Divorce and contact/access arrangements

[Mumof2startingagain]

My husband moved out a month ago at my request. He is a workaholic with a high level
job as a director, involving lots of travel and weekly overnight stays in London. He is controlling and a narcissist-completely self absorbed but loves the kids. My children are 12 and 9. When we split my main priority was the kids so for the last month I have completely catered around him with contact access, I’ve asked him every week when he wants to see them and let them to the best of my ability see him when he wanted.

Now everything has settled and he has realised I’m definitely not having him back (he is just so selfish and mean to me) things have turned sour and the control is back. I have offered him two nights a week overnight stay (one midweek and one weekend) with flexibility as needed and also he can see them flexibly outside of that during the week -take kids out for tea, to school, football matches whenever he likes. He says no he wants them three nights overnight and will swap all the flexibility just to do that. It’s a money thing and I really don’t want to do it as I have basically been a single mum with regards to childcare since the day they were born.

The reason I want only two nights as one will be midweek (the kids can get over one late night) and if we plan it right with the one night overnight on the weekend and their weekend activities the kids can see us both most weekend days And so there will be no seperation anxiety for them. I have told him it doesn’t make sense -I am offering him the opportunity to see the kids seven days a week if he wants with two overnight stays and they will be settled and happy but he would rather fight for three nights fixed overnight and not see them. His job is so time consuming he wouldn’t be able to spare the time for them three nights -he works about 70hrs a week.

Anyway he has told me he is going to see a solicitor on Friday -I am petrified he will see it through. What do you think the odds are?

Sorry I forgot to add he has also told me he could go for 50/50 if he wants to.

Have either of you filed for divorce yet?

What you propose sounds reasonable. Stick to that, wait to hear from his solicitor (if you ever do - about the children that is) and deal with it when it arises. Someone who works 70 hours a week is unlikely to be around 3 days a week every week.

When you say 'it's a money thing', is it a money thing for you, or for him?

His solicitor will point all that out to him I'm sure. Let him go for 3 nights & not be able to manage it the first week 🙄

Yes and remember if you are divorcing assets will be split as well he may not want that wat

He's trying to reduce his maintenance liability, isn't he? Is he going to get a nanny because he won't be there to commit to 3 nights. Maybe you should insist on 2 regular nights now, so you can demonstrate his unreliability? Well done for getting rid of him. He sounds really horrible.

'He's trying to reduce his maintenance liability, isn't he?

Not necessarily!

To play devil's advocate here, if I was in his position I'd want 3 fixed nights rather than 2 plus some general 'flexibility' that ultimately you get to give or not give. It's easy to promise flexibility, but how much of this will he actually be able to take advantage of? If he has a big job, he probably needs certainty. It might be that he'll look to change his hours, for example by finishing early on a particular day every week, rather than being able to pop home from work a few times a week on an ad hoc basis. Does he have a specific plan for the 3 days?