my past, I am looking at counselling etc, that’s probably why this feels so pressing)

I don't know but a lawyer would be able to go through this as part of the will making process.

As others have said get a will done ASAP putting in Guardians (can be worded as children of... to include any new additions) guardians can be relatives or friends but make sure you are all happy with it just in case.

I would also include in a will should your children not survive you who you would like to inherit any assets to keep these from going into hands you don't want.

Thanks all, looks like I need to get myself an appointment and get everything straight. Hopefully it will be a totally pointless thing to do but it will put my mind at ease.

I don’t think it would have any legal standing at all. If they’re so awful, social services presumably wouldn’t place a child with them or they would just say no.

My understanding is that you can positively name someone who could take them, but not veto any others.

Yes, as others have said:

• make a will
• name guardians
• also name back-up guardians
• ask/tell both sets of guardians so that they are on board
• make a 'statement of wishes' (may not be the correct name) relating to your parents.

If all of this is in place, your parents should not be able to make any legal claim to guardianship.

NB - I am not a lawyer but have friends in a similar situation and this is the advice they were given.

Thanks squeaver, that’s really helpful

You need to see a trusts lawyer. When choosing a firm find someone who has a good record on executing wills. Some unscrupulous firms will gladly take your money to write a will but will be hopeless when you die and they do the probate. Small but well established regional firms are a safe bet. Ask around for recommendations.

In the absence of parents, Grandparents may be considered as carers.
If you don't want this to happen, you need to do two things

1. Appoint Guardians, in a professionally drawn up will.

The guardians will ideally be the people who will bring your children up if you both die.Or possibly, people who are not in a position to do that, but will have a relationship with them, and look after their interests.

1. The decision may, sometimes, rest with Children's Services, who are quite keen on kinship carers.(maybe the Guardians are no longer able to offer DC a home) Give Children's Services a fighting chance to turn the GPs down, by leaving a professionally witnessed document.

You don't have to write your life story. Just give your reasons- eg not flexible, emotionally cold, not reliable, not interested in DC now, not good relationship with DC now, etc.If it were me, I would give a brief example of each point. It won't be shared. But being more specific than 'I hate them, so they can't have my kids', would be helpful. The more likely they are to fight to have the DC, the stronger and more explicit I would make it.

Make sure Guardians are happy to be so. Leave copies of both Doc's with your solicitor, and the Guardians.

That’s great Dancing, thanks!
I’m happy to give a detailed list of reasons. One of them would absolutely fight the decision, purely because they feed on drama.

I can’t remember exactly what happened bur I bought myself a will for my 30th. I named two people as guardians - DM in the first instance and then a close friend in the event that DM is dead. I wrote a wish that I didn’t not want paternal grandparents to become guardians.

It also threw up lots of interesting questions like I ended up stating that id like to be cremated but if I died while DS was under 16, I wanted the ashes kept somewhere for him to visit because I realised I felt that I wanted him to have somewhere to go that wasn’t physical to help him understand, as opposed to me being scattered in the wind somewhere.

I’m really glad I did it now. I also got myself life insurance, so I do feel now that ive done my best to look afternoon DS if something terribleness happens.

Sorry, only just noticed the unsupervised contact in your OP.

If they go to your designated Guardians, that's something you need to have discussed and agreed with them.

If Children's Services are involved, who might well start from the principle that some family contact for the poor beraeved mites is a Good Thing, then you really do need to get explicit as to why you think that it should not be allowed.

If you put forward safety issues, it's almost inevitable that those concerns will be listened to.

Eg, previous abuse (physical, sexual, emotional), either to their own children or anyone elses.
Not reliable with children's safety, because of alcohol/substance abuse/ severe mental health issues.Or have demonstrated obliviousness to safety issues with anyone's DC .

To be regarded by SW as sufficient justification for supervised contact only, it's really going to give some specifics about why unsupervised contact wouldn't be safe.

Everyone should make a will and update it if circumstances change. A marriage invalidates a will made prior to it. I watched 2 properties I should have inherited go to unscrupulous gold diggers due to this fact not being widely known.
DH and I had to amend our wills when our son died. Very painful but had to be done in order to make things simple for our remaining children.

Regarding the post by DairyIsClosed.

You don't need a trust lawyer.

What you do need to do is to name, within your will, who you wish to be the executor of the will. This would normally be your DH if he survives you.

You would also name a separate executor for if you died together, who could also be the trustee of your money if you die before child is 18. Executor(s) and trustee(s) - you can have multiple of each - can be same person/people, or different. They can be the Guardians, or someone else.

You should also, as a pp said, name beneficiaries in the instance of you all dying together, otherwise I think your parents would inherit. So maybe siblings, nieces/nephews, god-children, friends etc.

All this is fairly standard for a will and a good solicitor should only need to note your wishes for guardian, executor etc and then will word it appropriately.

It is unnecessary and costly to use a solicitor as executor, and usually slower than using a relative or friend.

I agree with Sophiesdog.

In the vast majority of cases, it's fine to appoint family members as executors and trustees. If they need assistance with the tax forms or whatever, they can pay a solicitor at an hourly rate. If you appoint solicitors as executors they will usually take a percentage of the value of the estate which can rack up considerably.

I'm a member of the Institute of Professional Will Writers and recommend that you appoint the guardian(s) in the will, and state that you don't wish your minor children to live with/have unsupervised contact with your parents but don't go into detail, as the will is going to be a public record one day. Instead, write a statement of your reasons for the appointment of guardians, and review it once a year or so. You can always change is as the years go by, and then destroy the statement when your children are 18.

The point of doing the statement is that it clearly sets up the rationale behind the appointment, so if there's an application for a child arrangements order under the Children Act, your reasons will be taken into account, alongside the recommendation of a Cafcass Officer and statements made by other relevant people such as the parties and any witnesses.