AIBU monthly contact?

[cremeeggs38]

Am I being unreasonable to offer DDs Dad once a month contact. We've had no contact from him for 6.5months, just a couple of random texts - none asking about DD until a week ago now wanting to see her (she's two) . I've been making plans to move 3.5hrs away to be nearer to my family (work FT and nursery is expensive!). After Xmas he told me he wanted nothing to do with us and wanted to know no details of our lives- holidays, addresses, nothing....hence me making plans to move.

AIBU to offer supervised contact once a month? Realistically it's all I can afford to bring her back to see him, petrol, hotels etc. Plus she's not the greatest fan of cars! She doesn't know him really and has been very upset when she's seen him in the past. He's looked after her alone for 6hours total in her life. He is EA, manipulative and controlling and I feel like I need to move to be able to have any chance of starting our lives properly without feeling threatened!

I should have added that I totally understand that she has the right to know her father, I just don't want her getting so upset again, plus I worry about the affect of him walking out on her swearing and slamming doors. She's advanced for her age and already asked questions when he stormed out 6 months ago. She doesn't really understand who he is though if I'm honest.

Does he know your moving plans? What's the timeframe for those?

Can't you just leave and not tell him ?

I'm not a legal expert but why are you offering contact?
It doesn't sound as if your ex is at all bothered with having a relationship with his daughter so why not just get on with your life and moving. If he really wants a relationship I'm pretty sure he'd be able to apply through court if he's named as father on her birth certificate

Why would you bear brunt of time and cost. If he wants to see her surely he should travel to you?

namechange2222- trouble is court may decide on more than monthly contact.

i'm no legal expert either but an informal arrangement may work more to ops favour than a more formal one?

Just move and don't tell him. If he wants contact in future, let him sort it out via the courts and pay for it. He has already told you he wants nothing more to do with you and your DD. What are you waiting for?

If he goes to court he is likely to get contact. It is much better to sort it out amicably rather than through the courts. That could cost the OP money and leave her with a court ordered contact arrangement that does not suit her. As the OP is moving away it is very unlikely the courts would order her to pay the costs of contact. Moving and not telling him when he has said he wants to see his daughter is a sure fire way to look unreasonable to the court.

My view was to tell him I'm moving at the same time as offering monthly contact seeing as he's asked to see her. If I'm honest I don't think it will last long, but I don't want to be viewed as being unreasonable in case he ever did take me to court. I'm quite sure that anything I offer will be unacceptable, but this may we'll just be a ploy to make me the bad person- he has issues taking responsibility for his own decisions/actions- always someone else's fault!
I just really wondered whether monthly contact would be deemed sufficient given his lack of real interest up to now?

The trouble is that monthly contact will be all but meaningless to a two year old. To build a relationship with a child that young needs contact to be little and often.

A court shouldn't order her to do the bulk of the travelling, as that's unlikely to be in her best interest, although it might be an idea to consider finding a contact centre that means he doesn't have to travel the whole way, even if he travels the lion's share.

You are right, he may well lose interest, but that's his call, not yours.

I'm happy to travel if required to enable him to see her. I don't think he will be happy about me moving so I don't think he will.

Selfishly I'm also conscious that if we are tied to every weekend/every other weekend travelling even half way, it means we won't be able to build a life for ourselves. I work full time and apart from family, we don't know anyone where we are moving to. My DD and I have always done activities and groups together on weekends which she enjoys immensely and I'd like to continue that with her and also spend quality time with her myself- totally sounds selfish, but it's nice to be able to do stuff that isn't practical- washing, meals, bath time etc!

If you're thinking he's going to lose interest I would let him see her now. If he knows you're moving and is EA then he might know it'll be difficult for you and start demanding things?

I would move and not tell him. Let him take you to court for contact.

Never fails to amaze me the amount of people that say “move and don’t tell him, let him take you to court”. Do any of you saying that consider how the OP would be viewed by the judge for doing that?

Always fails to amaze me how a parent can go missing out of a child's life for 6 months and suddenly expect contact. No doubt this so call d father will disappear again and probably for longer. So no he doesn't get to call the shots and I very much doubt he would make the affect and expanse and taking it to court. So I would carry on as I planned.

Effort*

So I would carry on as I planned

If the OP follows your advice and the father doesn't go to court she won't have any problems. However, if he does follow through the judge will not look kindly on her moving without informing her daughter's father or on her refusing any contact. That will make the judge less inclined to give her the benefit of any doubt.

I wouldn't move without saying anything. I'd always planned to tell him I was moving out of the area, but not the address. I've been suffering from anxiety for the last 8months that he will break into my house which is part of the reason I need to move- I'm sick of barricading doors and sleepless nights and as my daughter gets older she will notice. I just really wanted to know if people thought it was reasonable given the lack of interest to offer once a month. I've never denied access, it was his choice not to see her, but equally I never encouraged him i.e spoken to him and tried to persuade him to see her. IMO it's his choice, he's an adult and his behaviour if I'm honest would not be a positive influence on DD going on past experience, however I'm conscious that if he took me to court in the future at least I could say I'd made an effort if that makes sense!